Shutting off the drama: Backing away from conflict and reorienting.

The holidays--and maybe just other times for no specific occasion--can be good for getting reacquainted with family and friends.  If we live out of town, we might choose to fly or drive in and see family and friends we haven't in a while.   If we live in town, we might make it a point to get together with those whom we haven't seen in a while to celebrate OR we might entertain family and/or friends who fly into town to see us.   Most of the time that is good thing.  Family and friends are the ones that be supportive of us, that can re-energize us just by virtue of their presence.    However, at times the hope we have the supportive or re-energizing can instead feel like burdensome or draining.  It doesn't necessarily have to be an open conflict, just personality differences can be enough.

I have written about this general topic matter in at least two posts.

• Boxing others into our expectations.   This is where I discussed the concept of how we expect certain people to fit roles in our life: Close friend, close sibling, supportive parent, our co-parent, etc.  In a way, in our mind we 'box' them into the expectation of what role we feel they should play.  We then base our interaction with them on our expectations of their role.  This can lead to frustration. The whole idea is that instead of getting frustrated that they aren't meeting our expectations, it is good to pause, reassess them and the situation and adjust our expectations and interactions with them in a way that better reflects reality.  In other words reorient ourselves relative to them to a place that is healthy for us.  In other words, we don't have to necessarily remove them from our lives, but we may limit what we share with them, for example.
• Dealing with others: People will get along with you IF they want to.  This is where I discuss the idea that while you can help facilitate positive interactions with others, it is ultimately up to others to decide if they want to get along with you.  If they really want to get along with you, they will tend to look for opportunities to do so (and overlook things they don't necessarily 'love' about you).  If they don't want to get along, they will look for reasons or excuses for not liking or getting along with you.  Basically, don't take it personal or try to force it.

We might realize people aren't fitting into our expectations of them. We might be getting frustrated and have to reorient ourselves and how we interact or deal with them Or in some cases how we don't.  However, from what I've observed (and experienced myself), that usually is a process that can take time, a willingness to see and accept a reality we don't like, and in some cases being deliberate.

Time

• When we are close to a situation, it can be very easy to see what we want.  In other words, a confirmation bias.  Sometimes, it just takes time to see a pattern of interaction over a extended time before we accept it.  If it is a parent for example, they may not be accepting of our choice in a spouse.  We may overlook comments that would point to that reality and instead glom onto any comment or indication that we think points otherwise.  Like a parent might show interest in our spouse, but might be doing it out of courtesy rather than acceptance. It might take time be able to see past what we want to see.
• Sometimes a realization might be so profound that it take a while to process it.  That could take to form of being huge and/or emotionally demanding.  For example, take the case of a parent whose health is failing.  We might have been close to that parent and that closeness is no longer there.  We may need for our sick mom to be the warm, compassionate person she's always been and counted on.  However, she might be in a different place, focusing her energies on coming to terms with failing health.   It may take us a while to realize the extent of her failing health and effectively disentangle ourselves of the level of dependence we've had on her.

Acceptance

• No matter how much want, hope for or expected a different type of relationship than what is, it may not ever happen. People have room to grown and there are things you can do to encourage a closer relationship to a sibling, child, friend, or whomever.   However, at the end of the day, you cannot force someone to be different than who they are or what they are capable of.   At some point, instead of conflicting with them on whom you hope or expected them to be for you, it is just time to accept the type of relationship that both of you are capable of.  That maybe bittersweet, but as a brother once said, "A half of loaf of better than no bread".  Just make sure you can accept and have the ingredients that you can afford for half a loaf.
• We have to be willing to see a relationship for what it is (and isn't).  I always wanted a close relationship with my dad, but it never really developed.  I think he wanted to be decent father that could be emotionally open, but he didn't really have a good example to emulate as he was bounced around in the foster system. Also, he struggled with his own issues, including alcoholism.  He did the best that he could given the example(s) he had to follow and had his moments.  I saw and accepted that he couldn't be this close parent that I could confide my insecurities and flaws to.  I saw that we could get along and I could help him out and vice versa.  Though disappointed, that was something I could work with as I was willing to be realistic.

Deliberateness

• When we are reorienting our expectations and perspective it is easy to fall back into old patterns.  If we are the one pushing a friendship or relationship we may wonder if the other party is really invested in it or not.  If we are finding ourselves conflicting with a family member, we may want to have a better relationship, but we just wanting it and interacting with them as we always have just lead more frustration.  Sometimes, no matter bothered by backing off from them for a while, we may need to do that and let the situation sort it out.  This can and often should be quietly stepping back.  In other words, letting the situation organically reveal itself as to how to proceed.   They may surprise us after this time and find that they want a closer/better relationship.  However, we may find that the relationship that was to be just needed some space to develop.
• When we are reorienting our expectations and perspective, it is easy to hang onto the frustration/disappointment.  If we are committed to reorienting our relationships with and expectations of another to a more healthy place, we have to get rid of or re-channel the frustration.  We have to remind ourselves that even though we 'signed up' for a different type relationship with another, that they may not have 'signed up' for the same.  We may have thought that a friend we hang out and do things with would be a good person to personally confide in on a situation.  Over time we may come to realize he or she is not the right person to confide in or relate to on it.  Our friend just not be capable of being there for us in the way we hoped, but we didn't realize it initially.  That's not specifically the friend's fault, it is just a limitation.  We have to deliberately remind ourselves of this realization or understanding until we have reoriented our friendship to a healthier place.

  

When our expectations of others don't meet reality, there is a good chance we will conflict and there will be drama.  Sometimes we just have to step away for a bit. limit our interaction with them until our expectations come into line with the reality of the relationship, and adjust what we what we feel we can offer if necessary.  Everyone wants close family and friends.  Most people don't want conflict or drama, but sometimes it happens despite our best intentions.  Sometimes we just have to step back and 'shut off the drama' for a while until everyone is in a better place and move forward from there.  That maybe an unsatisfying reality, but we know as adults that we may not always get what we want, but that as the Rolling Stones wrote, "but if you try sometime, you might get what you need.".

Just may thoughts for the day and a follow-up to another couple posts.

Piece out.

- Rich

#MeAsWell, Part 2 - Trauma: The Wild West of Emotions

Paraphrasing what a counselor once said to me: Trauma doesn't necessarily occur when the incident or event happen, it is when you become aware of or start processing it.  His point was that someone can have a traumatizing experience, but the trauma or the impact isn't necessarily immediate.  What follows includes a deeply personal story and if you aren't ready for that, I don't blame you for stopping here. Anyway, I think for a CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) survivor, trauma occurs when he or she realizes how wrong and how violated they were.  CSA can occur when an adult or much older kid wins the trust of a young child and groom them in the process, eventually leading to SA.


A groomer can

• Being a 'good listener' aka 'being there'.
• Showing 'empathy'.
• Be seemingly nice and generous.

This gives the CSA survivor trust in their predator who might then

• Rubbing on a back
• Patting a leg
• Putting hand(s) on shoulder(s) 
• Intense tickling 

As trust is won and the survivor gets used to the 'warm' physical touch, a predator may

• Show too much affection such as forced kissing
• Touch/fondle in inappropriate places
• Engage in sexual abuse at varying levels.

Unfortunately, this wasn't just a theory for me.  In my blog post, #MeAsWell: For What It's Worth, I go into my own experiences with CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) at the hands of at least two males, one of whom was a church camp counselor. I didn't immediately recognize what was happening even when the groomer(s) took it to from a little inappropriate to an unquestionable violation of my person.  As puberty was descending on me it all started to dawn on me.  I had been sexually abused and the ignorance of my youngest years about what was happening gave way over time to many emotions/cognitions:

• Confusion: Why did I allow it to happen?  Why did I tolerate it? Did I 'secretly like it'?  I've over time come to the understanding that I didn't:
• Ask for it.  It was forced upon me.  Not always necessarily physically, but often after by what I realize now emotional blackmail.
• Appreciate what was happening.  I was nowhere near puberty when it started. So, I realize that (and this disgusts me saying this) any positive feelings from the grooming and inappropriate touch early on were mistaken feelings of acceptance.  That is, if he is comfortable 'touching'*** me and being this close then that must me I be likable.  Little kids value and crave acceptance and I was no different.  Clearly my young child psyche was telling me I wasn't getting appropriate type and level of acceptance where I needed it.  Therefore, when a predator threw 'acceptance' at me, disguised as 'caring', I was unfortunately taken in by it.  Mistaking inappropriate attention for acceptance.
• Feelings of Weakness/Shame/How could I have let it happen?  Unfortunately, 20/20 hindsight can be brutal
• As a teenager and beyond I thought to myself how could I let myself be violated like that, especially by other guys.
• Why didn't I stand up for myself and how the hell could I not have realized it was wrong.  In other words, deep shame.
• Anger
• How dare someone use me like that, looking out for themselves. (I believe this is one reason I despise idiot drivers who risk my safety for their own impatience).
• That someone was able to turn my vulnerability on me and take advantage of me.
• That I wasn't protected by those who were supposed to be my guardians.
• Deep distrust
• Those who purported to have cared about me, really didn't and they were looking out for their own 'fulfillment' (at my expense).  One was in a position of 'religious' leader.
• It's a pretty easy step step to default distrust of intentions (even subconsciously) if those who were supposed to 'care' about you proved to have deeply selfish, sick and harmful motives.
• Those who were supposed to be keeping me safe, let me down. So, I have to look out for myself.
• I realize to some degree now, the world was a more trusting world back then.  Priest/teacher/Hollywood producer/etc. type scandals were not in the news. 
• Things like this weren't spoken of.  So, parents I think in some ways were 'groomed' to not be able to appreciate and handle these type situations.
• If there is already dysfunction in the house, it can be distracting from a primary purpose of parents to keep the household (including kids) safe.
• Disgust
• I am disgusted by some behaviors now that I might have just overlooked.  Obviously, seeing a grown-up be 'too friendly' with a kid is one of them.
• In some ways, I am deeply put off by arrogant behavior.  I'm almost in a way disgusted by their behavior.
• I have struggled at times in my life being comfortable around older men, especially if I sense anything 'off' about them.
• Anxiety 
• I'm not going to delve into this one.  I think this one is obvious and it is really in some ways an extension/logical conclusion of all the other feelings/cognitions.
• Powerlessness
• I was pressured, bullied, cajoled, and even though I didn't necessarily always realize it at the time, threatened in other's pursuit of their unhealthy/wrong satisfaction/needs.
• I've heard from other CSA and/or SA survivors that their feelings of powerlessness can get in the way of intimacy.  In other words, if you felt powerless in an area which you should have felt safe--your personhood--that it is hard to give up control or power in that area.  In other words, that's an area which we'd tend to default to trying to 'get back' control.  
• Seeking control can take the form of 'frigidness'.  This means, I won't allow you or anyone into my intimate space.
• Seeking control can take the form of promiscuity.  This means, I am taking back control or at leverage of my intimacy for my advantage as opposed to that of others.

*** I mean more than touch but you know, not an easy thing to share with the world.

In this blog post, I am focusing on CSA because that's the one I'm most personally familiar with (being a survivor of it).  However, I'm aware that other traumas can cause a wide range of emotions.  The murder/death of someone close or the sudden and acute health problems are just a couple.  

I refer this this as "The Wild West of Emotions" as we think of the Wild West as being:

• Tending to be intense
• Often unpredictable in timing and intensity
• Raw, especially emotionally.
• Untamed

I think my own personal list demonstrates this.  I'm sure many others who have experienced significant traumas can relate.  To whomever reads this, I hope you gain a little insight or unfortunately if necessary can relate.  In any case, as always feel free to take what you can use from my post.

Thanks,

Rich

* A personal note.  I think my late brother was a CSA survivor.  Unfortunately, I believe effects of this haunted him in some ways for the rest of his life and help lead to his early passing.  RIP Bill.

First World Level vs. Third World Level: An Alternative View of Traumas

Recently, my old cell phone effectively stopped working.  I immediately looked for and bought a new one, but I was without a working cell phone for the better part of four days.   For most adults and many young people in our society, a cell phone is a virtual 'necessity'.   We've structured our lives around having a portable phone that acts as a tablet, camera, teller, map, etc.  It was an inconvenience of course, but I tried to keep things in perspective.   That is to say, me being without a cell phone for a few days is literally nothing compared to the daily struggle to get the basics and in some cases survive that some have in the third world.  In other words, my problem was a "first world problem".  In the third world, many have little but the clothes on their back and a struggle to have enough food.  So, the idea of being inconvenienced by being without a working cell phone for a short period of time doesn't register as a 'problem'.  Literally, a cell phone is a beyond a luxury for them.  To me, it is a problem as I've structured my life around having one.  To someone who worries literally where their next meal will come, being without a cellphone wouldn't even register.

I've been around people who have had or dealt with kids with severe behavioral issues.  It's seems more often than not there is/are underlying trauma(s) associated with them: child abuse/child sexual abuse, alcoholism/domestic violence, loss of a parent, and so forth.  Obviously, these kids are at risk already.  Then there are some people seem to live a charmed life.  They are raised in an intact nurturing family where their family is not shattered by early deaths.  They seem to do well in school, they have a good job and the 'American' dream.  In short, apparently 'trauma-free'.   As I've gotten older, I've realized that even people who appear to have the 'perfect family' growing up and a good life have will eventually face real traumas, but I digress.

Back to the point at hand. What is a trauma?  According to the the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition.  Tramua is:

• noun Serious injury to the body, as from physical violence or an accident.
• noun Severe emotional or mental distress caused by an experience.
• noun An experience that causes severe anxiety or emotional distress, such as rape or combat.
• noun An event or situation that causes great disruption or suffering.

In other words, it can result from something as basic as a friend turning on you or as complex as years of physical and sexual abuse.  It can be caused by a one-time acute event such as rape or a bad car accident or it can be caused by years of gaslighting.  In the worst situations, all of the above type causes could have contributed to it.  In other words, there is no simple one-sized fits all circumstances definition of it and cause of trauma.

Throughout my life, I've heard people discuss their traumas or that of those around them.  It reminds me sometimes of the "when I was growing up" discussion a bit.  In other words, a bit of a pissing contest as it were.  This takes me to the concept of first world vs. third world problems.   People who grow up in a third world society would probably be grateful for some of the conveniences we have such as running water, a good sewer system, reliable power, plentiful food, reliable transportation.  Yet, in the society in which I live, people can feel put out if we have to pour money into repairs on our autos, if we are stuck in traffic for an extended period of time, if our electricity is out for a number of hours, if we are without our cell phones for a few days, etc.  I've always understood this to be first world problems vs. third world problems.  In other words, more existential or severe than annoyances.  Yet at the same time, the 'first world problems' are real and can cause hardships.

Back to the point at hand, people in their lives have trauma's.  They can break a bone, can have a friendship end suddenly, can fail a course or at worst can have an elderly relative pass away.   Those things matter and should not be dismissed or minimized to nothing.  However, these are 'typical' traumas that everyone has to face anywhere in the world.  They all matter and they all wound us at least a little, but just like a first world problems are an inconvenience, "first world traumas" are less likely to cause long-term physical and/or psychological damage.  In other words, these type issues aren't as likely to be long term disabling ('existential') traumas. In short, these are traumas of lesser magnitude.

A young kid can have a parent die abruptly or see a parent repeatedly subjected to domestic violence, a women (or man) can be subjected to a brutal physical or sexual attack or long term sexual trauma, a person can get permanently injured or disfigured in an accident.or something of this magnitude.  I call those 'third world level' traumas.  These are traumas of serious magnitude.  Just like 'third world problems' tend to be existential problems, 'third world level' traumas are traumas that are likely to cause significant long-term physical and/or psychological damage.  That is to say, these are traumas of a greater magnitude and sometimes existential.

When we discuss 'first world', we think of less harsh than 'third world'.  I felt by comparing traumas like this, it could help give some perspective.


I guess my overall point is this:

• All traumas, big or small, are worthy of attention, whether it be to the friendly ear of a favorite parent/sibling/friend, whether it be in the office of a grief or trauma counselor or somewhere in between.  God hears all prayers, big or small.  If He can do so, perhaps we can offer the same to those around us.
• Some traumas while hurtful are relatively 'easy' to recover from.  In a number of weeks you can fix a broken bone.   This to me is an example of 'first world' level or magnitude trauma, for example.
• Some traumas are so profound that they defy easy recovery.  A soldier subjected to life and death surrounding him, especially for an extended him may not just be easily able to come home and resume his/her 'normal life'.  A kid subjected to physical or sexual abuse may take year to unwind and process it all.  This to me is a 'third world' or extreme level or magnitude trauma.
• We need to understand and appreciate the traumas people have had to face, but keep them in perspective.  That's to say not dismiss what we consider small traumas, but realize that not all should be dealt with the same amount of care.

We can measure problems in our life by comparing them to those who are less fortunate in many places.  This doesn't discount our problems, but it can give us some perspective.  Comparing will not make our problems go away, it can allow us to appreciate that while things are rough, they could be much worse.  Similarly, I believe we can measure traumas in our life by comparing to others who have gone through worse.   Comparing will not make our 'lesser' traumas insignificant, but it can allow us some perspective to realize that they aren't the end of the world, just maybe a bit rough.

Just some thoughts going into the New Year.

Happy New Year 2020

- Rich

Trusting His Plan: Thoughts on God and Why Bad Things Happen.

It's nearly Christmastime again maybe appropriately, I watched a movie which made me consider my faith a little bit differently.  It did not really change the core of my faith at all.  However, it gave me/reminded me an answer to the question that I've thought and I've heard many express:



How could a loving God allow bad things to happen?

I believe this can be a tough question for even the most devout people of faith.  Never-mind, those who are highly skeptical of Christianity, Catholicism and the like. God rest his soul, my Dad always would say, if there was really a God...and spout out a grievances in his life.  I would like to think he came to terms with God as his life was winding down, but that's beyond my control at this point. In a way, this is an example of  having to "Trust His Plan".   Anyway, I've heard other people along the way say show similar skepticism.  Either they questions whether God exists--how could there be a God..., questioned His nature or just outright question if He really takes a personal interest in His creation.  I am a man of faith, but even I've had my moments with this very question.

The movie I watched was called The Imitation Game.  To those unfamiliar with the plot, it was based on a true story of Alan Turing and his team's successful efforts to decipher Nazi messages encoded and sent by machines known as Enigma machines.  That is to say, break the code and be able to follow messages revealing information such as German troop and ship locations and movements.  Taking Turing's lead, they eventually were able to build a machine which could quickly decipher Enigma messages.  Given that the settings of the Enigma machines were changed daily, being able to decipher quickly was of paramount important.

Eventually, they were able to 'break the code' as it were.  That is, they were able to decipher the Enigma messages quickly before Enigma setting were changed daily.  In a scene that no doubt took liberties on historical facts, as soon as Turing's machine broke the code for the first time, it revealed the location of the German U-boats.  They were heading for a convey of ships meant to delivery supplies to the British.  One of Turing's team members had a brother in that convoy and he would likely be killed if the Germans U-boats were allowed to proceed unimpeded.  However, as Turing indicated, if the allies suddenly changed course and destroyed the German boats, it would be obvious to the Germans that their Enigma machine was compromised.  They'd then make adjustments which would effectively render the allies efforts ineffective.  Therefore, it was clear then that they could not and should not act on all the messages they'd deciphered.  They statistically determined  how much of the intelligence gleaned from Enigma that they could act upon without giving it away that they broke the code.  Also, they needed to make sure they'd be able to 'leak' a plausible cover story for how they got that intelligence that they acted on.

Given that they couldn't act upon all the information they had, it meant that some people that they could have saved would be allowed to die.  If the public had found out about they were not acting on all the intelligence they had, but didn't know the underlying reason, to them it would have seemed cruel and cold-hearted.  They would ask, how could a responsible government let citizens and allies perish if they had good intelligence on upcoming German attacks.  Effectively, the limited number of people who knew the 'The Plan', would appreciate why they didn't act on all the intelligence they had.  I suspect that even for some of those people, they probably cringed at how cruel it seemed.

--

My 'weak' understanding of "why bad things happen to good people' such as health issues and tragedies that befall them and sometimes their nations aren't necessarily a result of what they'd all had done or done recently.  Instead, some of it may have been a generational sin.  For example, in our own nation, we've come a long way towards recognizing the equality of people. Discrimination such as with Jim Crowe laws is not legally condoned anymore.  Yet we still have problems in this nation to this day.  My thought was that while I did not participate in the sin of slavery or Jim Crowe, problems and residual distrust that result from the sins of many generations, unfortunately do not just disappear overnight.  In other words, while I might have not participated in the sin, I can't escape the results of it. While I think this answer is sound, I don't necessarily think it can adequately cover 'why bad things happen to good people'.


I remembered in Biblical days, it was common to blame illnesses and problems on the sins of the family.  In John 9:2, Jesus' disciples took their understanding to Him:

John 9:2
His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

Jesus knew that that was their understanding was flawed and said in John 9:3.  He knew that he man was 'allowed' to be born blind for a purpose:

 John 9:3

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

The Imitation Game and Biblical stories like above really helped me to put it together I think.  In the case above, God's plan was that through the man's blindness, Jesus' healing power could be revealed.  I am not aware of this man's family and their faith, but I can imagine they might have to lean on 'Trusting His Plan" for why their son was born blind.   Similarly, in the movie, the populace had to 'Trust the Plan" for how their nation(s) fought WWII.  In other words, have a strong level of faith that leadership knew what they were doing, even when it might not always appear so.  Leadership could not always reveal the insight they had and why they made the choices they did.  Similarly, as in the movie and the Biblical story, God is aware that He should not reveal everything. It doesn't mean that God is cruel, that He doesn't care, or that He is okay when bad things happen.  On the contrary, by sending His Son to die for our sins, He showed how profoundly He cares for us.  What it may mean though is that there is a reason that we are not aware of why He allows bad things to happen.  In the The Imitation Game, the public was necessarily not aware of horrible choices that had to made to help shortened the war.  As indicated earlier, there was a reason for that.   Perhaps, in our own lives when tragedy befalls us or those close to us, God is aware of the big picture and realizes that for whatever reasons--our inability to comprehend, our unwillingness to accept, the need to defeating evil forces. etc--He cannot reveal His Plan for the big picture.

I guess ultimately for a person of faith the answer has to be to accept that:

• God loves us and proved it with Jesus on the cross.
• God hurts with us too.
• Things may seem cruel or unfair, but as the movie and the Bible story illustrated, there really is a reason or "Plan" behind why things happen, even bad things.  It just is not always for us to know His will in our time.

A Life Without Regret Is a Life Not Lived

I was responding to a friend's humorous meme post on Facebook which dealt with the topic of regret.  Namely, it was about how it is funny seeing a friend do something they'll regret later, but encouraging to do so anyway.   My point was that if you were a 'real' friend, you'd be in the trenches with them engaging in the activity that you both would regret.  In the process of discussing it, it occurred to me: a life that is rich (and truly lived) will have regret in it.

Now, I'm not encouraging extreme deviancy or anything like that, but at the same time, some of the most fulfilling times or aspects of our lives involve behaviors, actions and choices (BAC) that could potentially lead to regret.  For most people, responsibility is drilled in our head from an early age:

• Be a good listener
• Obey or mind your parents/elders/teachers
• Drive defensively/responsibly
• Do your homework/put your education first/choose wisely your career.
• Eat your vegetables/lay off of the junk food
• Do unto others/consider the feelings of others
• Spend your money wisely
• Choose your friends wisely
• Drink responsibly
• Wait for the pedestrian crossing light says it is safe walk/walk in the crosswalk.
• Brush your teeth after every meal/floss daily
• Don't talk to strangers
• Don't drink/smoke/do drugs/curse
• Get plenty of sleep
• Obey warning signs

I could go on, but get the idea.  We are taught to do this and that and to not do this or that.  In short, we are taught to be RESPONSIBLE, RESPONSIBLE, RESPONSIBLE.  Usually, the advice given is good advice for living and interacting with others.  However, as I said to my daughter one time when we saw a sign told us not to sit on a wall, "Some rules are meant to be broken".  So, we did so and watched fireworks. In other words, some rules are so overbearing, overprotective, outdated, discredited or just plain ridiculous, that they are just begging to be ignored.   But, I digress.

If we spend our lives always making sure we 'do the right thing', we miss out on:

• Learning from our mistakes
• Doing it better next time (if there is a next time)
• Being better to appreciate the value of good choices.  
• Figuring out our limits/boundaries and when it is okay to push them and when it is good to back off.
• Being able to lighten up laugh at ourselves and have others view us as more approachable. In other words, personality.

--

For me, this whole concept is illustrated beautifully in Tapestry (Star Trek: The Next Generation).  In that episode Captain Picard apparently, had died on the operating table in the present due to injuries to his artificial heart.  A normal heart would have survived the injury, but unfortunately when he was younger he needed an artificial heart.  The character Q, who is a God-like figure, gives Picard a chance to look back on (and apparently have a second chance at the circumstances surrounding the need for an artificial heart and hence avoid dying on the table in the present.

Picard was a rash, impulsive young man when he was in the Starfleet Academy. He lost his original heart when he unadvisedly joined a brawl in support of a friend.  His friend had been cheated in a bar game by a group called Nausicaans and had returned the favor by cheating them.  This enraged the Nausicaans and propelled his friend into a conflict with them.  Picard had joined the ensuing conflict and was stabbed in the heart, nearly dying in the process leading to the need for an artificial heart.

Picard had always regretted his impulsive attitude that led to his near death as a young man. So, when given a chance by Q to see how his life would have turned out had he avoided the nearly fatal conflict he jumped at it.  This time when his friend was confronted, he stepped in and defused the conflict, humiliating his friend in the process.  Fast forward to the alternative present.  Picard, instead of being a captain, was a miserable undistinguished ensign.  Those whom he know as his crew were now over him.  He asked them why he was an ensign and they indicated that it was because he played it safe.  When asked about it Q explained that the incident he regretted gave him a sense of his own mortality.  It also taught him that sometimes the value of life.  In other words, life is too valuable to just to waste it in fear of losing it.  In his alternative present, Picard had not learned that lesson and just like he did in the conflict in the bar--in the alternative past--with the Nausicaans, he avoided risk at all cost, leading to his mediocrity.

Picard now realize the thing that he regretted was the thing that gave him direction, a respect for his boundaries and when to push them and when not to.  In other words, it gives him clarity as to what's important and led him to being respected by others.  In short, he impulsively took a chance that he would regret, but that chance and the consequences of it gave him more clarified his life.  Had he just played it safe in life, he would not have gained that focus and clarity and sense of what's important.  Ultimately, Q gives him the opportunity to replay the fight again one more time.  This time Picard jumps in to defend his friend's honor, getting stabbed in the heart in the process.  He then woke up in the present in sick bay, apparently having come back to life with his artificial heart.

--

I'm not saying it is great to live your life, purposely making terrible choices or taking very dangerous chances.  However, understand that we learn through our 'mistakes'.  They can build us, shape us and give us clarity.  While taking chances and pushing boundaries can put some off some people off, it can also attract others who see us as being fearless or brave and who has a sense of adventure.  IMHO, If we always avoid choices and decisions that we think we might regret, we risk living an unsatisfying mediocre life, like Captain Picard in Tapestry.  In other words, in some ways, it is going through the motions or just being alive.  That's why I say, "A life without regret is not a life lived."

Peace out,
Rich

Rome wasn't built in a day, but it didn't crumble in a day either

I've discussed with my daughter on a few occasions about the importance of taking school seriously and minding adults.  Without going into detail, she has had some members of her extended family have gotten in trouble in their teens and early adulthood.   I say to her, do you think so and so expected when they were your age that one day they'd be where they are or make the choices they did?

I had a friend a few years back whose life became an out of control mess.  She struggled with heroine addiction for years.  Though no one could be sure that heroine was in her system when she died, I believe it ultimately led to her passing.  It had so consumed her life that even when she wasn't high on it, that she struggled to function.  She died late one night in a car accident after recently struggling with it.  Due to the circumstances of the accident there was no way to tell for sure.

She wasn't always a heroine addict.  From what she told me, she was at one point a teen who had body image issues and got hooked on weight loss drugs.  As you might guess there were underlying issues that fed this addictive personality.  In any case, it's likely had one told her in her teens when she started to take weigh loss medicine (drugs), that it could eventually lead to heroine and and early passing, she probably would have looked at them like they were nuts.  However, near the end, she had said that she'd probably die young.

--

The news is replete with stories of people in prison whose delinquency started out small--disrespecting the adults in their life, petty shoplifting,  truancy,  breaking curfew. etc--who eventually were doing serious time for hardcore criminal behavior.   "Scared straight" touches on this. 

I understand "Rome wasn't built in a day" to mean that great things take time build or create.   When I say it [Rome] didn't crumble in day, I refer to our historical understanding that that it decayed over time.  It didn't like a man who died of a single gunshot or a well-placed stab wound, but instead like a man who was weakened, compromised and eventually passed away due to how he treated his body and bad things he partook in and the bad influences he surrounded himself with.

Like the collapse of the Berlin Wall and later the Soviet Union, to some people, the whirlwind of events was shocking, but I think to others, if they were honest, would have seen the signs of collapse forming evidencing over time.   Lives like empires, can complete their collapse abruptly, but the process of crumbling from my experience, knowledge and observations can be a gradual process with most of the steps being fairly small.

Anyway, here are some observations on

Harmful and destructive tendencies or addictions and how they can operate to destroy our lives

• They can lie or deceive you about their impact.
• They appear to be small, but end up being a gateway to worse.   You smoke a cigarette after being peer pressured and it makes you feel relaxed.  Eventually it can take more and more cigarettes to keep you relaxed or even worse, it just doesn't do it anymore and you look for something stronger to help calm your nerves or make you feel better such as marijuana or worse.
• They appear to be small, but continuously 'getting away with' them can give a false sense of being consequence free or invincibility.  This can give 'courage' or illusion that it is okay to take the next step and then next step and then next step.   You steal a candy bar and get away with it, this can give you the confidence to steal progressively more and more expensive items until you get caught stealing an automobile or worse. 
• Consequences of them can build up over time.  Whether it is spending more and more money you don't have gambling and having to borrow more on your way to losing everything, whether it is a build up of liver damage or heart trauma or the like from drugs and alcohol, or some other consequences that seemed manageable or not visible immediately, consequences will build up and eventually become impossible to miss in time.
• Can put you in a progressively more hopeless place. 
• If you blow off school and don't do well, you limit your future earning power and in turn can limit your ability ability to start and/or provide for a family and in turn end up poor, miserable and with a shortened life..
• If you get caught stealing or cheating, you can ruin your reputation and make it harder to succeed honestly as people may limit your ability to earn an honest living.  The extreme version of this is people who end up in prison for felonies, especially involving illegitimately gained income.  When they come out, it is more difficult for them to get a good honest job.  So, there is an incentive to 'earning' money the only way they know how and going back to their life of crime.
• If you alcohol or drugs take hold you may lose employment and/or friends and dive deeper into it/them instead of facing the the pain of that which you already lost.  

Rome, on the surface, was a thriving empire for scores of years after its high point and to an outsider probably looked invincible.  But, as history has taught us, it was decaying on the inside.   There wasn't one step which led to its crumble, but many.  The world of that time couldn't envision the Roman empire collapsing into the dustbin of history.  But just like those whose lives crumble around us, the changes in them can be gradual and hard to envision as fatal.  Yes, when my friend when she first struggled with body image issues, I doubt she envisioned the path that she was on as fatal, but unfortunately it was.

IMHO, that's why it is important to find a way to stress the point to young people that poor choices you make now, may not seem like a big deal, but like the Roman empire, can be a stepping stone towards eventually crumbing of their lives.


 

Freedom: Part 2: Just Another Word For Nothing Left to Lose

I've always appreciated Janis Joplin's music.  She was a troubled, but talented 'child' of the 1960s.  She grew up in Texas, but really never fit there.  In a word, she was a misfit.  Anyway, I have always appreciated the bluesy, "Me and Bobby McGee".   I've written about a bit about the time period between 2011-2012 in my life.  To quote Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."  Anyway, I never fully appreciated what she meant when she sang the verse, "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" in the song until that period in my life.

Growing up, I was the fifth of six children being raised on a postal employee's salary with the family often competing with the bottle for my dad's income.  Anyway, I never had a whole lot growing up and sometimes didn't even have enough clothes.  But I did have a good mind, which helped escape the poverty of childhood.   In any case, I was used to not having much, but what I did have I appreciated.

With my mind and education, I eventually was able to start a solid career in IT.  I was able to buy a new cars, buy a house, get married, have a child, etc.   In other words, the American dream.  I was able to buy luxuries and do things that we didn't have or do during my childhood.  I think part of me for a moment forgot what it was like to go without.  As the title of this blog suggests, this newfound lifestyle did not go on forever uninterrupted. 

My first marriage had some foundation flaws which I really did not fully appreciate until after it was over.  Anyway, starting in 2009, when my mom nearly died, my life as I knew it was, was on a path to forever change.  But, it didn't really start to show cracks until August 2010, when we separated for the first time.  Around this time, the company I'd worked for 10 years was moving its operations halfway across the country.  Given the turmoil at home, staying in town was the better option for me at that point.   By the end of the year 2010, my company officially closed operations in St. Louis, MO leaving me unemployed going into the new year.  That was blow number 1.

My and my ex got back together at the end of 2010 and I got some short-term consulting work, but that was a short reprieve from the storm.  This was true, especially since, my older brother Bill was going through his own turmoil at the time, which I didn't exactly know how to help him with.  He was struggling with demons from his childhood, with employment woes, with no luck in relationships, automobile woes and with depression woes.  Essentially he felt the walls collapsing in around him.  I wrote about him in Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother.  I was fortunate, though mostly unemployed, I had means and I still had the love of my young daughter and faith to hang onto.  He wasn't so much.  Well, as the year went on, it became increasingly clear that the marriage was not built to last and that my brother Bill was in a very bad place.

It was clear around the beginning of July 2011, my marriage would not last.  I was still mostly unemployed and burning through my saving.  Though I was distracted by those troubles, I was still able to notice that my brother wasn't doing well emotionally.  I had started to worry that he wouldn't make it long term.  Unfortunately, my fears were realized much sooner than I realized.  My brother was found deceased in his apartment at the end of July that year.  Due to the timing of it, they were not able to definitively rule on the cause of death.  However, based on what I knew about him, the last thing he texted me* and details that few were privy too about his circumstance, it was pretty clear that he took his life.  I can't say for sure if he actively tried to commit suicide or if he engaged in death wish type actions/behaviors.  Either way, he was gone.  That was blow number 2.

In August of that year (2011), my now ex and I separated permanently and I lost custody of my daughter for a few months.  That was blow number 3.   In the process, I lost my house and would over the next few years be forced to move around a few times.  Anyway, the foreclosure would only become official in March of 2012.  That was blow number 4.  Anyone who has been through a divorce, especially a contentious one, knows that they are usually bad for finances.   Though I had gotten part time work and some unemployment at the time, I had to file for bankruptcy.  Blow number 5.   I also was forced to deal with my dad's failing health while I was nursing all of those wounds.   Blow number 6.

I hadn't quite lost everything at the time.   My parents were still both alive and I was able to get partial custody of my daughter as well as had a car of my own.  But, I'd say

• Losing a good long term job and being unemployed for an extended period of time.
• Loss of my closest sibling.
• Bad break-up and loss of custody of my daughter for a time.
• Foreclosure on my house and loss of most of what was in it.
• Filing for bankruptcy.
• Dealing with my dad's failing health.

all within about a two year period was staggering.  Though I hadn't quite lost everything.  Losing so much in that period of time and being literally left with the clothes on my back, my laptop and my car felt pretty much like I had little left to lose.  But as I wrote about in Finding Jewels in the Darkness, there was some good that came out of the bad.

Anyway, back to the original point of the post.  Leading up to the 2011/2012 period, I had had to deal with the following (not in any specific order):

• An unhealthy marriage and all the stress that goes along with it, including the fear of change and fear of loss of custody of a child.
• Round after round of reorganization and layoffs at my long term employer
• A brother who was increasingly struggling to cope and the constant stress over it.
• Increasingly untenable financial situation which associated with coping with a rough marriage. I learned that you can't buy enough things, go enough places and do enough things to get away from this fact.  Though you can sure build up debt in the process.
• The house payment was being increasingly difficult to make.

When it all started to tumble down in 2011 and 2012 and I survived each blow, a funny thing happened.  I realized that though I'd lost a lot, I gained something in the process.  I gained freedom. I no longer had each of those things to worry about.  My world became smaller, my stresses became fewer, my responsibilities became less, the remaining stresses I was fearful of, I found to be survivable.   Though I didn't have much, I had what mattered at the time: A car, a place to stay (a friend's house), enough money to get by on, my daughter, a few friends that survived the shake-up and my faith.  I also for a couple years more had my mom, whom I spoke about in Knew You Were Waiting For an Advocate.   It wasn't quite, nothing left to lose, but nonetheless, the responsibilities, burdens and stresses that had been weighing me down prior to 2011 were greatly reduced if not outright gone.  Though there was a lot of sadness, there was a great weight lifted off my shoulders.  I had little left after that time period, but what I had was what I needed and what I didn't have was the level of stress.  In short, though I'd lost a lot, I gained freedom to start fresh in the process.

* He texted me that "I think I'm dying".  It's one of those situations which haunts you.  When you are a kid and another kids says that he'll 'kill you'.  You take it to mean, I'm going to beat the crap out of you.  It was a similar dynamic to that.  Given the conversations we'd been having at the time, I took it to mean I'm very depressed and dying inside.  In other words, at that moment, in that context, it came across as figurative.  Maybe at that moment, it was.  Regardless, the timing will probably always haunt me.