Surviving before thriving

Thursday at work I was talking to one of my coworkers about the book and movie, "The Shack".  I haven't made it through the book fully, but anyone who knows that book or movie knows it's a story of a man's struggle with himself and God as he comes to terms with the abduction and death of his young daughter on his watch.  As a father of a young girl, that book kind of got to me.

Anyway, the takeaway from our discussion was survival.  Life deals us blows from time to time and usually we can absorb them, process them, shrug them off and move forward pretty quickly.  However, on a few occasions the blow are so deep and profound that we can't just do that. Sometimes, it is just enough to survive them, never mind trying to process them.

So, it occurred to me, what do we do in the process of surviving.

• We consider the basics of what we need.  Depending on the loss, this could include
• Planning and burying a relative.
• Working on maintaining/recovering our health.
• Making sure the needs of our children are met.
• Making sure our basic needs are met including a roof over our head.
• We process what we need to at the time.  Depending on the loss, this could include:
• Understanding our loved one isn't there & will no longer be there.
• Taking the steps necessary to deal with our illness or recovery.
• Understanding that our house has been destroyed or taken away from us and that we will no longer be able to stay there.
• We push aside the things that either don't matter or that can be deferred until later.  This can involve.
• Delaying a major purchases.
• Delaying or altering a vacation.
• Cutting back on all but necessary spending.
• Focusing on taking care of our (and our family's) own needs rather than trying to help everyone else.
• Allowing other to do things for us while we recover.
• We take the daily steps that we need to.   Depending on the loss, these could include:
• Focusing on our recovery.
• Pay the bills we need to.
• Getting ready for the day.
• Going to work, school or whatever the day demands.
• Eating when we need to.
• Making sure the kids or pets have what they need.
• Process a little, vent/cry a little.

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All that being said, it occurred to me what is surviving?  To me surviving is like the necessary taking steps to keep an old car running until you've have the means or have saved up enough for a new car.  The sub points are how it relates to life.

• You put what you need to into the old car.  Your focus is expending only on keeping it running.
• You energies are invested what you need to do to survive.  Not much more.
• You limit driving in the old car to extend the life of it.
• You limit your focus daily to making it through another day.
• All the while, you are trying to save enough and/or make enough to make the purchase of a new car more feasible.  
• Little by little survival mode yields to processing the blow and all that it means.
• Gradually you get out of survival mode and you start to 'thrive again'.
• Opening up and seeing people again after a loved one dies.
• Recovering from or learning to live with health issues.
• Financially recovering enough to make major purchases again.

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Anyone who has been through a major blow, a major life change, a major loss and survived to tell the tale, will tell you half the battle is survival.  It may seem like forever until we are in a better place, but somewhere, somehow we know that there can be a better place for us.  There can be a place where we can thrive again.  Just like Job, when everything was taken away from him and he was suffering, he stayed firm in his faith.  Because of his faith, he was blessed with a larger family and a twofold inheritance (Job 42:8-17)   Now I don't expect everyone who keeps survives the bad times, keeps strong and keeps the faith will be reward so handsomely.  However, I do think there is an object lesson there.  Know that if you work on surviving the bad times when you need to, work on processing them along the way and work on getting to a better place you can, you can go from surviving to thriving or at least coming to a place of serenity.

In short, SURVIVE UNTIL YOU CAN THRIVE.


Now for some music to encourage everyone to keep on moving in the face of adversary.

Are you pushing necessary society change or just avoiding yourself?

One time I was observing a group on the news disrupting a church service attended by a certain politician.  They used the forum to try to push their agenda.  I won't identify the issue or actors as I don't want to distract from the larger point.  But, I wondered what made their agenda so important that they felt the need to shut down the service and the harass the politician attending it?  A possible answer occurred to me:  People sometimes find it less painful to 'change' society than to accept themselves or change what they don't like about themselves.  In short, for some people forcing everyone to 'accept' them or their agenda is easier than coming to terms with themselves.  That is to say, they are unwilling to do the emotional, spiritual or mental lifting required to come to terms with themselves and would rather push society toward 'validating' them--even if such validation would be forced.

Before I dive into this topic further, I want to make a few notes or disclaimers as I see it.

• I don't mean to dismiss the need for social change in some areas.  Nor do I mean to dismiss the right or need to protest for such.  Women's suffrage and destroying the Jim Crowe legacy were clear examples of the need for and the right to protest for change.  I believe, most people when you stripped away the excuses and rationalizations realized at the time that women should have an equal vote in our republic and that no one should be denied service due to the color of the skin they were born with.  Clearly, pushing societal change was the right thing to do.
• Sometimes people pushing for social change might do so for different reasons.  One because he or she has inner demons to deal with, while the other would be due to a sincere belief in that cause.  Still another might have mixed motives. I'm focusing on the person who is using a 'cause' as an excuse to not deal with their personal demons.
• People shouldn't generally be forced to buy into an idea or change.
• It can speak of arrogance to those pushing it.  As if there idea or change is THE only right one.  Some ideas/changes aren't necessarily the right direction no matter how forcefully pushed.  See Nazi Germany as an extreme example.
• Doing so can cause problems with the idea or change taking effectively.  This is especially true when other parties are denied a voice in the process.  Our Constitution anticipated this and while not perfect put processes in place: Having Congress write laws, having the executive branch enforce them, having SCOTUS review the laws for Constitutionality and giving us a process to amend the Constitution to seek consensus where there is not clarity.  
• Changes done Constitutionally rather than by fiat, I believe have a better history of going more smoothly.  Constitutional amendments are rarely questioned today vs. those done by fiat as there is a sense of being better settled.
• Changes done by fiat can also be undone by fiat.  If feel you were denied a voice in a change, you won't have as much of an issue with rolling back the change outside Constitutional boundaries.
• Not everyone has to buy into an idea or change.
• Sometimes forcing them to do so is to deny them their first amendment rights (to speak out).
• If the change is for the better, society is more likely to gradually embrace it anyway. 
• So ideas or changes don't require everyone to buy into them to become effective.

So back to my main point.  It occurred to me that some of the people pushing the hardest, shrieking the loudest and/or tolerating no dissent sometimes are doing so because of inner demons they have regarding the issue or change they are pushing.  In short, as Shakespeare said in Hamlet, "The lady doth protest too much methinks".

To wit:

• Mark Foley, a champion against child pornography and who led the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children and led pushed for stronger laws to protect children against possible pornographic exploitation with the Child Modeling Exploitation Prevention Act of 2002.  The Act failed in part due to its overly broad nature.  In any case,  in 2006, he had to resign in disgrace from Congress when he was exposed to have have sexted underage pages.
• On the one hand he practically carried 'protection' of children on his shoulders by himself, but on the other hand he struggled with exploiting underage boys. 
• It is important to protect children and they need champions for them in high places. However, the extent that he pushed for 'protecting children' ultimately appeared to be either a cover for or a shame reaction for his own demons. 
• In Oregon, a Christian couple was being pushed to bake a cake for a reception of a gay wedding, when it was probably obvious that they were "Christian-owned" business (Sweet Cakes).  My understanding it that they were likely not comfortable with the idea of 'condoning' gay marriage by participating in the celebration thereof.  They balked citing their faith and ultimately had their business and livelihood destroyed.
• As they were located near Portland, OR, a number of similar businesses nearby could easily have met the wedding cake request.  This was likely known by the couple who requested the cake.
• The couple that requested the cake, were probably aware of the the nature of the business, but instead of turning the other cheek (and respecting that a faith-based business could disagree with them), they pushed forward and sued the bakery into oblivion.
• Instead of accepting that others could disagree with celebrating their lifestyle choice based on freedom of religion, it would seem that they were determined to 'force' society into complete acceptance and condoning of their lifestyle choice.  
• It wasn't enough that the state accepted and condoned their lifestyle choice, the couple seemed to 'need' additional validation of their choice and couldn't accept that anyone could disagree with celebrating it (even if their faith dictated that).  In short, accept and celebrate us even if it is against your sincere and traditional religious beliefs OR we will shut you down.
• My take is that in some of these cases, the 'advocates' would rather prove to everyone (and to themselves) how righteous they are by trying to force everyone else to agree, rather than reaching deep inside them and accepting that that is isn't necessary.  In short, forcing society to artificially 'validate' them rather than being comfortable with who they are.  

I'm not going to be the referee of what causes are worthy to push for provided that the 'innocent' aren't hurt nor is our safety or security.  I'm not going to tell others how to live.  Ultimately, I believe that each of us has to answer to our "Higher Power".  That being said, I don't want my right to free speech or free exercise of my faith smothered by a 'need' of another to be at peace with his or herself or their agenda.  That I believe is the start of fascism.  The very act of shutting or crushing another's freedoms for your own comfort or benefit is fascist in my humble opinion.

As Evelyn Beatrice Hall said, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it".  This applies to the right to practice your faith.  The Constitution doesn't guarantee a right to be free of being offended. 

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My takeaway?

1. You have a right to express your Constitutionally protected beliefs.
2. You do not have a right to deny others the same regardless of your 'needs'.
3. If you are too damaged to cope with others having an alternative belief to you, you probably need to work on yourself.  
4. If you 'require' or need to 'force' others to agree with you to have peace in your life, that's an indication that you probably need to work on yourself.
5. If your first instinct is to try and shut other down rather than convince them, its a clear indication that you have fascist tendencies and need to work on yourself.

I know this post was controversial, but I've got to be true to myself.  My journey through understanding addiction, codependence and human nature is intended to help others, but is not intended to be a whitewash of how I see things.  It is intended to give a perspective perhaps that hasn't occurred to everyone or even anyone.  I know that I am not anywhere near being always right and try to own when I'm not.  However, it is most important to me to express things as I see them.  As I've told a few others when I 'see' unpleasant 'truths', I don't enjoy it and sometimes I wish and hope what I 'see' isn't so.

Thanks for reading and I hope this hasn't at least given you food for thought or at possible understanding of what drives some people.

- Rich

2016: The Happy Gilmore Election

I normally don't get political in my blog.  It really is meant to be study or observations on  addiction/codependent behavior and human nature.  But, an insight I had this week was too good to pass up.  I will try to be somewhat even-handed about it as I really don't want this to be a springboard for arguments on politics.  Really, it is meant to be a humorous observation/take on the 2016 election and the human nature behind it.  So, here goes.

I think it's fairly safe to say that most people (but not all) were surprised by the results of the 2016 Presidential Election.  But, in hindsight, it shouldn't have been that big of a surprise.  Think Happy Gilmore and you'll understand. Let's break the election down and compare it to Happy Gilmore for some perspective.

Many Trump supporters:

• Like in Happy Gilmore, they were new to the game.
• Trump picked up large crowds, many of whom were in large part new to the political process. 
• Happy picked up large crowds many of whom were not new to golf.
• Their 'hero' was unconventional.
• Happy was a lifelong hockey player turned pro-golfer.
• Trump was lifelong businessman turned Presidential candidate.
• Their 'hero' was not political correct 
• Happy had outbursts on the course and openly vented his frustration unlike conventional golfers.
• Trump does stream of conscience speaking & tweeting in a way unlike conventional politicians.
• They saw an establishment that had contempt for them.  They saw Hillary as arrogant like "Shooter MacGavin". They saw Shooter as someone who despised Happy as Hillary seemed to with Trump.
• Their 'hero' was the underdog whom the establishment tried to block at points.

Many Hillary supporters:

• Saw Trump as uncouth/improper oaf, just as Shooter & much of the 'respected' golf establishment saw Happy.
• Saw Trump as a dangerous potential leader who would 'go off'' without warning in Tweets and who would cause diplomatic rows.  Just like Shooter saw Happy as an 'unhinged' idiot who could be thrown off balance and who'd be prone to problems, like Happy was when he brawled with Bob Barker after being heckled mercilessly. 
• Many saw a lot of Trump's supporters as being racist/redneck in the way that Shooter saw many of Happy's fans as lacking etiquette.
• Couldn't imagine that she could lose to Trump, just like Shooter couldn't believe that he could lose to such a graceless buffoon.  
• Shocked and stunned when she lost, just as Shooter was when he did. 

Timeline:

• Happy, like Trump was new to the scene, upsetting the old order and making enemies, but his outrageous style also peaked the golfing world's interest, just like Trump peaked the political world's interest.
• Much of the golfing establishment was appalled by Happy, but he was kept in the game to drive up attendance and ratings.
• Trump appalled much of the establishment, but he drew media attention with his words and tweets.  He was kept high profile as it was good for ratings.
• Happy like Trump was at one point thought to be a fluke who'd fade into the background, but defied expectations and stayed in the game like Trump stayed in the race. 
• Happy collected wins as did Trump along the way.
• For Happy first it was it was wagers, then it became a local tournament, then it became the professional tour.
• For Trump, first it was a close Iowa, then NH and South Carolina, Super Tuesday and off to the races.
• A few in the old order supported Happy, like a few in the old order supported Trump.
• PR head Virginia Venit for Happy in Happy Gilmore.
• Sen. Jeff Sessions for Trump.
• Both at their peak had some stumbles.
• Happy
• He lost the AT&T open badly.
• He got into a fight with Bob Barker after he was heckled by 'plant'.
• His coach Chubbs Peterson falls to his death after being spooked by an alligator head.
• He loses the house in auction to Shooter MacGavin and must win the "Tour Championship" to get the house from him.
• On the final day of the Tour Championship, a crazy man hired by Shooter runs Happy down injuring him. Later overeager fans up up climbing up and knocking over a tower which obstructs the final hole for Happy.
• Trump
• He had setbacks in Colorado, Wisconsin and few other states.
• He had a few setbacks with Tweet storms that were controversial
• He had a setback with the Access Hollywood tape.
• Both recovered and won
• Trump blitzed across battleground states in the fading days and won with close victories in a few key states when few thought he would win. He also overcame his controversies.
• Happy learned to better manage his temper and he practiced his putting at a mini-golf course and got better at it.  He kept up with Shooter on the first 3 days of the "Tour Championship", but was thrown off on the last day.  At the end, when the course become impossible, somehow Happy played the impossible course (using his mini-golf skills) and dramatically won.

I believe that like Trump, people had strong feelings about both the character Happy and the movie Happy Gilmore.  Many love Trump, like many in the movie loved Happy.  However, there are many that despise him, like there were many in the movie that despised Happy.  Like Trump himself, many see the movie as a "Cult classic".  Others see the movie as another juvenile pile, just like Trump himself.


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Anyway, my takeaways from this blog are the following.

1. If we see this as a Happy Gilmore election you will understand why Trump won.  He was different and underestimated at many points in the election. like Happy was.  Trump's fans at rallies really did translate into votes.  Just like Happy's fans on the course, helped encourage him.
2. Just like Happy, Trump won the "Tour Championship".  It was called the "November election".
3. It remains to be seen if Trump succeeds like Happy did.  Happy not only won the Tour Championship, but he got Grandma's house back.  Trump won the "Tour Championship", but it remains to be seen if he gets back grandma's house (has a successful term).
4. If you get too mad reading this post, you need to lighten up and see it as sarcastic as it is meant.  Yes, I realize the Presidency is a serious matter, but it's nice to be able to laugh at the serious stuff occasionally.

All I have to say is this.  After reading this, I hope you are all Happy.  HAHA.

Love,

Rich

Loneliness is such a sad affair

It's amazing, we live in cities with tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands or millions of people, yet we somehow find a way to be lonely.  I'm not necessarily saying lonely all the time, but you know we all have our moments.  For some people, the moments are occasional, but for others the moments are lasting and seemingly without end.

The anniversary of my marriage was the other day.  We were pretty low key about it.  It's not that we didn't consider it important, but we consider it a step in a lifelong process. In my first marriage, we focused too much on reaching and celebrating the milestones and not enough time on the health of the relationship.  So, for me, I look forward to us working together and letting the milestones come naturally and then taking time to celebrate them rather than making a production of reaching and planning them.   We've had many really good moments in which it all seems to click, but we've also had growing pains.  Unfortunately, blended families rarely work as smoothly as The Brady Bunch.  There is a period of time it takes for everyone to get know and trust each other  Anyway, our schedules do not always permit us to spend us much time as we'd like getting to know each other and/or discussing what we need to.  Any married couple with two working parents, I'm sure can relate.  This leads to moments of loneliness in which we feel the other can't always be there for our daily life challenges, concerns or triumphs.  So, it is our goal in the next year to find enough or make enough 'us' time to help with that.

This all got me to thinking about loneliness.  I believe everyone has times of loneliness in which they realize it is just them and their Higher Power (God).  For example, my wife is aware of and empathizes with my current neck injury and I her knee injury, but neither of us has experienced the specific injury problem/level of the other.  Therefore, there is a certain amount of loneliness we have in dealing with our injuries.  I imagine when a spouse has cancer it is sort of like that too.  You support him or her as much as you can, but ultimately, they have to be the one who battles it.


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So, how would I classify the types of loneliness.  Based on what I've experienced, on what I've seen in others and on what I can surmise, here is a breakdown of loneliness.


Relational

• Where you miss the closeness of family.  The following are circumstances that could lead to familial loneliness. 
• Your family of origin is not very close-knit.  For whatever reasons the bonds you see in 'perfect' families never fully took, stuck or were available.  
• You never really knew your family--this can either be immediate family (such as a missing parent) or extended family (such as aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents).
• You knew them but for whatever reason or dysfunction there was a lack of closeness.
• You family of origin is scattered or busy.  Getting together can be an undertaking in some circumstances.
• Your family of origin has been decimated.  As we get older we lose those who have been a fixture of our family.  This can secondarily lead to a breakdown of remaining family.  Unfortunately, for me, this type of circumstance has hit close to home.
• Where you miss the closeness of friends.  The following are circumstances that could lead to this type of loneliness.
• You have few if any friends.  
• No man is an island.  We all need to be part of a bigger gang.
• People are generally social creatures and best thrive when surrounded by friends.
• You have few close friends
• You may have a lot of acquaintances, people you see at work, church or wherever.
• However, at the end of the day, you may not really have much of anyone to be able to call on.  To me that is the definition of closeness.
• You have close friends, but they are often unavailable.
• They have a busy schedule and it is hard to find time with them.
• You are separated by significant distance and it is hard to get together easily with them.
• Where you miss the closeness of a romantic relationship/marriage family.  The following are circumstances that could lead to relational loneliness
• You are single and unattached.  While being single has its perks, one of the drawbacks is not having someone to curl up with and hear "I love you".
• You have a relationship/marriage which is by strife and disconnect.  Relationships on balance are meant to be a safe place for us.  One where we can share our joys, fears and all other feelings in between.  When this is limited or nonexistent in a relationship, it can feel vary isolated.  Isolation of course can lead to the disintegration of a relationship.

Existential 

• Where you wonder about your role.
• Sometimes we might seem like we are just another cog in the wheel at our job.
• Sometimes we wonder if we were not present, would anyone care that much.
• Sometimes in our group (friends/family/etc), we can be just another voice and not necessarily feel like an important one.
• Sometimes we might wonder about our role in the cosmic scheme.  That is do we matter to or in our Higher Power's universe (God).
• Where you wonder about your impact.
• Sometimes we wonder if we are making a positive difference in the lives of others.
• Sometimes we wonder if we are raising our children in the best way.  That is are we being the best leader.
• Sometimes we wonder if we are doing anything significant in the world are or we just replaceable?
• Where you wonder about your legacy.
• Sometimes we wonder if we were gone if we'd be forgotten or missed that much.
• Sometimes we wonder if after we are long gone will there be any sign that we mattered.
• Lasting impact in the lives of others--lives that we positively changed.
• A 'monument' to what we left behind.  It could be things we built or created, ideas/concepts/writings that we shared, a marker that we mattered somewhere.
• Where you wonder about your eternal destiny.
• We think about this during our lives, but we might consider it more as our health starts to deteriorate.
• We might wonder if we be 'punished' or 'rewarded' for the life we lived and the ideal we tried to follow.
• We might wonder if we will see those we lost along the way.
• We might wonder if we will even have any sense of self or awareness after the final curtain has gone down.
• We might wonder if there is any real existence after this life has passed.  (All we are is dust in the wind?)

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As I indicated previously, I believe that everyone experiences loneliness of a sort at some time or another in their life.  I think it's unavoidable and can even be beneficial in that it can help clarify who or what really matters in our life.  As social creatures if we feel too much loneliness, I believe we have a tendency to try to assuage it.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, I believe we have to keep a few questions in mind when trying to lessen or assuage loneliness.

• Is the amount of 'loneliness' we feel reasonable to expect or feel, especially relative to our situation?  
• Is it excessive and indicates a mental health issue?
• Is it excessive and indicates a need to interact or connect more with others?
• Are we spending too much time, effort and trouble trying to 'remedy' it and not enough effort accepting it as 'part of life'.
• We can recognize some loneliness is okay and doesn't need to be 'cured'.
• We can recognize our efforts to 'cure' our loneliness may be way out of wack with the extent of loneliness we are feeling.
• Just because we are feeling kind of lonely doesn't mean we have to go out every night looking for others to 'cure' it.
• Are we mistaking the type(s) of loneliness we are feeling?
• If we feel too much existential loneliness, trying to deal with or 'cure' it with a relationship is probably a mistake.
• Family/friends can support us, but they can't be our reason for being or our crutch to avoid dealing with existential loneliness.
• If we focus on using relationships to solve our existential loneliness, we may end up with too many, too new, too involved, too entangled or some other unhealthy relationship issue.  Ultimately, while others can help support us and help us walk through life, it is up to our and our Higher Power to work out the existential questions.
• If we feel too much relational loneliness, trying to 'cure' it with an 'existential' solution is likely a mistake.
• While it is important for us to feel like and be driven by a purpose in life, a purpose will not replace the benefits of healthy relationships with others.
• While it is important to focus on our purpose, we can't necessarily focus on a purpose 24/7/365.  Even if we throw our lives into a purpose, there will be downtimes in which it will be hard to relational loneliness.
• Like resentment, we can only ignore or suppress relational loneliness for so long before it blows up in our face.
• We will search for an outlet to 'fix' it and it may not be a very healthy one.
• Our purpose may very well suffer if it has to compete with too much relational loneliness.

I guess my takeaway on the matter of loneliness would ultimately be this:

• Some loneliness is okay and even expected.  It can also be a positive driver for change.
• It is important to know when work on changing it and when to learn to accept it (serenity).
• It is important to recognize the type and degree of loneliness you are facing so you can address it the proper way.
• At the end of the day, after we strip it all away, it is between us and our Higher Power, but we are given the gift of family and friends just as Adam was in Genesis to support us in life.

Loneliness can be such a sad affair, but like much else in life it is how you choose to deal or cope with it when it is present that can help determine just how sad it is.

This is one of the most hauntingly sad songs that I've heard.  Knowing how she lived and died and how alone she must have felt as she struggled with anorexia 

Honor vs. Duty vs. Checking off a Box

I was talking to a friend recently about family.  We came to the determination that sometimes a family's engagement with each other is colored by their faith or beliefs to the extent that they feel compelled to interact with each other.  The idea being that if certain members had their druthers they would pretty well ignore the others.  In other words since the "Good Book" says "honor thy father and mother" and the like, certain family members will humor the others out of a sense of "following the rules".   In other words, in order to be a "proper" Christian, Catholic, or whatever, you should be 'good' to family, even if it is just effectively for show.

We talked it about in terms of honor vs. duty, when I think what we really were considering was a third idea.  That is, checking off a box to their Higher Power or others they want to please.  The box says 'I did what I was supposed to' or 'I made an effort'.  Below, I will explore each of these concepts.

HONOR

• From the Army's website, https://www.army.mil/values/, Honor is a matter of carrying out, acting, and living the values of respect, duty, loyalty, selfless service, integrity and personal courage in everything you do. I believe this is commonly how people see it.
• Essentially, it is doing the right thing because you know it is the right thing to do.  That is to say, you wish to live a life of respect and purpose.  Respect not just for our Higher Power & others, but respect for yourself.  
• I see it as doing what you know is right and not looking back or second guessing, you just do (often without even pausing to think about it).
• Many people join the military or otherwise take professions in which they put their life on the line due to a sense of honor.  They feel like they are meant to help others, it is their purpose.
• I buried my mom, my dad & my immediate older brother out of a sense of honor.  The family needed someone who would make sure each was done right in their final journey.  This included planning & preparing for their memorials/funerals, giving them a respectful eulogy, directing obituaries & making sure that where a shortfall occurred that the funds necessary would be provided to make all of this happen.  It was very draining and it sure wasn't any fun.  But for me, I knew taking care of them and those left behind in those moments was just what needed to be done, period.

DUTY 

• The English Oxford Living Dictionaries first definition of duty is as follows: A moral or legal obligation; a responsibility.
• I separate it from honor, because I see duty as something that is often done because there is a requirement to do it.  Meaning, while you respect the legal or moral requirement to do it, there may not be a greater sense of purpose or 'honor' that goes along with doing your 'duty'.
• While doing something out of duty may not be as noble of doing it out of honor, there is a certain level of respect that is earned for doing someone who does out of duty.  While it may not be as profound as the respect earned for doing something out of honor, it still deserves respect.
• For me, duty might be making sure your child is properly clothed, fed, educated and kept warm and safe.  It could also be making sure you do your best to do your job well.  In other words, doing the things that we are supposed to, even when we are feeling tired or short on enthusiasm.

CHECKING OFF A BOX

• To me duty implies a sincerity of purpose.  I made this category to cover when we are doing something because we believe it is expected of us, because it will 'look good' or because we have this moral 'law-based' obligation to do it.  When we do something based on any of those, we are hollow inside about it.  In short, we are insincere about purpose and/or are going through the motions.
• An extreme case of this is illustrated in the Bible.  In Matthew 23:1-12, Jesus condemned the Pharisees as zealots who would tie heavy, law-based loads onto those they led and make a show of 'observing the law' when in reality at best they were observing the letter of the law, but not the spirit of it.  They would often display their 'piety' publicly for show, while privately having no little or no piety.  They'd rationalize that they were set because they 'followed the rules'.
• Sometimes, we have to check off a box when the rules or regulations or restrictions are so ridiculous that we are forced to jump through hoops (such as when starting a business).  However, what I am meaning is our personal actions being dictated by a need to make ourselves feel better (rationalize) or to appear proper.  An example of this is inviting nearby family over once a year on the holidays because our 'faith' tells us to love each other.  Yet, the balance of the year is spent ignoring them.  To me, that's not family, getting together with people because you are related to them.

I'm not sure what the takeaway from this particular blog is except this: Not everything we do in our lives is out of honor.  Many of our actions are done out of duty and there is plenty to be celebrated there as many do not even meet the basics of that.  However, I believe if our personal actions are largely dictated by the need to 'check off a box', then it is time we reexamine our lives.  That may mean stopping the insincere parts of our lives (such as pretending to be a friend, when we don't want to be one) OR adjusting our frame of mind (respecting that God gave us family and even if they aren't perfect learning to appreciate the gift of family he gave us).

I know this seems like a bit of a judgmental blog, but when often times when I write, I write with a mirror in hand to examine where I can improve or meet  the ideals I espouse.  After considering a little, I guess my secondary takeaway is to be honest with yourself and what animates your action(s).  Only by reflection can we improve.

Thanks for reading and I hope to post again soon.

-- Rich

I believe Eric Clapton honored the memory of his son with this song.  This was a love song to his son who passed way too soon.  This song often brings tears to my eyes listening to it.

The insane voice, installment 7: The contrarian.

As I've went from childhood to adulthood, my life was animated by questioning everything.  I've always been a truth-seeker.  But, part of being a truth-seeker to me is asking the questions that no one else asks.  That is, the what ifs.  In that vein, I like to think of my self as a contrarian.  Sometimes that comes out as "the devil's advocate", sometimes that comes out as sarcasm and sometimes it comes out as "out there".  I will let you determine which category each of these thoughts fall into.  In the meantime, please enjoy the Installment 7 of "The Insane Voice".

1) One time I was reading through an Entertainment coupon book and noticed that some of the coupons said "Enjoy a free such and such with the purchase of a such and such".  It occurred to me that the vendor/store in the Entertainment book was kind of bossing me around.  It wasn't like "we hope you enjoy" or "Have a free" or anything like that, but instead almost a demand that I enjoy the free such and such.  I one time while using a coupon at the store, said to them, "What happens if I decide to get the free one, but not enjoy it?"  They were left speechless.  I believe I won that encounter.  HA

2) While at physical therapy the other day, U2 was playing, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" and you know how serious and preachy Bono is.  It occurred to me, "Has he found what he's looking for yet?" and "Isn't 30 years long enough to find it?" and "If you can't find what your looking for, isn't it just time to shut up and give it a rest?"

3) So, we all know about the "Little Boy Who Cried Wolf".  But, who have has given thought to the "Wolf Who Cried Little Boy"?   Didn't see that coming did ya?  Anyway, I figure his fellow wolves probably get sick of him crying "little boy" and them coming to discover there was no little boy out there to chase after.  Finally one day after they'd had enough he legitimately cried, "little boy" and they ignored him,  So, he went after the little boy without the others having his back and got a beatdown from the little boy, thereby teaching him not to cry "little boy" recklessly.

4) The song "Black Widow" by Iggy Izalea, she sing the line "I'm going to love ya until you hate me".  It occurred to me, what if it was turned around: "I'm going to hate ya until you love me. Would the song be called "Loveable Jerk"?

5) So one time I saw a clerk name "Mary" at Walgreens and I was in a particularly goofy mood and asked her, "Why you always gotta be so contrary?"  As if not missing a beat, Mary the clerk said, "Well someone's gotta be".  Suffice to say, clerk Mary won that match.  BOO

6) I may have mentioned this before.  But when my dad was dying and my old minister visited him in the hospital with me, we were at the elevator and I said to him, "How long have you been practicing" in relation to his time in the minister.  It was 20-something years if I recall.  So, it occurred to me and I posed this to him:  "If practice makes perfect and you've been practicing for a long time, does that mean that you're perfect?"  He gave his, "yeah wise guy" type smile and said, "It doesn't exactly work that way."  Good comeback.

7) I recently went to subway to pick up food for the family and noticed a sign on the door: "Now Hiring Great People" and something occurred to me. Does that mean they used to hire lousy people?  I went in and asked and they laughed.  I said, no offense to you guys, they probably already got rid of the lousy ones.

8) If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, where are those who have gender identity confusion from?  I will leave that one right there and if you find this rude, just remember I didn't put the rude thought in your mind that you are thinking right now.   ^..^ 

On that note, I will bid you all a fond farewell.  Adios, goodbye, cya, ciao, bon voyage and so on and so forth...  Until next time.

Insane voice, installment 1

Insane voice, installment 2

Insane voice, installment 3

Insane voice, installment 4

Insane voice, installment 5

Insane voice, installment 6

Insane voice, installment 7

Insane voice, installment 8

The insane voice, installment 6: How rude (caution ahead).

I got the idea for this blog post upon seeing someone expressing on Facebook that they were watching a movie.  Anyway, I've seen (and heard about) people give their life story--even parts I'd rather not know.  So, it my insane voice told me to write a blog based on rude thoughts.

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1) As I mentioned, the status updates people post on Facebook make me half wonder if one day people will start posting on a regular basis things like: "Using the can", "finished using the can", "belching & passing gas", "making out now", etc.  As we all need to remember, just because it is happening in our lives at this moment, DOESN'T mean that the world needs to be made aware of it.


2) On a local commercial for a frozen custard hangout called Ted Drewes.  The now owner, Ted Drewes Jr., is famous for talking up the his store/creations within commercials.  Anyway, he used to end the commercials by saying, "It really is good guys".  It has been changed to "It really is good guys and gals".  So, it occurred to me in today's day and age, that sounds old fashion.  I wonder if one day he might say, "It really is good guys and gals and pre-op and post-op transgendered people and inner city folks & rednecks from the middle of nowhere and same sex oriented and homophobes...".  I will stop right there and you can add your own additions to it.  Suffice to say, in an attempt to include all, he could easily offend certain elements or groups of our society by pointing them out or not including them.  Anyway, he's probably best just leaving at "guys and gals", even if it sounds old-fashion for some.


3) If a Siamese cat singles out and attacks a Black cat or vice versa are they exhibiting unconstitutionally discriminatory or racist behavior?


4) Speaking of said Siamese cat, I remembered that my Saimese cat has a birthday that is coming up soon.  However, his birthday is the same date as the anniversary of my first marriage.  So, I thought sarcastically hmm, I wonder if I should get my ex a gift for that date.  Soon thereafter, an idea came about: Happy Unanniversary.  It's a tradition that should be a part of every divorce settlement--except ones due to domestic violence or such.   On the date that would have been your next anniversary after the divorce, each party should be required in the settlement to get the other party a gift.  On the anniversary of the divorce, each party is required to take back the gift.  A few stipulations however:

• The amount of the gift each one gives can be negotiated in the settlement, but it has to be a legitimate gift with significant value, not say ramen noodles or a fruitcake.
• The gift must be a gift the other party likes.  It cannot be a gift you like and look forward to getting back.  
• The gifts cannot be one that could be used up before returning it or lose all value before returning it.  
• Each party must submit in writing a extensive list of possible gifts that they want and there cannot be common gifts between the two parties.  Once again, the party that gets back the gift on the divorce date should not be rewarded with something he or she likes.
• You cannot regift the same gift in a subsequent year.
• An meditator will review the lists to make sure they follow all these rules. 
• Breaking these rules could result in a significant fine or penalty.

You get divorced on say February 2nd.  Your anniversary would have been May 12th.  On May 12th, each party is required to meet with a common witness and trade a wrapped gift.  The gifts must be unwrapped in front of each other and a notary witness and sign for.   On the following February 2nd, you must meet and before a notary witness and return the gift and sign that you returned it.   February 2nd is Happy Unannivesary Day for you.  It is the date in which you get to feel the loss every year.  Originally, the idea was poking fun at an old anniversary and how they aren't celebrated, but after thinking about it and mentioning it to a few people, they thought it could actually be a good teaching moment.  The idea was illustrating to you that you destroyed, lost or gave away something that was once valuable to you (a marriage).  Every Unannivesary Date would be a reminder to you not to throw away relationships (particularly marriages).  Something that would make you think of importance of working on relationships especially if you hoped to get married again. It would also be a way of having to face the reality of divorce on a yearly basis.  If you were divorced multiple times, then it could be a very expensive and painful lesson.  Now, in an abusive relationship that could be cruel, so an exception would be made.  But, in a "we just drifted apart" or whatever relationship, that could be very instructive.  One final note on this: the inventor of this idea---me--would get a lifetime exemption from this process.  Hey, it was my idea.

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That last idea was a bit more involved than I thought, so I will leave it there.  I hope you enjoyed this installment of "The Insane Voice" and will come back for me.

Cheers,
Rich

Insane voice, installment 1

Insane voice, installment 2

Insane voice, installment 3

Insane voice, installment 4

Insane voice, installment 5

Insane voice, installment 6

Insane voice, installment 7

Insane voice, installment 8