We'll Get Together Then: Uncertain, Intending To or Humoring Others?

It's a bit of a running joke with my circle that I say "We'll get together then" when I mean we will talk or hang out in the not too distant future.  As you might figure, it's from "Cats In The Cradle" by Harry Chapin.  I only say that to those whom I want to keep in touch and/or hang out with.  I could just say, "we'll be in touch" or "we'll have to get together", but then that wouldn't be ironic would it?

In a prior blog called "Art of the Apology: Saying sorry without meaning it.", I touched upon the concept of humoring others with your words rather than being sincere.  In that case, it was about how and when people say "I'm sorry" when they don't really mean it.  I wrote it after I'd had enough of  'corporate' apologies.

When we make such open-ended pronouncements such as:

• We need to get together.
• We'll be in touch.
• Let's do lunch sometime.
• We'll have to keep in touch.
• Let's plan on getting together.
• Let's pick up this conversation at a later point.

or some other variant, I think three--not necessarily--mutually exclusive scenarios or 'reads' are playing out.  They are as follow:

1. We likely will, but we have to figure when out when the schedule permits.
2. We intend to, but life can get in the way.  We may or may not, but it is our intention to anyway.
3. We know it is unlikely (and perhaps even undesired), but we don't want to be rude and just flat out blow each other off.

The thing that makes human interaction so complex--sometimes fascinating and sometimes frustrating--is trying to gauge our audience and what they expect or need.  Does our audience need brutal honesty or do they need hope when there is at best uncertainty?  The wrong read (and accompanying verbalization) can be the difference between keeping a loved one close and alienating them.  So, let's explore the three scenarios or reads:

WE LIKELY WILL, BUT 

• We make open-ended pronouncements that mean this when:
• When the other person(s) are VERY important to us.
• We like the other person(s), but we cannot commit to anything at the particular moment.
• We have to check or schedule or consider our availability.
• We definitely want and fully intend to.
• We are asking the other part(y/ies) to hold a 'place' for us in their life. It can be asking a lot.
• If we really mean this by the pronouncement:
• We need to follow-up in short order afterwards, later that day or within a few days for example. Otherwise, the other party might think we we just being polite, but really have no interest in them.
• We need to make time for the other person(s) even if our schedule is tight.  Effectively, we have made a quasi-commitment or promise to them.  If we want to be thought of as a person of our word, we need to make sure we fit them in.
• When we do find the time, we should ask them if they are still up for whatever we 'promised'.  If not, we should give them good reason and give them courtesy of explaining what's blocking us and that we are still committed to getting together (if we still are).
• If the other part(y/ies) think we mean this when we don't:
• This could lead to hard feelings.
• This could diminish the value of our word (which may or may not be important depending on our audience).
• This could lead to an uncomfortable tension or awkwardness if feelings were involved on the part of one (or all) parties.

WE INTENT TO

• We make open-ended pronouncements that mean this when:
• We like the other person(s), but aren't really sure when or if we can commit to getting together or back with them at the time we say it.
• Our schedule is very full and we aren't sure how we can find time for them.  We wish to send a message that any failing is a problem with our schedule and has nothing to do with them.
• We'd like for the other part(y/ies) to hold a place in their life for us, but we don't want them to stop their life for us.
• If we really mean this by the pronouncement:
• We need to go through the effort of seeing if we can fit the other part(y/ies) in and not just leave them hanging.
• We should get back with the other person(s) as soon as we have a better idea.
• If we do find the time, we should ask them if they are still up for what we 'suggested'.  If not, and if they are important, we should let them know that we are keeping them in mind and will follow-up as soon as we can.
• If the other part(y/ies):
• Think we are just being polite, when we do follow-up, this can pleasantly surprise them (or throw them off if they were just being polite).
• Think that we meant "we likely will", this could cause a problem if they were expecting our company and we cannot find time. It could cause hard feelings.

WE KNOW IT IS UNLIKELY OR UNDESIRED

• We make an open-ended pronouncement that mean this when:
• There isn't much left to say with the other person and we realize this.  They may be nice, but there is a friendship/dating incompatibility that we recognize. This is particularly effective when it is clear the other party is also feels that way.
• We really feel seriously uncomfortable with the other person(s) and we don't want to reject them abruptly leaving an awkward silence and/or hurt.  This is particularly effective when it is clear the other party feels that way also.
• We know there is no possible way for us to every make or keep a commitment to the other person(s)
• We don't want the other party to hold a 'place' for us, though if misread, it might appear that we are asking just that.
• If we really mean this by the pronouncement:
• We should avoid leading the other part(y/ies) on.
• We should just let the communication 'die' naturally if possible.
• We should drop any hope or expectations as it relates to the other part(y/ies).  It is unfair and unrealistic not when we blow another off to expect anything of them.
• We should be prepared for other part(y/ies) to feel rejected. 
• If the other part(y/ies):
• Don't seem to get this, we need to find a way to more firmly but politely let them know that there is no there there with them.  In this case, delaying the inevitable could make things more awkward when we eventually do push them away.
• See things the way we do, we have done each other a huge favor, by politely stepping away from them.

I left this specifically vague because not all open-ended pronouncements are spoken when a 'relationship' is in play.  Sometimes, we make these pronouncements with acquaintances, sometimes we make them with family and sometimes we make them with friends.  The important thing is to know your audience and be prepared when you make an open-ended pronouncement that it likely that you will have to follow-up on it, extend it or giving details or clarification on it.  If we read the audience correctly, this can be a smooth process.  If we read them wrong however, then we could leave some serious hurt and have serious resentment awaiting us.

I bid you a fond farewell from this post, but just remember, 'we'll get together then'.  You know we'll have a good time then.  ;-)

-- Rich

Wisdom to Know...

I believe in life, we hear sayings and understand them on some level, but don't necessarily deeply or totally appreciate them for awhile if ever.  Once such such saying for me is the Serenity Prayer.  I suspect anyone who has been going to church for a long time, been involved in a support/recovery group and/or is a person of faith has heard of the first part of it:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference.

Not everyone however is familiar with the second part of it:

Living one day at a time; 

enjoying one moment at a time; 

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will; 

that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

forever in the next. 

Amen.

Anyway, I've heard it many times and maybe I have really 'gotten it' before, but haven't expressed it clearly as I will no. Below, I'm going to focus on the first part of that prayer as I understand it.


Serenity

• Calmness of mind.
• Untroubled of heart.
• Doesn't mean no fear or disquiet, but it means they don't rule you.

Accepting the things I cannot change

• To me this usually means tabling my expectations of others people or circumstances.  
• Expectations might be quite understandable such as wanting a healthy relationship with you child, your siblings, your parents, etc.  It doesn't matter, the expectations have to be let go if unrealistic.
• Expectations might appear to be within reach but if you were honest, would see that they aren't.  It doesn't matter how in reach they appear to be, if they aren't, it's time to let the expectation go.
• Expectations that we will be understood.  If we are fortunate, we will have that friend and/or lover that pretty well understands us.  Life is so complex as is human interaction there is no feasible way to expect anyone other than our Higher Power to totally 'get us'. It doesn't matter how much we want it, it's time to understand that we will never be fully understood by anyone except our HP.  In short, time to let that expectation go.
• To me, this means actually accepting what I can't change, rather than just saying or trying to convince myself that I have 'accepted' it. 
• To me this requires an understanding of what accepting is.
• Recognizing the validity/reality of what is to be accepted.
• Consenting to the reality of what is to be accepted.
• Words and actions showing that acceptance.
• Your focus is not on the person/situation.
• Any thoughts about the person/situation may pop up, but do not linger.
• You can have feelings about the person/situation, but you just can't live in them.
• To me this requires an understanding of what not accepting looks like.
• Saying you've accepted something, but your words give lie to that supposed acceptance. 
• For example, you say your over someone, yet every chance you get you badmouth the other party.
• Saying you've accepted something, but your actions give lie to that supposed acceptance.  
• For example, you say your over someone, yet when you think no one is watching, you stalk them on social media or elsewhere.
• A tendency to be triggered about the circumstance that needs to be accepted, even if it infrequent.

Courage to change the things I can

• To me that means recognizing any blocks in the way of making the change.
• All the courage in the world cannot help if you haven't identified the blocks in the way of change.
• This may require prayer, meditation, counseling or other means to draw out the nature of the blocks.
• To me that means being able to push through those blocks.
• This means a willingness to face any blocks or demons that are in the way.
• This can mean asking others, including your HP for help, strength or support in facing the blocks.
• This doesn't necessarily mean waiting until the fear subsides (it may never).
• It means walking through the fear.
• It means talking through the fear.
• It means focusing what is on the other side of the wall rather than the difficulty in climbing the wall.

Wisdom to know the difference

• Sometimes we know when what we can change and what we can't--and for that matter should and shouldn't--but need to be honest with ourselves.  Wisdom starts with a willingness to be honest with ourselves.
• Sometimes we don't know the difference and need to ask our HP, meditate, ask for advice, etc. for help in discerning.  In other words, we have to be open to our HP and the resources he places in our path.
• Gaining wisdom in life isn't a one-time event, but a life long process.  Gaining wisdom over a specific circumstance or situation likewise may occur over over time rather than all at once, though we might have a crystallizing moment.

For me the path to serenity is a long and continuing one.  I still have a long way to go, but I'm still on the journey and am willing to be on that journey for the rest of my life.  Perhaps one of the biggest blocks is wisdom (or willingness) to know the difference, hence the blog title.  Anyway, while I would love utopia, I know I'll never have it in this life, so I work to rest my hope in my HP that He will grant me the first part of the prayer while I keep in mind the second.

I hope you'll take what you can and are able to use out of this blog and add whatever need as in life, "your mileage may very".  Have a blessed day.

- Rich

Healthy Escapes and Believers of Daydreams

I was listening to The Monkees - Daydream Believer and found it terribly bittersweet.  Sad really.  Music, like life today seems to be complex and often distressing.  It often has an attitude or carries an intense message.  Now, I like many other people appreciate the expression of ideas or thoughts, even ones that aren't comfortable, in the form of music.  But, sometimes I think we live in a world of too much intensity.  It's almost as if we are addicted to intensity in all forms:

• The 24/7 news cycle.
• Negativity is hard to avoid.
• Negativity is repeated and reinforced.
• Having grown-up ideas/concepts/'decisions' forced upon us at an early age.
• Inappropriate commercials.
• Pressed to take sides in adult cultural issues at an early age.
• Images and sounds of rioting, violence, hate, and terrorism.
• Broken families are common place.
• Widespread availability of narcotics and other illicit drugs even to kids.
• Widespread availability of 'screen' in every form (TV, iPod, cell phones, tablets, laptops, desktops)

Now we've gone through turbulent and divided times before, but it never has life been thrown at us--especially kids--so early, rapidly, repeatedly and recklessly.  It's no wonder kids are growing up into adults addicted to screen, drinking, drugs, porn and the list goes on.  That being said, I'll take the devil's advocate position for a moment before I engage the main subject.

--

Growing up, my dad would drive us to wherever and I paid only scant attention to the route or the way to get there.  In other words, since I wasn't responsible for getting us there, I didn't care so much.  As an adult, I pay a lot of attention to the routes as I am forced to.   Likewise, perhaps things have always been this turbulent and I was a bit more detached from it as a kid as I largely didn't have adult responsibilities to deal with it--that is until I was around 15, when my parents divorced, but I digress.  In other words, maybe it life seems more complex or intense because when I am more aware and attuned to it as an adult.

--

In a world so complex, constant and in our face, what can we use to pull back from the intensity and not give into it and all the addictions and hangups it spawns?

• Exercise and play.  
• This can benefit our health if not taken to an extreme.
• This can benefit us psychologically if not taken to an extreme.
• Reading
• This can help us to slow down.  
• Instead of bouncing from site to site or from game to game on screen, it can help to focus and quiet our mind.
• Retreats
• Camping--church, family or group.
• Sweat Lodge
• Personal growth/interest conferences.
• Local park
• Man-cave/she-shed or whatever your space around the house is called.
• Helping others
• Assisting with elderly.
• Assisting with kids.
• Assisting with the poor.
• Relax
• Slowing down the sound and listening to soothing music.
• When overwhelmed, take a power nap.

These are just a few ideas of healthy escapes.  Maybe I am right?  Maybe the days of daydream believing are long gone?  That being said, if we can find healthy escapes and slow down the pace and intensity, we may not find the nirvana of daydreaming, but we may be able do defuse the intensity and struggle of everyday life a bit.

Just some thoughts.

Rich

"Let me explain", says the codependent.

Reagan said, "If you explaining, you are losing". I know some people may not agree with this blog post and think I'm being too critical, but this is how I see the world.  Anyway, I don't know if it is confidence with age, dealing with a lot of adversity or sometimes physically 'feeling my age', but over time I've realized that I don't have to always explain myself or elaborate.  When I was younger I used to focus too much on explaining where I was coming from to others.  Sometimes it was making sure they understood the point I was trying to make, but other times I realize--in hindsight--that it was justifying my point of view, my perspective or my actions.  As I've gotten older, had a kid, observed others, reflected on my own actions and had others point it out, I've come to realize that I don't need to that anymore.

Before I continue with this line of thought however, I want to share a funny but sad anecdote on this matter.  One time I was at Walgreen's and I asked the clerk if she had a particular item in stock.  After looking a little, she said to me, "I'm sorry it looks like we are out".  Having the dry sense of humor I do, I said to her, "Why do you hate me?".  Obviously, I was implying that it was her fault that I didn't get what I needed and/or that she didn't care.  In short, I was being slightly difficult for humor purposes.  So, she proceeded to explain that she didn't hate me but that the store just doesn't have any of the item in stock.  Of course, I explained to her, that I was kidding.  I think most people in that situation would have recognized my facetiousness.  However, she didn't and instead personalize my comment as something it wasn't: a situation in which she needed to justify herself.  It was a bit of an eye-opener about the extremes of  'needing' to explaining oneself.  Clearly she cared too much about my opinion to note that I was being facetious.

Anyway, like I said, I realize that in life's journey that there are times in which one can over-explain.  I've touched on why I think people do that, but I will expand upon it, the consequences of it and how it can and should be handled differently.  In other words, ironically, I will explain about people over-explaining.  😉


Why (we over-explain)

• We don't think another is following what we are saying.
• This can be a lack of confidence as to how well we express ourselves.
• This can be a condescending attitude towards our audience.
• We feel a need to justify or get our perspective validated.
• This can be a defensive pose.
• This could be a please indicate I'm smart or praise me pose.
• We lack substance in what we are saying and try to substitute "more words" for "more substance".

What (are the possible consequences)

• We can expose ourselves.
• A obvious lack of confidence can cause people to cringe, avoid us or be driven away.
• When in a 'fight', debate or other type of competition, this can give the other side an edge If they know that you are constrained by concern for what they think, they can use that to their advantage.
• As lacking substance or knowledge.  
• We can antagonize others.
• People can sense when they are being 'over-explained'  to, especially it is a function of  speaker not having confidence of his/her audience ability to follow.
• This causes either push-back or resentment.

How (can we handle it differently)

• We can give others the opportunity to connect the dots rather than us fully connecting the dots for them.
• This can avoid them feeling that we are speaking down to them.
• This can give them an opportunity to stretch their mind in some cases.
• If we make it clear that it is safe to ask questions, they can ask us questions if they still don't understand fully.
• We can remind ourselves that even if we aren't expressing ourselves as well as perhaps we should, that our audience will let us know if they don't understand.  
• We may find that we have communicated our point effectively despite worrying about it.
• If our audience is fair-minded, they will give us the opportunity to clarify when necessary.
• We can say just as much as we need to (and not more)
• This can avoid leaving the impression to others that we are seeking their approval (and strengthen our hand when dealing with kids or other adults.
• Often times and audience will tune out if we say too much, but if we say just enough, they can seek out more from us.  This is especially true in dating where saying less can draw the other person who is interested out towards us.
• It is best to explain what you know and avoid risking sounding foolish trying to explain what you don't

There are times in which it is important to explain ourselves thoroughly such as surgeon explaining precisely what he needs to his surgery team during an operation OR a math teacher going through all the steps when teaching a brand-new concept.  However, I believe that in many cases, people over-explain themselves to point of detriment to a potential love interest, their children, their family, their adversaries, potential supporters, etc for reasons specified above.  I believe that it all can be best summed up in this saying:

A man of many words is a man of few thoughts. A man of many thoughts is a man of few words.

Shame: A place we visit, but an unhealthy place to live.

I was talking to a friend recently who was discussing a personal struggle.  Now, the friend didn't let the struggle get the better of him at that time, but it was close.  So, it occurred to me, the situation was like running on a sidewalk and nearly falling on your face, but putting down your hand to break the fall before your head hit the pavement.  Sure, your hand got roughed up a little and needs some first aid, but you could have very easily fallen on your head and ended up in the ER.

The point was not to minimize to the issue, struggle or near failure, but was to let him know that it could have been much worse and not to dwell on or beat himself up over it.  That is instead appreciate that his Higher Power kept him safe and out of trouble.  In the meantime, he could take the near failure as a warning sign and wake-up call to work on his struggles.

I think, as a people it is easy to operate in black and white thinking.  That is, either to blow failures (or near failures) completely out of proportion OR alternatively blow them off.  I believe God gave us a conscience to be aware of our imperfections and need for Him rather than to be used as a weapon to inflict harm upon ourselves or as a speed-bump to be ignored.

I guess I'd characterize legitimate shame that comes with a healthy conscience as a check and reminder for us to be mindful of our spiritual role in family, society and the world at large, but not as a sledgehammer to destroy ourselves.

To summarize, my take on what my Higher Power (God) has revealed to me and reminded me in this story:

1. Lean on Him, His wisdom and not my own understanding, I should not take it for granted that I have all the answers or strength.  This includes leaning on Him after I make a mistake. 
2. I am human and therefore I am bound to struggle from time to time and make mistakes.  Not to condone mistakes, intentional or not, but instead to realize that I am a work in progress.
3. When I barely avoid a bad choice, mistake or screw-up: I shouldn't pat myself on the back for my ingenuity or 'success', but I shouldn't totally destroy myself either.  I should take it as a learning opportunity and be grateful that my Higher Power was looking out for me.
4. When I make a bad choice, mistake or screw-up:  I should make amends where necessary and possible and reflect on it with contrition.  I should also seek what led to it and use whatever shame I feel from it not to paralyze me, but to motivate me to do whatever I need to avoid the mistake again and/or to make it right where possible.

Anyway, just my thoughts for the day.  As always, it is sometimes easier to give advice than to follow it, but at least putting it down gives me to opportunity to reflect on it myself.

Yours Truly,

Rich

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; (Proverbs 3:5)

Nothing to Sneeze At: Different definitions of success

History is littered with what we now consider odd symbols of wealth or success.  Being fat used to be a sign of being wealthy especially in accent times, where plentiful or readily available food wasn't always guaranteed.  The ability to sneeze upon demand oddly was one too.  Sneezing was thought to be a way of clearing one's mind.  Those with idle time and/or the money to afford snuff--which could induce sneezing--were typically aristocrats.  Interestingly enough, sneezing in conversation was typically considered a sign of disapproval.  Hence, "not to be sneezed at", indicated that something was worthwhile.  Anyway, when we think about the phrase, "nothing to sneeze at", we think of an amount of money that is significant.  But really you could apply that phrase to any measure of success.

When we measure success, we most often think of how much monetary advantage someone has gained.  However, as we know that is but one measure of success in a person's life.  From my perspective, there are many measures of success and not all traditional.  By it's nature, traditional implies long established or understood.  So, let's start with the more readily thought of measures.

MORE TRADITIONAL MEASURES OF SUCCESS

• Wealth
• A person who has a lot of money, especially if they've largely earned it themselves is typically considered successful.   Gaining or accumulating a small fortune is not an easy task for most, so society looks upon it as a sign of accomplishment.
• A person is considered 'successful' if they can provide a comfortable (aka free of money concerns) for themselves and family.   Being able to provide that in death is also a sign of success. 

• Power
• Being able to shape events and shape the world around you is another common sign of success, especially considering those with money can more easily buy influence.
• Power, often, but not always, comes in conjunction with having 'made money' or the ability to do so.
• I believe in society we tend to admire those who are able to exert control over as many of us feel like we are powerless in the worlds.  Typically those who are able to do so have a better chance of making sure they and their friends are 'taken care of' and we hope that they can take care of us (those whom they lead or 'rule' over).

• Awards or Achievements
• Not everyone can be the best or win at something.  We tend to recognize achievements, especially those that are rare and/or above and beyond the norm as indicators of success.
• In the NBA for example, there is only one person who is considered the most valuable to their team per year.  So, to get that award really speaks volumes about your success, especially where it relates to helping your team.
• The Noble Peace Prize likewise is award to person or group every year.  So, if you are nominated and win it, it typically speaks volumes about how people value your efforts towards advancing peace.
• Typically, but not always, an award or achievement is forever.  Therefore, not only will you be recognized at the time it is given, but you will go down in the 'history books' when you achieve or are recognize for greatness.

• Fame
• Typically, but not always comes with wealth.
• Often is associated with some degree of influence or power.
• Tends to come with, but not always, awards or accomplishments.
• Is a sign of 'relevance'.  
• While it is probable that being rich will tend to make one more memorable, it isn't a guarantee thereof.  While wealth my guarantee some publicity in one's own life or the life of one's own life, it is no guarantee that generations hence that you'll be remembered or even thought of.
• Once we get past survival thoughts, I believe there is a spiritual yearning in many if not most people to feel like they matter.  

• Successful influence.
• Even if we don't 'succeed' according to the world's other measures of success, we may be considered successful if our children that we've raised have achieved one or more of the previous measures.
• We ourselves can gain some measure of pride if we can claim that we helped our children (or players or students/spouse) to succeed.  

LESS TRADITIONAL MEASURES OF SUCCESS

• Sacrifice
• This may seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes success is sacrifice, especially if that sacrifice was not in vein such as in examples below:
• A soldier who dies in the service of his/her country, can through his/her efforts be part of a larger success in military victory and/or keeping us safe.
• A fireman who dies in the line of duty--such as on 9/11--while leading other to safety has succeeded in making the world (or his/her part of it) a better place.
• A police officer who dies in the line of duty, but helped keep his/her town safe by protecting the citizenry in the process.
• Sacrifice can mean giving up of our hard earned time or treasure to help others succeed.  If we by our sacrifice help others to succeed, then we have achieved a level of success ourselves.  Successfully passing it on.

• Survival
• This can take many forms some include:
• Literal physical survival such as in a battle (such as in war or a personal fight like cancer). 
• When pinned being enemy lines, being able to make it out alive can be success (a miracle)
• When you are deemed to be terminal and given only a short time to live, beating the odds can be a huge success story.
• When you have a hard-core addiction, especially one that could be life-threatening, it may not seem like much, but success can be as simple as making it alive and sober another day.
• Keeping a roof and food over your head in a bad economic downturn.  When you don't know how you'll make it, being able to look back and say, "somehow I made" it is a sign of success at navigating the storm.
• Emotionally surviving after an attack or repeated abuse.  Sometimes having the strength to endure and to recover without getting destroyed or destroying yourself is a miracle.
• Spiritually surviving trying circumstances (such as loss of job, family members or home).  Keeping the faith despite the world around you seeming to collapse is not something everyone does.
• People who haven't been through the rough times, cannot always appreciate that success in life can be as simple as surviving.
• Survival can be a success on the way to other successes (thriving). 

• Simple Completion
• In some ways this can be considered a success or a point just past survival.
• Some challenges are so great that we don't have to be the best to be considered a winner or success.  Examples are as follows:
• Finishing last place in a marathon is in itself a success.  Many people either don't finish or never have tried in the first place
• A baseball player who makes it to the major leagues for a short stint, never to taste that success again can be considered a success.  Especially if/considering:
• That player was not considered to have the talent level to make it.
• For all those who have played the game, it is a rare class of people that even touch that level of success, even for a moment or brief stint.

• Serenity or Spiritual Peace
• We may not have the recognition, the worldly 'successes', the praise, the glory or even the simple notes of appreciation, but there is something to be said for being at peace with your Higher Power.
• Many people live their whole life, never having achieved any level of serenity or spiritual peace, so achieving it is achieving a success that no other worldly success can match.
• Serenity or Spiritual Peace can help us whether storms or lack of 'successes' in other areas of our lives.
• The importance of it best captured by this verse: "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? (Mark 8:36)

• Successfully Leading/Supporting 
• Our children, students or players may never achieve pinnacles of the traditional measures of success, but that's okay.  Not everyone can be the richest, most famous, most accomplished or powerful.
• Our spouse may never be achieve the pinnacle of success, but if we have supported him or her and encouraged him or her to be the best they can be, that is a measure of success.
• In a world in which many people crash and burn and fail, leading those under us to well-adjusted lives is in itself "nothing to sneeze at".  We can't guarantee them 'worldly success', but we can give them the tools to be well-adjusted. 

In this world, we are often pushed by those close to us to succeed according to worldly standards. We are pushed by who are well meaning and by those who live vicariously through us.  While it can be a good thing to strive towards the traditional or worldly measures of success, it is important to never forget the more basic and less traditional measures, thereof.  Doing so, I believe can help us to be more grounded and can keep us from getting discouraged when we aren't succeeding as well as we'd like by the traditional measures.  But, I believe in all our successes we should remember the following:

1. Never forget those who helped us along the way (especially and including our Higher Power).
2. It is okay to have some pride in our successful efforts, but it is important not to be too prideful.
3. Worldly 'success' can be fleeting, so appreciate it while it is there, but always be aware of the the less traditional measures of success which tend to be longer lasting if not eternal.
4. The measure of who we are is we do with what we have.  (Vince Lombardi)  We are not guaranteed worldly success by any measure, but I believe we are guaranteed being considered a success by our Higher Power if we do the best with what we are given.

Thanks for reading,

Rich

Getting your Moby: Strategies for Success

A good friend of mine recently went whale watching around the tip of Cape Cod.  I asked him if he brought the tarter sauce along with him.  He just kind of laughed and I asked him if he got his Moby on.  He laughed again unaware of what I meant.  Unbeknownst to him--that is until he reads this--his story reminded me of a time back in high school when I was a cross country and track athlete.

Anyone who has competitively raced knows that success at it is largely mental.  Of course, you have to have decent God-given talent, but you have to have determination and drive too, especially to push when you don't feel it.  Competitive racing and training is such a grind that it is easy to dwell on the negative such and pain and discomfort.  When you are tired, hurting and/or just having a not feeling it day, it can be easy to just want to throw in the towel.  Anyway, my track coach was big on the power of positive thinking.  He would usually have us get comfortable, lie down on a table or carpet and close our eyes.  He would throw then on a tape. We would listen to motivational speakers such as Zig Ziglar.  Anyway, one particular tape comes to mind.  In the tape, the speaker implored us to expect success.  He spoke about bringing tarter sauce with us in the pursuit of Moby Dick.  His point was not that you'll end up dying in pursuit of your goal--though for a few that might be a reality--but rather to expect success.  That is to say, be so tuned in or focused and confident about succeeding that we don't give the negative thoughts any space in our mind.  In other words, EXPECT success, not just hope for it.  (Of course, as teenagers we thought the tape was hilarious, but it's over 30 years later and I still think upon or remember it.  So, clearly its message was not lost.

So, it occurred to me that Moby Dick represents our goal(s).   Not easy to achieve goals, but goals which take time and focus and which can be elusive.  I touched upon this in an earlier blog, so some of this is a repeat, but I'd thought I'd expound a little.


We have choices in life as to how to live:

1. Do nothing and failure is very likely to come.
2. Make a minimal effort by "Going through the motions" to try to fool yourself or others into thinking you've tried.
3. Push hard and hope to succeed.
4. When your body and soul are screaming out, "I can't take it anymore.", push a bit further and further.

Your likely success for each choice in the same order will be:

1. Probable failure
2. Marginal success
3. Taste some success.
4. Live with numerous successes.

No one ever said success would be easy.  It may seem like it is impossible at times.  But, how can you succeed at those points.  In my own life I've found the following strategies tend to work.

• Break the big goals into smaller, easier to conceive, easier to achieve goals.
• If I am pushing a hard 20 laps around the track, I don't focus on all 20 at once, I focus on achieving portions of the 20.
• While completing the first lap, tell myself, I'm almost at 5% done.
• While completing the second lap, tell myself I'm almost at 10% done.
• ...
• While completing the tenth lap, tell myself, I've almost got the majority of my run out of the way.
• ...
• As I am wrapping up my last lap, tell myself, I just need to push a little longer.
• I now have completed the 20 laps.
• If I am working on a project at work, I focus on getting smaller units of the project working.
• Design
• Create
• Test
• Implement
• Repeat the cycle for each element of the project.  Pretty soon I'll have all elements of the project done.
• Having smaller successes keeps morale up, keeps the forward momentum and most importantly increases confidence.  Successes build on each other.

• Realize that failure is part of the path to success and work not to take it personally.
• Even within failure there can be some success
• Sometimes 'failures' result in getting closer to your ultimate goal.
• You miss making the team this spring, but you've shown enough get on the team's radar--being a possible next call-up.
• You miss being named the starter, but you shown enough that you are second on the depth chart vs. third last year (in short closer to starting).
• In 'failing' you can learn lessons that can lead to ultimate success.
• Thomas Edison had hundreds of failed attempts at the light bulb.  With each failed attempt, he eliminated options that had failed.
• Eventually, he found a combination of material and design that worked for him.
• An easy early 'success' can lead to a false confidence or taking it for granted.
• Initial failures can teach persistence.  That is, it can ingrain the need to stay at it when success is elusive.
• Having to really work to achieve success, can make success sweeter vs. having a 'cheap' victory.
• Use failures or setbacks as a motivating tool to try harder.  When you lose a job, lose a promotion or have another setback, mourn it where necessary, but turn around and vow to work that much harder to avoid a similar setback again.

• Focusing on what you can do, not what you can't.
• That means don't get stuck on your 'failures' or weaknesses, but instead focus on your strengths.  
• Focusing too much on weaknesses or failures can be mentally or emotionally disabling, such as a relief pitcher that cannot get past a blown save or two and loses his nerve.
• Focusing on strengths can help you build confidence for when you have to face the tougher situations again.
• That doesn't necessarily mean ignoring weaknesses, but instead not letting them overtake you.
• If you have a weakness, own it rather than letting it own you.  Don't live in shame of a weakness, but instead live in awareness.
• Instead of letting it overtake you, use it as a motivator.  Realize that it is something that you can and will always work to get better at.
• As a kid and young adult, I focused on the fact that I wasn't particularly handy around the house or with cars. 
• I should have spent more time focusing on what I was good at.  I have always been very technically literate and good thinker and now writer.
• Over time some of the problem solving/critical thinking skills used in dealing with technical issues, I could learn to channel into everyday handyman type issues.  That is, I might never be an expert electrician, carpenter or the like, but that doesn't mean I couldn't learn anything.

• Surround yourself with positive people and doers.
• It is human nature to want to fit in.  If you are with positive people and doers, you will tend to strive to emulate them.  In other words, you'll tend to actively emulate success.
• Positive people and doers will rub off on you.  Without even knowing it, you can pick up positive traits, helpful hints and just positive thinking.  In other words, absorbing the positive energy and steps necessary to be positive and successful.

• Keep or limit the negative people and circumstances in your life and find a way to bleed out or channel the negative where necessary.
• Negative people or circumstances can be very draining.  They can actually feed negative energy in your life.  Nobody needs that.
• Unwittingly in a desire to fit in, you may start to dwell too much in the negative along with negative people.
• This doesn't necessarily mean ignoring, disowning or acting like you are above them, but instead understanding that you cannot live in their negative. Therefore, limit exposure to them where necessary or possible and recognize their toxicity in either case.
• Understand we live in an imperfect world and not every day or every situation will be 'peaches and cream'.  Sometimes we can't totally wish away or ignore the negative.
• Do not live it, but instead acknowledge and surrender it.
• Do not live it, but instead properly deal with or mourn the negative where necessary.

I'm sure many people have their own route to success.  These are just some techniques and observations I've used in achieving the successes I've had in my own life.  As always, I recognize that I don't have all the answers and others may have their own strategies or paths to success.  So, like I do, take what you find useful or helpful from my words.

Thanks,
Rich

If you like this blog, you will like: 
Baseball and life: The winner mindset, a tribute to the upcoming season 
and
The Fine Line: Failure takes no effort, success takes a lot of work