This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
One day recently I had a discussion with my daughter. She was among a group of boys, some of whom were picking on a younger boy. Long story short, she decided to chime in on the poking fun at the younger boy. When I get wind of it, I let her know that wasn't acceptable behavior and that I'd better not get wind of that sort of behavior again. Obviously, you appeal to her sense of consequences, but even more, I wanted to appeal to her pride and self-respect too.
I said to her, "When you followed the behavior of others who are making bad choices boys are you being a leader or a follower?" She said, "A follower". I then asked her, "If you stand up and said that the mocking behavior wasn't okay or had walked away and possibly told an adult, would you be a leader or follower?". She said, "A leader". So, then I said, which would you rather be? She indicated she preferred being a leader.
So, I kind of of laid out to her my thoughts about being a leader, a follower, and both, especially as it relates to a kid.
Leader
Strives to do that which which her or she knows is right, for its own sake.
When confronted with pressure to do the wrong thing stands up to those pressuring him or her, walks away in protest and/or when necessary relay the problem to others in authority--except where they themselves are the authority to handle it.
Sets a positive example. When a situation comes up which tempts them not to do the right thing, they resist that temptation.
Making bad choices leads to the tendency to make other bad choices.
Even when you think no one is paying attention to your choices, often time they are or will find about them.
If you make bad choices, you make it easier for others to, especially those who by virtue of age or position you should be leading.
Even leaders have to answer to someone to.
Good leaders become and stay good leaders when they realize that there is a time to follow the advice or example of others.
Follower
Not every one can be a leader or precisely, you cannot be a leader in every situation. Some situations dictate only one leader at a time. For example, there can only be one President at a time.
Sometimes you don't have the knowledge/training, experience or expertise to lead in a given situation.
For example, you need special training to be a police officer.
For example, you need to be old enough and have been trained on the proper handling of fireworks (and depending on types or location, certified)
It is okay to be a follower when others in charge or others like you are setting a good example or doing the right thing. When they aren't, it can be wrong or dangerous to be a follower.
Followers usually have a time in a place in which their leadership is necessary.
Both
In some situations, by following the example of a good leader, you are actually leading others around you.
If you follow the advice & example of sports star who exhorts you to "complete your education" or "don't smoke" or a message like that you are setting a good example yourself. Siblings and kids that look up to you, will see the positive example you set and be at least a little less likely to quit school or start smoking.
Almost without exception, most people who end up being good leaders had at least one person in their life whom they followed that set an example.
I guess the takeaway I hope to give from this post is the following: Be a leader when you should, a follower when it is proper and realize that whether you see yourself as a leader or follower, you should always do your best and do the right thing regardless. After all, it is very likely that you will have to play each role at some point (and sometimes at the same time). So, doing your best and proper will help those who are leading you AND will set a good example for those whom you are leading.
Recently I wrote a blog post called: Please Don't Be a Pleaser. The upshot of it was that there are point(s) in your life which you realize you can't please everyone. More specifically it went into the types of circumstances in which you can't please people and how to deal in those circumstances. While I think this is a constructive angle to look at in the study of "people pleasing", essentially it is a sort of "I'm here" vs. a "How did I get here" perspective. So, I will focus today's post on what's behind the tendency to people pleasing, that is to say what drives them. As the title indicates, I believe there are (at least) three drivers for people pleasing. They are in no particular order: the need for being a diplomat, feeling uncertain about self and needing validation. People pleasers can have one or more of these personality types. THE DIPLOMAT
This person values peace and strive to find common ground.
It maybe that they feel they are just good at making others feel good or bring peace.
It may be that they have had to deal with dysfunction and fighting at some point in their life. This drives them to defuse confrontation wherever they see it.
This person can serve as a go-between multiple two parties. They work to positively massage the egos of each of multiple warring parties, all while softening the hard edge between what each party wants to communicate with each other. They serve as the "happy face" for each side.
This person may get some sort of sense of value from being a 'peacemaker'.
If he or she can bring different factions to a peaceful outcome, they have saved everyone from the destructive effects of conflict.
If he or she can bring different factions to a just (or 'everyone wins') outcome, they have advanced progress for everyone.
This person is probably considered having the most "noble" reason for being a pleaser.
As long as he or she is considered fair and just, who doesn't appreciate the peacemaker?
While this type of pleaser likes to consider themselves fair and impartial, they may be more political than advertised.
Provided this person doesn't just another run all over him or her, some degree of wanting to be the diplomat or to help bring happiness to another isn't a bad thing in relationships.
UNCERTAIN YOU
This person may not have a well-developed sense of self.
If you don't know who you are, it is hard to be centered.
The cliche 'if you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for everything' is appropriate here.
This person's sense of self may be reasonably developed, but they may fall into the trap of second guessing.
This can be a result of being stuck in a pit of shame, especially if they've had significant prior failures.
They may allow their better judgement to be overrode by the seeming certainty of others. Someone with strong and unflinching 'certainty' can be intimidating to others who don't have such certainty and may cause one to second guess.
Certainty, even if misguided, projected by another can be intoxicating, especially if all you have to do is just "buy into the program". There can be some attractiveness of trying to go along with or please the alpha.
This person would probably be considered the "weakest" type of person/pleaser.
VALIDATION VALUER
This person may be struggling with their sense of self and instead of looking within for approval may seek to be seek to be agreeable with others in an attempt to quench the hole in their soul that looks like it is the shape of approval.
This person may have a reasonably well-developed sense of self, but is still seeking approval for their own reasons.
They seek approval as a means to power. By seeking the popular position or consensus they are looking to have the largest group of people support them. In short, they find people that need to 'be heard' and agreed with and seek to 'please them' to gain their support.
They may be narcissists by nature, thinking highly of themselves for "understanding" the needs of others. In other words, self-validation. Hearing and 'schmoozing' (aka pleasing) others is really just means to an end. That is to say they 'know' what is best for others and have at least pretend to listen.
This person in some circumstances this person may be considered the most "cynical" type of pleaser.
This type of pleaser may get into politics. What better way to validate yourself than to convince others into selecting you.
This type of pleaser may get into other types of stages.
By choosing the theater in any form--movie, TV, Broadway, ect--they can validate themselves by capturing the minds, heart and the $$ of others, by playing a 'role' and bring happiness to their 'fans'.
By choosing other types of entertainment--such as sports and music--they also can validate themselves by capturing the minds, heart and the $$ of others, by bring happiness to their 'fans'.
I guess my takeaway on this post is this: If you are a people pleaser, what drives you? Secondly, understanding what drives people to try to 'please' others may help you relate to them better. Whatever drives us to please others, we won't truly be healthy emotionally and spiritually until we find a healthy way to 'please' ourselves. That doesn't mean be selfish, but does mean to be at peace with ourselves and to peace with our Higher Power (God).
As I mentioned in a previous post, Reel Life: Scenes from life's movie, sometimes I feel like life is a movie. Specifically, I meant it is typically like a live showing of a movie at the theaters, where it keeps rolling and you only see the past in flashbacks (or prior frames). Anyway, it occurred to me, if life is a movie, what type of movie is it?
There are many different genres of movies, just like there are many different types of people or personalities. Just like a comedy usually has some serious moments, dramas have some lighter or comic moments, kids movies usually give a nod to grownups and such, our lives typically have more than one type of movie associated with it. For example, even people whose life is built on created drama, have time of true drama or tragedy in their lives. That being said, let's stereotype a little.
TYPES OF MOVIES WE LIVE (as I see it)
Biography - This type of movie represents those who are truth seekers. It represents those who like see and say things straight. Just like biographical movies, sometimes this type of person can be fascinating and refreshing, but sometimes can be 'too candid' and a killjoy. After all, biographies don't just tell the good and interesting side of lives, but they also tell the not so good either.
Comedy - The type of movie represents those who don't necessarily take life too seriously or too straight--whether it is due to a lightness of being or a darker more cynical perspective.
Laugh out loud comedy - This type of movie represents those who live life jovially. While they have their moments, their moments don't keep them down for too long. They try to look at the glass half full and they definitely try to find something to smile about.
Dark comedy - This type sees often deeper darker motives behind what is at play in life and society. But instead of getting all would up about it, they sarcastically reflect on what they see.
Parody - They see life as a farce which they are privileged (or cursed) to see. As such, they take little at face value and tend to mock. Dark comedy & parody have similar elements to them, but a dark comedy is still somewhat serious.
Science fiction - They are very creative and adventurous, but sometimes they are considered a little bit nerdy. They tend to have something to believe in, even if it is not what everyone else does.
Western/war movie - People who these types of movies represent are very serious, no-nonsense types. Like those in a biography, they tend to speak their mind. Typically they don't care what other's think, but they live by their own code for justice and survival.
Family movie - These people live lives that would be labeled straight-laced or wholesome. They try to speak, behave and live a clean, if not healthy life. They may seem boring to some, but they are there to remind us of what is proper.
Musical - These people are the type who like to live large OR "put on a show".
Larger than life musical - These people like to live large, live loud and live flamboyant. For them it is all about spectacle and the attention. They just like the high or feeling of living big. Really, it is a show they are putting on for their own entertainment. The spectacle of their show often tends to make them fun to be around.
Production value musical -These people live their life as a "show" they are putting on for themselves or others. In their own personal show, they will do things to convince themselves they are "proper" thinking or behaving. In other words, they live as they believe they should, rather than how they actually feel. When they put on a 'performance' for others, they are trying to convince others of their inherent "betterness". In a way, their actions or behavior has the feel of virtue signaling.
Drama - These people tend to live a life of excitement, adventure or trouble. Sometimes, it is truly that way and sometimes it is overwrought.
A theatrical movie drama - They seen to get in and out of troubled circumstance and relationships. Maybe it is to seek that elusive feeling of happiness and maybe it is just what they are comfortable with.
A "made for TV" movie drama - Typically their life has a feeling of being dull about it. So, they feel the need to "create drama". Usually, the drama has a feeling of being forced and avoidable, but it is their way of feeling relevant (at least to themselves). Typically, others see through it, but sometimes when they run into someone in a similar circumstance, they have an audience for their "drama".
Tragedy - People with this type of life seem to have bad things happen to them or to those around them. Really, I think you could say people who live a life of tragedy in a way are living a life of extreme drama. People who live this life, if they are able to see around the destruction and sadness, can find a way to turn their life into a different movie, perhaps a biography.
Typically in life, we are given a script that we are expected to follow in our formative years. That is the type of movie we are expected to live. Sometimes, we are able to break away from that script at an early age and sometimes we never truly do break free from the script. However, especially as we get older, we tend to have a greater ability to change the script or change "movie" we are living. That being said, I do believe that although we have free will, it does seem like some people seem to be destined to follow a preordained script. That may be true or it may just be a matter of how their 'movie' turned out. That is to say, they lived a different script, but some event so altered their lives, they turned out to be a completely different person. For example, Oprah Winfrey was born to a single mom, grew up in poverty, faced sexual abuse and was a teenage mom for a short period of time (to an infant son who died shortly after birth). One could describe her early life's movie as a "tragedy". But, due to her faith and her persistence, her life movie changes from a tragedy to a biography. Hers is just one of many.
Anyway, what type of movie is your life or is it a combination of movie types? Do you feel like your life's movie type has changed over time or due to events? Just some questions to ponder as we live life's movie.
I'm sure anyone who has been on the customer service side of a consumer complaint or the consumer side of a consumer complain has experienced an insincere apology by the business providing the good or service. That is to say, just about anyone who is well in their adulthood. I had an instance of this a couple days ago. A couple days ago I left a review of my January (2017) car buying experience. Last time I bought a car was in 2014. At that time, I was just happy to get a reliable car with any kind of financing (as I had to declare bankruptcy in 2012). The previous few times my credit was good enough that I knew I could and would get an excellent rate. Anyway, I'd repaired my credit somewhat since 2012 and I knew I could get a decent, but not eye-popping financing rate. So back to the car-buying experience. In January (2017), I had to buy another car abruptly as another driver destroyed my car and left me with a concussion and whiplash. In any case, when I bought the car soon after the accident, I still was suffering from the effects of a concussion. Despite this, I had enough clarity to do a pre-qualification to see what my improved circumstance would allow me to get. Specifically, I new what I could get in terms of amount and rate of financing on a car. I also researched price. So, I came into the dealership knowing about what to offer and about what to expect in terms of financing. I did the usual haggling on price, took a test drive with the salesperson in back--which I found annoying, but not disqualifying. Anyway, so I got to a price I could live with on the car. So, now it was time to determine financing. So, I get two hits to my credit report while waiting to be brought back to finance the car. So, I know the finance guy has run it for at least a couple financiers. So, he comes out and says "good news, we got financing". I'm thinking 'and what else is new', but held my thought in check. So, he brings me back and tells me that he ran my credit report twice so not to ding my credit scores too much. Fine so far. So, we start chitchatting a little back and forth and I mention that I'm feeling rough and I'm still recovering from a concussion and I'm glad to get this out of the way. BIG MISTAKE. Fiance guy proceeds to do the fast-talking "extra warranty packages" presentation. You know the hard sell. Now bear in mind I'm recovering from a concussion and he knows it as I told him. So, he then doesn't mention the interest rate and says which one--warranty package--you want. I'm wearing down as I still am injured and just want this over. But, I had the presence of mind, even with a concussion, to remember what type of financing I prequalified for. So, I look at the rate he chose and observe that it is with FMC (Ford Motor Credit) and it is higher than the range of rates I prequalifed for. So, I'm getting agitated about said, my prequalification rates were all lower and you said you ran it for another financier. Well, what do you know, magically out of nowhere another chart appears with the 1.5% lower rate. So, I'm thinking so you were just going to stick me with the higher rate if I didn't have the presence of mind to realize you were screwing me so you'd get a nice kickback? I was irritated, but accepted as reasonable the new rate and he continued the hard sell. He continued this even after I mentioned to him I was getting tired and not feeling well because of my concussion. Over the next week as my concussion clears up, I proceeded to drop the extra warranty packages that I wouldn't have selected if I was on my game.. However, this was not before the same finance guy tries to shame me into keeping them. So, I left a bad review on the dealer's Facebook site. The customer service guy who responded wrote something to the effect of "Thank you Rich, for sharing your experience with us. We value your feedback and appreciate your business. Please know that we are working as a team to improve and we apologize for upsetting you. A great customer experience is our top priority." I'm thinking, you apologize for upsetting me? What kind of mumble jumble is that? So, I wrote back, "I'd prefer if you apologized for the finance guy's behavior, not for the fact that I was upset. Me being upset isn't the issue, it is the way I was treated. I hate when people say things like I'm sorry "for offending you" as if the 'sin' was being offended and not what was done to you that would have offended you." So, this interaction gets me to thinking about a blog post and viola this blog post idea occurred. How do people say I'm sorry without meaning it or actually admitting much if any liability? Before I conclude with my list, I appreciate that much of the time the people who are doing the 'apology' are effectively doing the bidding for higher ups and often times have little freedom to deviate from a script. Anyway, without further ado: SAYING SORRY WITHOUT MEANING IT OR OWNING LIABILITY
INSULT SORRY
I'm sorry that you feel that way - This sorry means that even after you've laid out a legitimate case for why the other party is wrong, it is still 'your feeling' and not an actual offense that is the problem. To me this is them saying, "It is you not understanding us that is the problem and perhaps maybe we didn't represent ourselves or convey our position well enough." It is often effectively a dismissal and delegitimization of your position by making it about "your feelings" and not your valid points.
FAKE OWNERSHIP OF PROBLEM SORRY
I'm sorry if we offended you - The authors of this beauty are not taking ownership of a problem AND they are not even acknowledging that you are offended (or have a right to be), much less that you have a valid point. It pretends to sound like they are owning up to something, without actually owning up to something.
FAKE EMPATHY SORRY
I understand where you are coming from - Depending on the circumstance this can really be condescending. Sometimes this is a legitimate apology or empathy, but often times it is just words they are suppose to say. If said without any support, it can just words to try to sound like they care, but not really 'caring' as a business. This is especially insulting if there is no way they could personally understand and just are trying to humor you without taking an concrete steps to show contrition.
I got rid of my Cobalt and a couple weeks afterwords, I got notice from GM of a long overdue recall notice. My car was powering down partially while I was driving. All indications was that they knew about this problem for years and the fix was relatively minor, but they were trying to avoid having to admit to this fault with the vehicle as it was widespread and could cost millions to replace. GM rep says to me, I understand where you are coming from. I said, "Did you drive an unsafe vehicle from GM what would partially power down and which air bags were apt not to deploy properly because of it"? She said "no" and I said, "Well you don't understand then that your company knowingly put me and my daughter in danger". Suffice to say I was ticked off.
POOR US SORRY
It was beyond our control or "we didn't anticipate" - Sometimes, it really is beyond their control such as weather related delays. However, often times it is a lack of planning or lack of effective research or understanding of customer demand. This is actually an apology, but an apology with an excuse. That is to say, "we are sorry, but..."
Now the last "Sorry" in the list I believe comes closest to the mark of sincerity or legitimacy. However, the real proof of sincerity or legitimacy of an apology comes later. That is to say, when they've made an effort to either make you whole again or at least not repeat the same problems that put them in a position to have to 'apologize' in the first place. QT gas stations are one of the best I've seen at this. For instance, there has been a few times they had a promotion going on with one of their kitchen products. Anytime they don't supply properly for it and cannot deliver the product, they've tried to get me the closest alternative to it at the promotional price. On top of that, each time that's happened, they've given me a coupon for a free cold or hot beverage from their fountain area. Now to me that says they really value me. Not only do they apologize for their failure in stocking the promotion effectively, they get as close as possible to duplicating the desired product and then on top of that give away something of value to note the inconvenience. That's the type of less I could not teach any better to my daughter for when you fail someone else. I believe that is the perfect way to end this post.
I'm sure this is a common feeling, especially among people as their years start to add up. But, sometimes I feel like life's a movie. Yes, I know I've heard "Life's a Dance", but with all due respect to John Michael Montgomery, I'm right, not him. But, I digress. Life's a movie that we are releasing scene by scene. As we live out our life, the 'audience'--which includes us--is seeing that section of the movie for the first time. Our memories and reflections effectively are scenes from previous parts of the movie. We may be able to somewhat anticipate the next set of scenes in the movie just like we can plan and anticipate our future. However, just as in a movie, life is full of unanticipated plot twists and unexpected turns. Just like the protagonist in a movie, we are usually able to overcome or face the plot twists and turns. However, just like sometimes protagonists in a movie don't always survive the plot twist and turns, sometimes we are not able to effectively overcome the blows life deals.
But just like a movie that is playing out at the theaters
We usually do not get to redo or 'correct' a scene that we don't like in the movie.
Rarely is the movie paused to allow us to fully digest the portions of it which have passed.
If we are distracted or have to take a "break", we risk missing important parts of the movie and ruining the experience.
If we focus too much on thinking about or discussing the scenes that have passed, we risk missing important parts of the movie and ruining the experience.
It's not that we can't consider life as it goes along or reflect upon certain points in it as we continue to move forward. We can think about the past, we can reflect upon it and we can perhaps wish to experience certain "scenes" over again or to change certain them. However, life doesn't usually afford us the opportunity to stay parked in the past without the risk of ruining or missing the future. If we stay stuck and/or descend into a spiral downwards in our lives, we risk life's reel getting stuck and damaging the 'movie'. In the worst case scenario, we risk life's reel getting completely destroyed or rendered unusable. Sometimes if we don't like the 'scenes' that have played out so far or are not liking the direction it is taking, we may actually try to sabotage or destroy the movie, just like we try to do so in our life.
So, what do we do?
If we don't like the direction the movie is taking, we consider the possibility of an alternative story-line for the rest of the movie, rather than just going along a predictable story-line.
If we do like the story-line, we must understand that the story-line may look predictable, but be aware that it can change and not always by our choice. In other words, we must be prepared to accept that the story-line may go in a different direction and adjust accordingly.
We must realize that no matter how far along we are in the movie, as long as the reel hasn't run its course, we still have time to change the remaining frames or scenes in the movie. In other words, as long as there are still frames to show, we can change the ending.
We must accept that the movie WILL end sometime, but be focused on making the best movie experience possible and not necessary the longest one.
We must be aware that our movie may spawn sequels or reboots. i.e., progeny, proteges or followers. Therefore, in the interest of quality sequels or reboots, we should make the best 'original' movie possible.
A good movie like a good life, has the following elements: - Moments of joy - Moments of sadness - Moments of somber reflection - Moments of laughter - A purpose and theme, hopefully a positive one.
- Lessons to be learned and passed on. Though the opening scenes in life's movie may not be what we would have for, but we have some influence over the ending credits. So take the time and appreciate life's movie, but be aware that even if the movie doesn't start out well that if we put on the best movie possible, the ending credits will speak for themselves.
To any of my faithful readers who've ever been accused of being a controlling person or a control freak, don't worry. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, you aren't truly in control anyways. So, the claims of others to that effect, don't fully matter anyway. In a way, you are being accused of trying to do something you probably don't or wouldn't succeed at anyway. I firmly believe that control is largely an illusion and that to the extent we have control, it is short term and passing. On January 5th of this year (2017), I was once again reminded of just how illusory control can be. On January 4th, I was thinking about getting another year or so out of my 2006 Ford Focus before I would buy a new car. By shortly before 8am on January 5th, I was staring at the reality that I would need to buy a new car imminently. Another driver's failure to control her car, led to the destruction of my car, something whose timing I couldn't have predicted. That being said, just because we don't always have control over life's events doesn't mean that we should just throw up our hands and 'cast our fate to the wind'. Rather it means we should factor in some uncertainty and keep in mind that despite our best plans, we have to be flexible enough to adjust them if the need arises. But I digress. Regarding relationships, in order for control to be seriously attempted, there has to be someone who could feasibly be controlled. That is to say, there has to be someone who is tends to be controlling and someone who tends to 'fall prey' to a controlling person. I am going to ponder the delusions, illusions and mindset which I believe controlling people and 'controlled' people to be be under. CONTROLLING PEOPLE
Often they live fear-based.
It may be cliche to say controlling people are often driven by fear, but many cliches are true.
The fear may take a number of shapes.
Fear of humiliation. Obviously, you inherently have control over your own behavior as you have free will and can make choices. However, those that you perceive that represent you--employees, children, spouse, family--are external to you and they have free will also. So, as the thinking of a 'control-freak' goes, I will be judged based on those around me, therefore, I must do everything I can to pressure them into conforming to my standards of acceptable behavior.
Fear of making a costly mistake/missing a deadline/losing it all.
Their fear can cause themselves and/or others around them to be wound too tight.
Their fear can cause themselves and/or others around them to be too conservative or risk-adverse.
Their fear can cause themselves and/or others around them to second guess too much.
Their fear can cause themselves and/or others around them to micromanage.
They can't read the minds of others, so they can't 'take a chance' of failure. This is especially true when if the other(s) have EVER 'failed'. Even if they risk failure when in control, they have more 'certainty' as to success.
Often they live all about them or narcissist-based.
A controlling person I believe tends analyzes everyone and everything as to how it affects them. How does it make me look or feel? How does it help, hurt or inconvenience me?
They do not want to deal with the feeling of uncertainty that giving up control seems to unleash in them.
They often seem to need to positive validation tied to success at whatever situation they are 'taking-charge' at. That is to say they seek situations to run or control (and therefore people) so they can get the praise associated with 'success' at them.
Instead of quietly seeking to do the right things, they seek to the opportunity to make sure others see it.
It can be a symptom of an underlying low self-esteem.
Instead of being comfortable in their own skin, they require more and more confirmation of their goodness or worth.
Often they are 'groomed' to be controlling.
They have either seen or felt the affects of when one isn't in 'control'. They don't want to feel that.
They have often been 'taught' or learned from influential people in their lives that they can't count on others and that they have to be in charge.
Often they have rationalized their controlling nature.
MARTYR complex - Thinking they are just doing "the Lord's work", even when they have pushed others out of the opportunity to help.
SOLOMON complex -Thinking they are just doing what is best for all parties. Justifying their behavior based on what they deem to be best for all, rather than asking or accepting the input of others.
HERO complex - Thinking or worrying that without them, things may not go off right. That is to say, the situation "requires" them.
CONTROLLED PEOPLE
They often live fear-based
They worry about being rejected totally.
Thinking if they stand up for themselves, the other may dump, fire or similarly completely reject them.
Thinking perhaps that they do not deserve better and/or cannot find better.
They worry about being partially rejected.
Thinking if they stand up for themselves, the other may withhold positive attention and/or ridicule them.
Once again thinking they don't deserve and/or cannot find better.
They mistake keeping the controlling person happy as being 'accepted' by them. In reality, such a mindset can often lead to rejection by the controllers as they don't respect them anyway.
They are often what I call "negative narcissist".
Think they can't do it right anyway.
Think they deserve what they get.
Think they can't please the other(s) anyway.
They are often 'groomed' to be controlled.
They have had their voice shut down at some point by a controlling person, often a parent, from an early age.
They have been often told or implied that they are not capable aka are a failure.
Too ignorant
Too clumsy
Too weak
Not as good
Too much of a risk
Too mistake prone
While sometimes they may lack initiative and seem to 'crave' being controlled, often it may just be that they are just beaten down by being shut down and/or being implied that they are a failure.
They often rationalize their controlled nature.
PEACEMAKER complex - They are the peacemaker and/or don't want to make waves stir up trouble or make life more difficult for anyone.
HELPFUL complex - They want to be seen as being helpful and not argumentative.
EMPATHETIC complex - I should be more understanding of the other, given their situation (tremendous workload/responsibility they have, victim of abuse, etc.)
You can be understanding without allowing yourself to be walked all over.
You have to remember that often times you didn't cause that situation or problem for them (or at least were not fully responsible), so while it is okay to empathize, it is not okay to let it be a tool to control you.
This is not meant as a comprehensive study or take on controlling people (and controlled people), but really a discussion piece on what I see in these people/situations. As they say, "You Mileage May Vary" (YMMV).
The world is full of leaders and followers. Inherently, neither role is necessarily a bad thing. Being a leader doesn't inherently mean one is a 'controlling' person no more than being a follower inherently means one is a 'controlled' person. It is often times the mindset behind why they are taking that role and how they are treating others.
LEADERS/FOLLOWERS:
The best leader leads because he or she wants the best for those whom they lead, not to satisfy a craving for power/validation. That is to say they lead not because they wish to control others, but rather they see a need that they can help with and it concerns them enough to 'take charge'.
The best followers follow as they realize they want to help, but realize that 'too many cooks spoil the broth'. They are content helping behind the scenes and not getting 'leadership' credit. They may share the vision of the leaders and realize that they can help out with the vision. That is to say, they follow not out of a need to be validated (by the leader) or out of a sense that they don't deserve better or even out of a fear that they can't lead. Instead, they understand that being a follower is a role.
Leaders can be followers at times and followers can be leaders at times. It really depends on the needs of the situation and the strengths of the parties involved.
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My takeaway on this subject is to recognize your role, why you are in your role, recognize your need to be respected, but also to respect others. We have to understand that we can't control everyone and everything nor should we want to. Life is full of uncertainty. We can't live with complete uncertainty, but we also can't expect to live no uncertainty. While it is important in many cases to minimize uncertainty, it cannot be at all costs. We cannot control others for our own selfish needs, nor can we allow ourselves to be controlled for our own selfish needs either. We have to respect that each of us has a role. We have a time and place to lead and a time and place to follow. We have a voice to be heard and we have voice to be silent and to hear others. Based on our gifts, the types of roles and the size of our voices may be different, but we should not let it devolve into a controlling situation.
While respecting our own needs, we need to be able to take ourselves out of the picture and let our role come naturally rather than be forced. I believe God will, if we listen, direct us to our roles making it not so much of a matter of control, but rather doing or being open to the right thing.
Just some thoughts. I've hope you've gotten a little out of this posting.
When the surreal becomes real, when the warm traditions of the past are declared old news, when the memories of our childhood are wiped out or built over in favor of maximizing legal tender, it feels like we've 'paved paradise & put up a parking lot'. In other words, we've pushed away the good in pursuit of the 'better', when often the better is not necessarily so. But, as we know change is often inevitable and doesn't necessarily have to be or be thought of as bad. As Carly Simon sings in Coming Around Again, "I know nothin' stays the same, But if you're willin' to play the game, It's comin' around again". That is to say sometimes the old has to pass for the new 'good' to have space to take its place. Which in a way is an appropriate thought considering the day I'm writing this (Good Friday 2017). Good Friday represents the Father--by way of Jesus--giving us an opportunity to shed our old sinful nature and take on a new more Godly (Christlike) nature. But I digress. We as a society (and world) are constantly changing, we are constantly adjusting. Some it is good, some of it is bad. But I believe we have this annoying habit of over correcting. That is to say, making up for mistakes (or problems) by going to far in the opposite direction.
We go from an unkept, undeveloped area to an overdeveloped, overpopulated area.
We go from isolationist to foreign entanglement, back to isolation, then foreign entanglement.
We go from being emotionally detached as parents ("Father Knows Best") to trying to be friends with our kids ("Gilmore Girls").
We go from treating those with behavior/mental issues being portrayed as "oddballs" or "crazy" to diagnosing every every other person (or kid) with a 'issue' of some sort.
We go from treating obvious bullying as "boys/kids" being "boys/kids" to treating any level of conflict as a 'horrendous'.
In short, we have this habit of overlooking or zooming past a happy medium on the way to 'correcting'. It's like we start to skid one way and jerk the wheel the other way thinking that we will get straightened out, when instead we are more likely to crash in the opposite direction of the original skid. So, this leads me to a what I see as a derivative of the Serenity Prayer. I'll call it the "Prayer of Wisdom for Society". God grant us the wisdom to push for change that is needed, but not too far; to recognize when change isn't needed or desirable and the ability to accept that we don't always have control over it. Realizing the old should not be rejected simply because it is old, nor should the new be embraced simply because it is new. But evaluating everything on its merits and looking to our You, our Higher Power, for guidance. Breaking it down
To push for change that is needed, but not too far
Speech is an example.
We recognize speech that openly and purposefully encourages others to violence and/or explicitly threatens others, especially 'innocents'. We push for condemnation of it, denial of a forum for it and in the most extreme cases take legal action against it.
However, speech that speaks out against another's beliefs, another's lifestyle or similar or could simply just offend someone is protected speech. Certainly we have a right to free speech and can condemn what we see as unfair or rude. However, when we start denying others a right to speak (especially under threat of legal action) because we don't like what they are saying, we are edging towards fascism.
Development of a beautiful vacation areas is an example.
Say we have a nice coastal area that is underdeveloped. That is to say it is say it could use some revenue/development to make it a viable vacation spot.
If we go too far in development of it we risk destroying its ecosystem and/or the essence of it in pursuit of the almighty dollar.
To recognize when change isn't needed or desirable.
A widely recognized instance of this truth being ignored occurred when The Coca-Cola Company in April 1985 decided to change discontinue the recipe of their signature product (Coca-Cola) in favor of a new recipe for it. A public backlash pushed them to go back to return to the old formula by July of the same year.
The original recipe was still widely popular and the public had great nostalgia for the name (and recipe).
As Pepsi Max has shown, you can successfully make a formula variant of the original brand and still retain the old brand, rather than just replacing the original brand formula altogether.
And the ability to accept that we don't always have control over it.
Sometimes circumstances force change on us. For example, as the population of a city (or an area) grows, so grows the need for new housing and roads, making it harder to hold onto green space around town. We may be sentimental about the quaint smaller town we grew up in, but as the population grows we often have to face the reality that in time we will have to deal with less open space, more traffic and more pollution. All the sentimentality in the world will not change the reality of the needs on the ground.
Realizing the old should not be rejected simply because it is old,nor should the new be embraced simply because it is new. But evaluating everything on its merits and looking to our You, our Higher Power, for guidance.
Sometimes we get caught up in new--diet, style, car, music, idea--because it appeals to our sense of different, creative, fun, entitlement.
What we fail to realize that is sometimes the old is either better or it functions quite well relative to our needs.
For example, we may want more updated computers in our department, but the cost benefit of getting them vs. using the old ones for another year or two might not add up, especially when the old ones suit our needs quite admirably.
For example, society may push a new diet fad that is unproven (and possibly unhealthy) because the old diet seems stale. Given time and results, we might find the old diet is actually much healthier or safer.
History is littered with 'revolutionaries' who pushed an idealistic message or system. Yet when their message or system is put into practice, the people suffer--think Communism or Nazism.
If we are guided by our better self and our Higher Power, we usually realize whether we should stay with the old or go to the new.
-- I'm going to close this post with a personal aside. When I was growing up 7-Eleven was the 'it' spot. They had slurpees, they had video games, gum, candy, and little knick-knacks that a kid might want. In short, it was a happy place we usually walked up to. I don't think kids walk up to the store so much anymore, QT has largely eclipsed 7-Eleven and arcade games are not founds so much in stores anymore. However, my daughter loves the heck out of QT. They have a kitchen with the foods a kid could enjoy, they have a candy and knick-knack area and they have a beverage area that is second to none. She'll never have the joy of running up to 7-Eleven to play games and getting treats. But, she will always remember the 'new' hangout in our area. Population needs changed the dynamics of the area, but the change wasn't totally for the bad. A happy place from your childhood is still a happy place.
Don't it always seem to go / That you don't know what you've got til its gone / They paved paradise / And put up a parking lot…
