This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
*In my opinion, a song that an established, renown , respected grown male artist should never have agreed to record. I can imagine his British peers laughing at him and saying: "Now what were you thinking mate?"
The other day I was involved in an accident in which the person in front of me hit a patch of ice on the highway, swerved into the wall and ended up stopped and perpendicularly positioned in front of me. Even though I was driving cautious for the conditions, I had little reaction time. I couldn't safely get over into the other lane, so I did the next best thing: I tried to slow down as quickly as I could to avoid hitting her. Unfortunately, as often is the case, this was a doomed proposition.
The resulting collision set off my airbag, destroyed my car and left me with a concussion & neck strain. Given the location of the accident, the cars had to be moved as quickly as possible. Therefore, I could not just linger in my car and make calls. A police officer was nice enough to drop me off at a safe location nearby such that I could stay out of the cold and start making calls.
Being a problem solver by nature and not one to give up in tough jams, I proceeded to make calls. I made a call into work and let my boss know what happened, to the insurance company to report the accident, to my wife to let her know I was safe, to a rental car company to get a car, and to the tow yard to set up retrieving my belongings from my now destroyed car. I know having dealt with rough circumstances before & having faith that I could get through it. The important thing is that I was safe and that everything else was replaceable or manageable.
Not realizing that I had a mild concussion, I took my daughter back to her mom's house later that day (as was previously scheduled). So, I have a bag in which I carry a couple of medications of mine & which I was carrying her medicine. I had taken that to her mom's house to drop off her meds with her mom. I carried the bag in with me as I brought her other stuff in. Given the distractions with dropping off a rambunctious nine year old and the fogginess I didn't realize I had yet, I left the bag over there. My haziness was such that I didn't remember even bringing it in with me. So, I got home and was going to take the bag in from my car and came to realize I didn't have it. I reached out to my daughter's mom & to a restaurant I'd stopped at to see if I'd left it either place. Both indicated it wasn't there. So, I went searching through the rental car and my own place extensively, but couldn't find it. The brave front I'd been putting up had finally collapsed. I thought I'd for sure lost my meds as well as those of my daughters. Only later did her mom find the bag off to the side of the front room.
Back to the story at hand. Literally, I had a huge wall of uncertainty thrown up at me starting before 8 a.m. that day and I managed well, but a lost bag of meds that could be replaced if necessary got the best of me. The adrenaline/shock that took me through the day was already beginning to wear off, but it was compounded by a 'final' setback for the day. I was besides myself and I had to literally force myself to try and sleep despite being very upset. Looking back on it, I have a few takeaways.
Sometimes a concern is so big that we know that we can't immediately deal with it. Therefore, in our mind, we allow for a significant time and amount of uncertainty rather than panic. We just take it step by step. Getting home/replacing the car/recuperating in my case.
It is the smaller things that we think we should be able to deal with that get to us. Thinking I should have kept better track of the bag and that if I look and look and look, I will find it as its got to be around somewhere.
The big pressures of the day, I'd already factored in and had been resolved to a passable state (including the other driver's insurance accepting full liability). But, they were still a burden on my shoulders. I was not prepared for the final pressure. In other words, for the day, it was the straw that broke the camels back. Literally, I wasn't up to accepting another hit on the day.
The next morning, I started to make provisions to replace the lost medications. Soon thereafter my daughter's mom informed me that she did have my bag after-all. Therefore the stress and worry about it proved unnecessary.
One time when I was fretting aloud to another friend about a matter which I couldn't resolve late at night, she asked me: "Is there anything you can do about it now?". I said, "No". She's replied, "So, stop worrying about it." I have always remembered that and always try to remember that when something is not in my control.
On more than one occasion, after getting bogged down with stress about a lost/unresolved circumstance, I've stopped and prayed about it. A funny thing has happened on some of those occasions. Literally, it is as if my mind was cleared and I was led to a finding what was lost or a solution. Reminding me that prayer before the complete stress-out might be in order.
Anyway, when you or someone around you starts to have a meltdown about what appears to be an easily manageable circumstance or seemingly unimportant decision or detail, realize that you may very well be looking at the straw on top of the mound of weight on the camel's back. Realizing that the straw is on top of what the camel was barely able to carry anyway. In other words, don't take it for granted that the meltdown is over the small detail or circumstance. Address the detail of course, but be aware that you may need to address underlying weight that was really the problem.
Hopefully, this is a helpful reminder for those whom I reach. Cheers.
I'm not sure where I get the titles to my blog posts. If you've paid event a scant amount of attention to my blog, you'll get that my love of music animates me and is often how I relate. I think God has blessed me with the ability to think, write and tie in appropriate theme music. But, I digress. This blog title amuses me. So, in my dealings in life, I've come to occasionally host pity parties, been invited to pity parties and be an uninvited observer of a pity party going on. So, I have a little life experience on the subject matter. Like many situations in life, there is no one-sized fits all solution to how to handle a pity party. Below are some ways that one can handle a pity party with reasons for and pros and cons of each way. Knowing your audience is the key to knowing which way or ways to try.
Empathize with or indulge it.
Often times, it can be a cry for help.
I believe often a pity-partier feels like his/her concerns are not being taken seriously. So, it is a way to gather attention, even passively.
On some occasion, they just need to feel that there is someone who takes their side (indulging it). Sometimes, people just need to know they have a loyal ally (even when they unknowingly might be wrong).
On other occasions, they need to feel that there is someone who at least understand them. (empathize). Misery loves company. Besides, it is nice to know that there is someone who can relate.
Compete with it.
We don't always know we are doing this.
It can be a way to give someone else perspective on their plight. Not to dismiss their plight, but letting them know how it could be worse. A way it can come out: When I was growing up we didn't get to do this or to go there or have this or... So, appreciate it could have been worse.
It can be a way to minimize someone else's plight rather than relating. Instead of relating to or trying to help the pity-partier, there can be an unhealthy need to 'upstage' them. A way it can come out: When I was growing up, I had it rougher or something worse happened to me, so shut you have no room to talk.
It can be a competition for empathy/sympathy.
I believe competing for feelings, attention or empathy/sympathy is usually a destructive rather than constructive endevour.
Ignore it
Often times a pity-partier is just wanting to blow off steam.
If the pity-partier can't be constructively engaged with, it might be best to just to ignore their pity party as much as possible.
Unfortunately, sometimes the pity-partier will not take well to being ignored. Their need to be 'listened to' will not allow them to quietly be ignored, leaving you to choose another way of engaging them.
Ridicule it
Sometimes, after trying every other way to deal with a pity party, this feels like the only way that is left.
I believe in some cases coming from someone trusted, it can be a wake-up call, especially if the pity-partier is mature enough to hear the truth and has enough of a sense of humor to deal with it.
I believe it is usually a bad idea to do with someone who is emotionally troubled and/or has a low self-esteem.
Just some of my observations on pity parties and pity partiers. Not everyone's experience is the same. So, this is meant like many of my other blog posts to throw out ideas or to stimulate thinking on the subject matters upon which I speak.
Happy New Year all. Welcome 2017, may it be a good year.
A poem/lyrics dedicated to my dad whom I believed loved his animals more than his humans. For worse or for better I inherited in his eccentricness regarding expressing enjoyment of his animals. You didn't think all my posts would be super serious did you? -- As the Red Hot Chili Peppers say in 'My Friends': ...I love all of you... "Bark On The Wild Side"
Rover came from Miami, F.L.A.
Pawed his way across the U.S.A.
Filed his nails on the way
Had his junk removed and then he was a she
She barked, "Hey Fido
Do a bark on the wild side."
Barked, "Hey, honey,
Do a bark on the wild side."
...
...
And the colored dogs go bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark..
Do a bark on the wild side
If you've read my blog,
I have a lighter side. However, I'm can be a deep thinker and a very
serious person, sometimes needing to lighten up I think. So, it's about
time for blog about humor. So, I have a bit of a devious mind. In
other words, my mind sometimes stumbles upon the inappropriate or 'impolite'
from time to time. As I have gotten older, I tend to speak more
freely--perhaps I get tired of filtering--what I'm thinking and as a result my
daughter (and now my stepfamily) are treated to nuggets of brilliance.
Sometimes, they laugh, sometimes they shake their head, and sometimes
they pretend like they don't know me. I say, genius is often
unappreciated, sigh! But, I digress.
In between doing the
parental griping about them not listening and badgering them to listen, I try
to be sometime playful or express a sense of humor. I remember my dad,
God rest his soul, was Mr. Super Serious parent and I was very inhibited what I
said around him as a result. So, besides making a vow not to repeat his
'mistakes' in parenting--instead making my own new ones, I vowed to be more
accessible to my kids. Part of that accessibility was trying to
understand them where they are.
I remember sometimes as
a kid, thinking and saying inappropriate
thoughts--sometimes related to my gender and anatomy--as little boys are apt to
do. I won't expand upon that. Those who were once little boys or
who have heard some of the talk they do will understand what I mean 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊.
So, I know kids have devious thoughts. Adults do too at times, but
we learn to better pretend we don't. Anyway, in the course of wanting to
be more accessible, I have expressed a simple concept to them.
We know human nature is
such that we aren't perfect. We know that we have 'inappropriate'
thoughts float around from time to time. Some of them we learn from our
family, some from siblings and some just our own 'creative brilliance'. I
expressed to my daughter when she was old enough (and later my stepson), that I
understand this happens from time to time. Even among the 'angelic' kids,
I believe this happens. But, I digress. I told them as this happens
from time to time, it is not necessarily wrong having a 'devious' thought, but
how you handle it can make it wrong. So, here are my thoughts on
thoughts...
Some thoughts are very destructive and as such should
not be ever mentioned. In fact, you should do what you can to change
your focus should your mind dwell in that territory. Obviously,
wishing death upon someone is an example of such a thought. I
explained to my daughter that 9/11 was a result of hateful thoughts that
were encouraged to grow and grow and lead to hateful and deadly actions.
Some thoughts are rude. Should you 'have to'
express them to get them out of your system, they should be mentioned in
private and only to only your most trusted confidant(s). An example
of this is 'locker room talk'. I told my stepson I expected that
boys talk about inappropriate boy matters from time to time and girls may
do the same. I expressed while it is not really appropriate to talk
like that, that it is especially inappropriate to express such thoughts in
the presence of mixed company. I said, I understand that your
curiosity and amusement get the best of you, but that you shouldn't focus
on such thoughts when they cross your mind.
Some thoughts are slightly inappropriate. Potty
talk is one. Like when I referred to passing gas a 'stinky
surprise', they thought it was funny. In small doses, things like
this I believe are no big deal and more so of an 'eye-roll' or 'honey
don't encourage them' moment. I believe in limited exposure cracks
like these are pretty harmless. Obviously, if you are talking to an
officer when getting a ticket, your teacher during class or you are around
someone who is easily offended, you should avoid expressing such thoughts.
Some thoughts are just silly and can work to lighten
the room. Like recently at a cub scout meeting I attended, one of
the presenters asked if anyone had a question. One of the little
bundles of joy said, "Yeah, what is 1 + 1". The kids
giggled, his parent slightly scolded him and the other adults just smiled
and laughed. To me this is a light-hearted moment which is safe to
share in most situations. Obviously, there are limits to even the
most goofy, lighthearted moments, but the world needs humor. So, humor like this is warming.
So, when I first brought
this up to my daughter, I 'tested' her about various circumstances and who you
should share your thoughts with.
I said if the Governor or President rolls by your
school to make a speech and you are bored, should you say, "BORING!"?
Or if he/she asked if anyone has a question and you are hungry,
should you ask, "Are you finished now, I'm hungry?" when called
upon. She focused on the mental picture I presented and giggled at
the thought and of course answered "No". (I wondered if I
presented a bad idea to her. :^). Anyway, I said this is an
example of something you might say later to a trusted friend that you had
wanted say or ask. It could be something that you express in the privacy
of home, letting a parent know that you were starving. I pointed out
that beyond being rude to the speaker, it would get you in a lot of
trouble. So, bad idea.
I said if you thought someone was really strange
looking would that be appropriate to express. She said “no”.
I said, if you felt like it was bothering you too much, you might
mention it to a parent later and talk about it.
I said if your friend was talking about something silly
like passing gas would it be okay? She said it likely would be.
But, I said, to a close a friend maybe, but not everyone would think
that was funny or appropriate.
I said if you had goofy where moment on vacation when
you were out, would that be okay to express openly when sharing what you
did during the summer to your class. She thought would probably be
okay. Other kids might relate, I
can see that.
I said would it be okay to say hateful things to a
classmate if you were thinking them after he/she were rude. Of
course, she said no. I said this might be a thought you might
express to a counselor about how you are feeling.
The point of that
discussion with my daughter (and later my stepson) was that it's okay to have a
sense of humor, even to have a devious thought pass though your mind as that
happens from time to time. But, that just because you have a thought,
doesn't mean you should express it. In other words, it is important to
think about if there is a right, time, place or audience to express the
thought.
--
As a quick aside. I remember in previous relationship watching Extreme Home Makeover with my significant other. Anyway, that episode included making over a house for a middle-aged woman with a brittle bone condition. So, of course they did a knockout job of fitting the house for her and congratulating themselves on a job well done. They all stretched out one arm and placed their palms on top of each other in the center and did a cheer tossing their arm up and away from the center. So, in a moment of an 'ate-up' thought, I imagined when they tossed their arms up and outward that they accidently knocked the lady's wheelchair over, breaking her bones. While I was laughing at the train-wreck of a thought that had popped into my mind, my so and so pressed me for what was so funny. I warned her a few times that she wasn't going to like it, but she insisted on hearing what was amusing me. So, of course I told her and she acted 'appalled'. I'm like, "I can't help it" and "you asked". But, you know men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
And that as the late Paul Harvey used to say, is the "Rest of the story".
The events in the world recently and from what I've seen in interactions in my own life and the lives of those around me over time have served to remind that it is not only things like cooking that are a lost art society, but LISTENING is also a lost art. Listening doesn't always mean listening to spoken words, but also to cues as well, but I digress. I know I have been guilty of one or more of these at times, so I am not speaking from a position of holier than thou, but passing off what I've felt, seen and learned or come to understand. They sometimes refer to this desire as ESH or "Experience, Strength & Hope" in step programs. Anyway, I came up with the title of this blog based off words from "Everything Falls Apart" by Dog's Eye View. It occurred to me that often times listening effectively can prevent immediate misunderstandings and confrontations which later require apologizing for flying off the handle.
But back to listening. We can recite most of the words that another says, but does that mean we are actually listening to them? Listening means more than just hearing, it means taking an effort to consider what the other party is saying. Anyone can repeat by rote, but not everyone takes time to consider the words/intent of the speaker. From my perspective there are a number of things that get in the way of effective listening, not necessarily in any order:
Being too focused on other things while 'listening'
Being focused on something outside of the speaker.
Your bad day at the work.
Your bad interaction with a family, friend, police, etc.
A future event/situation/consideration.
Things that grab your attention: TV, music.
Trying to come up with a response while the speaker is still talking.
Eagerly finishing their thought, rather than allowing them to express it.
Is a way of telling them the speaker that you are finished listening.
Can be a way stealing their thunder aka stealing the floor from them.
Results in the wrongly predicting what the speaker will say.
Can be a way of defending yourself or your position before the speaker has given you a reason too. (Defensive listening)
Letting them 'finish' but then immediately go into response mode.
Is a way of telling them, you are worried more about your response than their words. In other words, wanting to 'sound good.'
Can be a way of expressing defensiveness. Something may have triggered you and instead of asking for clarification or thinking through what they said, you jump into 'defensive response' mode. (Defensive listening)
Can be a way of condescendingly checking off the "I listened" box when you really didn't.
Now from my perspective, you can be a good listener if:
Hear out your speaker. Giving him/her time to make his/her points effectively and consider what they are meaning.
Focus on what they are saying and not just being able to recite their words.
Ask for clarification when the opportunity presents itself, but not before the speaker has had a chance to elaborate.
Focus on what they are saying, rather than just formulating a response.
Ask intelligent and respectful questions and limit asking the speaker to repeat his or herself.
Put the ideas of the speaker in motion where it makes sense to.
Where it is feasible. Sometimes the ideas are an ideal or a goal, not something to immediately reach.
Benefit one or more parties: preferably the listener, the speaker and the subject(s) of the speaker.
Where it can advance the relationship. Can show the speaker that you really listened and gave consideration of their thoughts and feelings.
--
This focus on how to listen wouldn't be complete IF we don't take time to actually focus on the speaker as well. A speaker can be a poor 'listener' as well. A speaker can be a poor listener if he or she:
Doesn't pause to let his or her audience take a moment to digest what they've heard.
Avoiding proper pauses can cause the audience to get overwhelmed.
Assumes that the audience can follow his/her line of thought at the same speed the speaker does.
Doesn't effectively read the cues of his audience.
Shows the speaker is more interested in his/her words then reaching the audience.
Shows inflexibility on the part of the speaker. Cannot adjust to audience needs, potentially missing a great opportunity to reach them.
Can result in the speaker talking down to, talking past or talking over the head of the audience.
Can lose his/her audience to tears if he or she is ignoring what the audience is 'saying'.
Makes the discussion/speech all about him/her.
Shows the audience that they are just a backdrop vs. being a integral part of the discussion or speech.
Is contrary to relating to the audience. In relating:
They say their piece, but then step out of the way of the point being made, rather than to continue to point out their role.
They focus on the takeaway and what they've learned, rather than their own personal importance in the matter.
Whether it's an informal conversation, a group or panel discussion, a give and take session, an interview or speech to a audience, knowing how to listen is crucial in advancing the conversation, the idea and/or the relationship. Focusing on being a good listener can help to avoid misunderstandings and confrontations and can promote better relationship, personal or otherwise. It can also prevent a person from sounding foolish in response (as if you respond to what you heard rather than what was said, you can sound like a fool). Showing disregard as a listener can lead to misunderstandings--shoot first, apologize later, confrontations and lead to either a halting of progress if not destruction of a relationship--personal or otherwise.
As a final aside, just like most things in life their are exceptions in more understanding of 'listening'.
When you interview for a job, position or role, you have to make yourself the subject of your words, ideas, relating. You are not only advancing your ideas, but also yourself as the messenger or implementer of the ideas.
When the other party or parties steal the oxygen and don't give you space to absorb what they are saying or to respond, you have to assertively (and unfortunately perhaps 'rudely') grab control of the floor.
When time is critical (as in an emergency) and you need to act fast, sometimes you have to take what the speaker said and run with it, even if they aren't quite finished.
Sometimes when the speaker is totally out of focus and there is an opportunity, it can be useful to 'interrupt' them to get them on point.
I previously discussed in the "The Shame Cycle", the idea of shame operating in a vicious cycle or keeping us in a rut. In "Shame and codependence", I discussed how shame can keep us in unhealthy relationships and/or can keep us making poor choices. In this blog I wanted to go in a slightly different direction and expand a little bit upon what happens when shame reaches a crossroads. I will first touch on/revisit the consequences of shame that hasn't reached a crossroad. At least as I have seen or come to appreciate it.
Poor decisions are often made based on shame, especially hidden shame. I've heard of couples in which the spouse--usually the husband--gets his wife a new ring, a new car, a fancy vacation, redone room or something similar in an unusual or unusually timed way. In a sense, it is a compensation for a shame that isn't spoken of. In some cases, it is an 'understood' payoff, in some cases it is hopeful inoculation against consequences should the shame be discovered. Often times it is a poor financial choice that wouldn't be done in a more level-headed setting.
Taking credit (shame-wise) for something which one shouldn't to overcompensate for known or unknown shame. Known shame is like a poison that is purposely being bled out. It can cause us to 'own up' to too much wrong in an attempt to bleed the poison out faster. For example, taking sole blame for the family vacation that has gone awry can show how 'contrite' we are. On the other hand, unknown shame is a poison that needs doesn't have an obvious outlet, especially if the unknown shame is too devastating. The hidden outlet can end up being false humility or taking blame where not due. For example, Rep. Foley couldn't own up to his inappropriate behavior with underage pages. So, he became the Chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. This allowed him to feel better about himself by absolving or bleed out some of his shame for his destructive (and hidden) issues without having to own up to them. In a sense if he helped many other children, he could atone for or bleed out the poison of his own behavior.
--
But, to move back to the point at hand, often times shame reaches a crossroads or as I call it a "Shame Tipping Point" in which the dynamics of the shaming relationship or situation change dramatically. From what I see, the "Shame Tipping Point" ultimately is a "Fight or Flight" response. Before I go further with this I want to make a disclaimer or two:
Some harm or injury to others is so profound--such as murder/child molesting--that it is understood that the offending party has little right to expect the offended party will ever lift the weight of shame from them.
Flight, while it can be a self-protective tool, isn't necessarily the right or proper tool, especially if amends are proper to make or the consequences of 'flight' or too devastating.
So, let's take the "fight" response. Say you've made poor choices along the way that have caused harm to others. A natural response is to feel shame about it and to act 'hangdog' around the person(s) you've harmed. There is of course value in showing contriteness and taking steps to make amends. However, in many cases, the injured party takes it too far. The injured party continues to use shame as a club to beat down or to extract a pound of flesh and/or concessions from the injuring party. For example, if I bullied a sibling as a kid, yet realized as I matured how wrong that was and made attempts to make amends for it, it is realistic to expect that my sibling would eventually be forgiving. However, as we know many times in these cases, the sibling realizes the power in holding the guilt/shame over the head of his/her 'childhood tormentor'. The sibling will often use continually try to pay back or stick it to his/her 'tormentor' and hold them down in shame. In other words, the sibling will actively work on shaming his/her 'childhood tormentor' At some point, if the "Shame Tipping Point" is reached, the former 'tormentor' will be pushed too far and realize that he or she is now the 'tormented'. Once he or she realizes this, they probably will never again accept the dynamics of the relationship. At this point, the former 'tormentor' will have regained his/her self-respect and will accept whatever consequences of taking his or her power back.
Now, let's take the 'flight' response. Ultimately, 'flight' can either mean running away from the shameful circumstance/relationship or in worse case scenario, 'checking out' or taking his or her life. Unfortunately, I believe for my brother Bill, he was living with unchecked 'shame demons' and he took his own life. For the sake of discussion, I believe most of his 'shame demons' were largely not of his own making, but instead things done to or around him. Also, I believe he was living with mostly 'illegitimate' shame--that is shame that wasn't his to accept. But, try and tell someone in that situation that they are off in their thinking. It's like trying drive halfway across the country in one day. While it is not always an impossible task, most of the time you end up short of the result you are trying for. In any case, most of the time, the flight "Shame Tipping Point" results in the other party falling into major if not total retreat. Rightly or wrongly, when you press someone's shame button too often or too hard, the sting or hurt of the shaming instead of pushing them to change, pushes them to make themselves scarce. The shamed person may 'deserve' the shaming--such as when they are not doing their part to help take care of an aging parent--but just because they 'deserve' it, doesn't mean they are ready to face up to it. If they really aren't ready to face the reason for their shame, then it is more likely that they will retreat or take flight from the messenger who delivers the shaming message.
I'm not totally sure what the point of this blog was. Perhaps it was help people see their role in uncomfortable (and potentially) shameful behaviors, situations or relationships. If I help one person to step out of the shame cycle, to see that blindly accepting a shaming is wrong, I feel I will have succeeded with the blog. If I help a party to understand or see the flight response in another and adjust accordingly, I will have succeeded. After all, a famous hymnal doesn't express that "Shame is the Victory", but instead says "Faith is the Victory (that overcomes the world)".
