Projections of the Way I Used to Be

You ever make a boneheaded mistake or  poor choice that you were not proud of?   You ever hurt anybody in way you weren't proud of?   You ever fail as a parent in a big way?   You ever just fail in a big way you weren't proud of?  I think everyone has been there.  Sometimes or some people may want to talk out those situations or circumstance, but other times and other people will not.  I think sharing with the world all your dirty laundry can be really dumb, but avoiding it all costs is just as foolish.   For me, I've never been one to brag on social media or elsewhere or otherwise just breathlessly admit failures.  For me, it can be like the "Wanna Get Away" commercials from Southwest Airlines.  If I were to wrecked my car, the last thing I want to do is admit on social media about it.  For me it feels like admitting that I'm a terrible driver--even if that is not a proper characterization. I'd rather be just wanting to get away and to pretend the bad thing or mistake never happened.

I've noticed an interesting tendency that some people have.  Sometimes when people make mistakes or bad choices or otherwise fail in a way that would be humiliating--or condemning if known, they will try to secretly 'atone' for it rather own it.  Some examples:

• Rep. Mark Foley - He was chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, yet he was found to have inappropriate communications with a young page.  He "couldn't" publicly own his failings, but by chairing the committee, he could at least feel better about himself.  That is, in his mind, perhaps he could privately even the scorecard.  He'd be helping more people than he hurt or so he might think.  Never mind, his failing would be seized on by those that he had helped to expose.  
• Ministers/priests who have come down hard on sexual deviancy, but later have been found to have engaged in it themselves.  They can't own their own 'sin' publicly, but they could feel better about themselves.  After all, by cleaning up deviancy in the community, they WERE doing the "Lord's work".  Never mind, that they were compromised and were privately undermining the "Lord's work" in the process.

The mindset appears to be, if I do enough good, it will atone or cover for the mistakes or bad choices I've made.   Anyone who knows anything about a recovery program realizes how flawed that thinking is.  It is important to own up to your bad or failures as it is to own up to your good or successes.  Not doing so

• Can undermine your credibility on your good.  In other words, good that is seen as a way of atoning for hidden or minimized bad, will probably be discredited as soon as the bad comes out.  Even if the good was done with the best intentions, if it is tied to the bad, it will probably be seen as being done strictly out of bad intentions. 
• Deprives you of an opportunity to grow and potentially become a positive spokesperson of sorts.  Our culture can be VERY forgiving.   
• In the movie Catch Me If You Can, the lead character Frank Abagnale Jr. runs into trouble after his parents divorce, and commits widespread fraud, the most notable of which is check fraud.  He spent time in a maximum security prison before FBI agent Carl Hanratty, who was the one that tracked him down and eventually caught him, convinced his superiors to let Frank serve out the rest of his sentence on the outside while helping the FBI with check fraud.  Mr. Abagnale was forced to face his mistakes and instead of continuing his failed path, he turned it around and did right by society.  He owned up to whom he was and accepted the cost of it.  Doing so allowed him to move on and become example of prison leading to a successfully reformed convict.
• Robert Downey Jr. struggled with drug addiction for years.  But he owned up to his failures and he was given a second chance legally and career-wise.  He is now recognized as a successful man and actor and a serious voice in the national conversation.
• Can deprive you of the ability to make amends or fix the problem on terms more favorable to you.  Anyone who follows politics knows that politicians who get in front of bad news tend to survive the consequences thereof better.   It's painful to do so, but as Bill Clinton's survival  before and during his presidency indicates, owning up to bad news rather than hiding from it can help you out in the long run.

I've been guilty of something a little bit different than that.  I have sometimes misplaced or projected my feelings onto another mistake or screw-up.  In other words, I'd be VERY harsh on myself for something smaller, but will not want to talk about the bigger screw-up.  Inevitably, I noticed in those type of situations, when I don't own up properly to my mistake or failing, it still had a way of getting back at me.  Over the years, I've lost a friendship or two by not owning up to properly to a/some mistake(s) or failing(s) at the time.

Eventually, bad news comes out and people aren't happy when they've heard it elsewhere.  By owning up to much to a lessor screw-ups when in reality I felt bad about something worse,  I was projecting my shame onto a small/smaller mistake.   It's sort of like dismissing culpability in an accident, but beating yourself up over cutting off someone off yesterday during a drive.   No, if I caused an accident, then I should own up properly to my role in it, even if doing so would expose reckless driving.   Pretending or minimzing my role in it, but then saying, but you know I have inadvertently cut others off before is sort of ludicrous. But that's essentially is the driving version of what I'm talking about.

It's hard to own up fully to mistakes, but in the long run, it is better for all who might be involved.  To do otherwise is essentially like a half-hearted apology or a half-hearted acknowledgement of role or culpability.  Beating yourself more over old news, doesn't help if you need to own up or atone for 'today'.    If I break the fine china and try to hide that fact, but tell you out of guilt or shame that I dropped and broke a glass, it doesn't help you.   For when it time for you to pull out and use the fine china, you will find out then that it is not available and you will be more upset that I hid that I broke it.  My displacement of it by condemning myself too much about breaking a glass, doesn't really solve anything.  Just saying...

I'm sure other can relate.

Faking It without being Fake

I think by the time we are well into our adulthood, we've heard society's "grown-ups in the room" spout the cliche "It's okay to disagree without being disagreeable".  Some cliches, no matter how overused they are, still have value.  This one is one of them.  Anyway, we've all heard others discuss having to deal with 'fake people' and it got me to think.

We've all been around groups of people that are fake and hopefully we are not unwittingly part of such a group.  We see them on Facebook and they like each other's posts.  You wonder if they even care about the posts for the others in their clique or they just want to be seen as being friendly or supportive, but I digress.   Sometimes you'll see them virtue signaling on social media or elsewhere and you wonder whom they are trying to impress with their 'thoughtful' take.  Sometimes we'll see them hang out in clubs together.  We may also see them group together at our place of education, employment or worship.  Wherever we run across them, they can be annoying to be around or to deal with.  Unfortunately, they due to circumstance between our control sometimes we have to deal with them--coworkers, classmates, supervisors, etc.

We could get or stay annoyed by them.  However, sometimes, especially if they have authority over us, it is best to learn how to 'play the game without being a piece on the board'.  That is, "Fake it, without being fake".   Before you take this step, you have to determine what it means and if you are capable of it.


The Rules of the Game.

• Remember when you are 'going along to get along', not to cross you own red lines.  Such as:
• Not hurting others.  For example, try to avoid piling on when others are being attacked, especially where the ones being attacked could be hurt or get wind of it.  Even if it not harmful to the subject of the attack, it is at the very least harmful to you and those whom you influence.  Besides, it is below your dignity.
• Not going against your core beliefs.  For example, don't resort to helping them steal or lying about work hours if that's what it takes to be part of the group.
• Not putting yourself in jeopardy to get along.  For example, if you work somewhere where your coworkers are doing something unethical, don't participate in hopes of being accepted.
• Be aware of what really matters and what is safe to opine about
• Some things are throwaway such as talking about your favorite restaurants or your favorite vacation spots.  As long as the 'fake' people aren't rude to you about it, what does it really matter as these are subjects that don't matter in the big scheme of things.
• Some things are fairly uncontroversial such as rooting for the home teams.  You can typically talk about these things without hurting other's feelings or compromising yourself.
• Some things you should avoid especially if it is a sore subject for someone in the group, unless it is to empathize perhaps.  No matter how 'fake' a person is, he or she still has feelings buried underneath the facade.
• Be aware of what is important to others in the game and look for areas of actual agree-ability.
• Compliment where you can safely (and honestly) such as on their clothes, car or whatever.  Fake people, often are just people search for validation.  If you can provide it honestly, it costs you nothing, but can make a difference.
• Ask questions that show interest.  Fake people can be very vain and like to talk about themselves.
• Pay attention to what they talk about, you might learn something which can help in future relations.

Determining if you want to play.

• What is the cost of the game?  If the cost is too high, such as compromising your values or putting up with too much BS, it probably isn't worth it.
• What is the benefit of the game?  Fake people might actually be able to help you if you 'help' them.  If you show likability towards them, even if not necessarily 100% genuine, they might be pleasant to you and perhaps offer networking help.
• There is a chance that someone(s) you perceive as 'fake' are just insecure people who are playing the game too and who seek a true friend.
• Can you be friendly and agreeable with fake people without the fakeness spilling over?

Is that your final answer?

• When determining how you want to proceed with fake people--whether you want to avoid them as much as possible, be businesslike or kill them with kindness--you have to consider the costs and benefits.
• You have to determine how much you are willing to put yourself out there.  When dealing with difficult people in general, it is best to put yourself out there as much as you are comfortable with.  In other words, how much are you willing to safely share with others?
• You have to be willing to change approach if one approach isn't working.  For example,  
• If your efforts to kill them with kindness don't work and are draining you, you may have to step back and let it go.  If someone is fake and doesn't accept your kindness or worse, pushes back, you have to make sure your don't allow yourself to get hurt in the process.
• If trying to avoid dealing with fake people isn't working.  In other words, they try to draw you in, it might be best to accept their overtures and find where you can be agreeable with them.  Otherwise, you might just have to step away from them as much as possible.

This applies to adults as well, but most kids want to be accepted and thought of well.  Unfortunately, I think in some cases, they resort to being whom they think they need to be instead of whom they are.  They look for acceptance among the 'in' kids, they crave something that feel is missing and will do whatever it takes to get it.   I think this extends into adulthood.  Maturity is realizing it is okay to be yourself and not someone 'you need to be' and being comfortable with it.  We have to deal with them in our teens and our adulthood sometimes.  But like the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" implies, we should make an effort to meet others where they are, especially when we can't avoid dealing with them.  It may not be on our terms, and therefore may feel like we are "Faking It", but it doesn't mean that we are "Fake".  Being respectful of others where they are doesn't mean we are fake, it means that we are considerate (and in some cases out of necessity).  We become "Fake" when we cross our red lines to do so and/or allow it to spill over into how we deal with everyone.

Gaslights: Not just on our streets or in our yards, but in our society.

A number of years ago, I was talking to a friend and he referenced the term 'gaslighting'.  I'd never heard the term before and of course was intrigued.  My understanding was that it is a psychological tool by which someone tries to covertly manipulate another into doubting themselves such that they gain some sort of advantage over the other.

Wikipedia describes it as this:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

I've seen this in relationships and at times wondered if this was present in my family of origin.  The following are ways I see it differently than "garden-variety" or simple manipulation.

Simple Manipulation

• You want your way, but aren't trying to disable or shutdown the other person in the process.  In other words, not purposely abusive.
• It may be overt.  It can be subtle, but it can be blatant too.
• It can be done out of fear or self-protection, but not usually out of downright contempt or throwing responsibility on the other.
• The focus of it is usually shorter term. 
• Examples
• Your significant other or child being all nicey-nice when they want you to do a favor for them.
• Your child or significant other whining when you ask them to do something they don't want to in hopes you'll drop it.
• A friend badmouthing a restaurant when what they really want it to have somewhere else chosen.

Gaslighting

• Used to disabled destroy or otherwise render the other person more compliant with little regard for the other's welfare.
• This is usually covert or subtle manipulation, meant to keep you from picking up on it.
• This is usually done with disrespect and/or contempt towards the victim of it.
• The focus is usually longer term.
• Examples
• You are the problem:  When you call and complain to a company about observably poor service or quality and they say "we are sorry you feel that way".  As if the real problem is that you are upset or calling out the problem.
• You can't do or say anything right: You are always challenged by parent, friend, child or other on your actions or take on everything (and it is clear that they aren't just trying to learn).  See the 98% rule: someone has to take blame...  Sometimes, it is just your opinion, take or feelings, but the other person seems to always take the alternative position.  When called out, they may claim that they are "playing devil's advocate"
• It's just your imagination: When you bring up a common experiences from years ago and they act like it never happened (and you know they don't have a bad memory or dementia).  Or someone gradually and inconspicuously lowers the lighting, the cooling or the warming and you say it is dark, cool or hot in here and they say act like you are crazy.
• If you are wanting a lifeline, go to someone else: When you speak on something that is pretty common knowledge and struggle to get your precise words out and they look at you like what's wrong with you or I have no idea what you are talking about.  That is it should be obvious from context what you mean, but they look at you like you are speaking an unknown foreign language.  This can either be to subtly mess with your mind or a form of contempt whereby instead of tossing you a lifeline, they walk away and let you fall on your face.
• Of course you did well, but what about him/her:  When you do well and the other party acknowledges it for a moment but then puts their focus on those who did better without acknowledging the shift in focus.

Whether it is simple manipulation or gaslighting, it is a control issue.  Gaslighting is just usually a form of manipulation that is more subtle and more malevolent.  If you get anything from this post, please read the following that touch upon the subject of manipulation and control.

98% rule: someone has to take blame...
Giving in relationships: Controller rescuer, fixer rescuer, useful partnership OR healthy supportive?
How to Save Yourself Without Drowning Others
Boxing others into our expectations
Control Freaks: Top down vs. bottom up.
Art of the Apology: Saying sorry without meaning it.

--

I will make one caveat.  I think sometimes, when defending themselves, that people sometimes do what looks like gaslighting in a bid to protect themselves.  That is change the subject and 'talk about their concerns about you' to get the focus off themselves.  If done defensively, I'm not sure I'd call it gaslighting, but rather self-preserving manipulation. 

So next time you have a legitimate complaint and the other party says, "I'm sorry you were offended or feel that way", make sure to remind them that the subject of the complaint is the issue, not how you feel.

Just my thoughts,
Rich

Closer to Me: Breaking the deadlock.

I don't know if I stumbled upon it while listening to music on YouTube or if I heard it when I was listening to XM radio in my car, but I heard a song that I hadn't heard in a while: Get Closer by Seals and Croft.   It's funny thing about songs: You can listen to them over and over, over time and like the sound as played and sang by the artists, but not really "hear" them.  I found that to be the case the case with this song.

This song is a little melancholy.  It hear a bit of a pleading.  He's wanting to be close to with his significant other, but he doesn't seem to be able to do at the current time.  It's like he needs some give from her.   It's like they are in a rut and he can't put himself out there for her until he knows it is 'safe' for him too.  Below is some of the lyrics.

Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.

Darlin' if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.

Darlin' if you want me to love, love only you, then love only me.

Darlin' if you want me to see, see only you, then see only me.

There's a line, I can't cross over. It's no good for me and it's no good for you.

And there's a feelin', deep down inside me. I can't explain it and you're wondering why.

You say we've been like strangers, but I'm not the others you can wrap 'round your fingers.

There's a time, I when I would come runnin'. I'd drop everything for the touch of your hand in mine.

...

...

...

It seems like people hit that point in various relationships--friendship, family, couple relationships, etc.   People hit a rut or a point which they are stuck and can't seem to get past.   Sometimes that ends the relationship and sometimes it keeps it from growing or deepening.  

Why do we get to that point?

•  We let our fears get in the ways
• Sometimes this is justified.
• You've been hurt.  
•  Mistreated or subjected to abusive behavior.
•  By the involvement of another.  Pretty self-explanatory.
• You've been gossiped about or undercut.
• It could be involving someone else in the family or a friend in the circumstance.
• It could be by minimizing or shutting down the other or not taking their opinions, thoughts or concerns seriously.  It doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but sometimes it is a sense of being heard.
• Sometimes it is not justified.
• You've been hurt by another close to you and instead of treating each person invidually, you find yourself 'fighting the last battle'.
• You are so concerned that if you don't intervene, that a problem or concern won't be addressed properly.  Once again, if you've been let down by another who failed to live up to their role or part, it can be easy to 'take control' and not want to risk that happening again as an example.
•  We let our resentments get in the way.
• If we've feel like our concerns have not been addressed or not been taken as seriously as they should be, we can just stop engaging them and resent them sometimes outwardly. 
• If we've been hurt or let down by another, we can get stuck in cycle where we focus more on the unresolved issue or the thought that the issue will show up again than how to move forward.
•  We let our pride get in the way.
• I believe what we see portray as fear or resentment, really could as much hurt pride as anything.
• If we've put ourselves out there with another and been disappointed, let down or hurt, our pride can tell us 'I deserve better'.  Sometimes that may be true, but often times it fails to take into account our role in the circumstance.  I addressed this in It's just you and me and we just disagree... 
• Sometimes it is easier to keep an "arm's length distance" from another than to put away our pride or to risk further injury to it.

So, I've talked about the causes, but what about the solution?   I don't claim to have all the answers, but I do have a few ideas.

Where there is a deadlock in a relationship:

• Set down your weapons. 
• It's hard to expect another to feel like it's safe to engage if they have the sense that engaging will lead to conflict or dissent.  
• Sometime we just have to acknowledge to the other that you are a 'safe space' for them.  This is as true when dealing with kids as other adults.  
• If you 'set down your weapons', they are more likely to do the same. 
• Show a little give or be willing to offer a lifeline.
• If someone feels like all the effort to resolve the impasse is coming from them, eventually they will tire of it and it probably won't end well.
•  If someone is struggling to find footing with you and you offer them only folded arms and not a helping hand, it's a bit difficult for them to want to engage you.  Why would engaging with another and risk falling on your face when dealing with another, when you have a choice.
• Failure to do so can come across as lack of empathy or contempt.  I think this is probably common in co-parenting relationships.  You have to deal with another when you don't necessarily want to.
• Doing so could help them to feel at least a bit of a friendly connection.
• Agree to disagree
• Sometimes, you just have to decide you'll never agree on a certain issue.  You have to decide if it is a "hill on which you die" or if it is something you set aside out of respect for the larger relationship.
• Sometimes, one or both parties, have not had enough time really consider the issue.
• Sometimes, one or both parties, are amendable to the other's point of view, but they have to 'grow into' at least accepting that point of view.

I don't claim to have all the answers and sometimes what I write are ideals that I am not perfect in implementing.  However, I at least hope to give others food for thought.  Please take from my blog post whatever you might find useful and/or what may apply.

Thanks for reading,

Rich 

Crying over you, others and other things: Kobe Bryant inspired

Sunday* I received a notification on my phone when I was driving.  Kobe Bryant, a long-time star and a lock in 2020 for the NBA Hall of Fame, had perished in a helicopter crash on his way to a youth girl's basketball tournament.  His 13 year old daughter was among the others that had perished too.  That kind of hits home because my daughter is about to turn 13.

As I listened to the news, I cried a little.  While I have followed the NBA at times, especially during Michael Jordan's run in Chicago, I have at times just tuned it out too.  But, even for the casual fan, there are some names that stick out.  Names such as Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Shaquillle O'Neal, and Kobe Bryant stick out.  Sometimes famous people, who we don't know personally, capture our attention, especially when they pass away early.  They might be a former princess (Lady Di), a famous actor (Heath Ledger, Phillip Seymour Hoffman), a famous athlete (Daryl Kile, Kobe Bryant) or some other category.  In this case, it was a famous athlete.  Kobe, mostly with his on the court accomplishments and his celebrity personality, captured the imagination of many.  

I have previously discussed crying in Demons Part 3: 'Bloodletting' pain as a way of mourning as a healthy way of letting out hurt or pain.  I guess I'm inspired to write this post to remind everyone, no matter who they are, what their gender is, how young or how old they are, that there is a role for crying in our lives.  As a child with an old school dad, I can attest to the notion that crying wasn't always looked highly upon, especially with male children.  So, I assume that there are many that still haven't embraced this notion or haven't fully embraced it.  But, I digress, what is the role of crying in our lives?  Below is a list that I thought of off the top of my head and it is not meant as complete.


Role of Crying (and examples)

• Mourning the loss of someone close to us.  
• If we've lived long enough we will experience it.  Some experience it early in life, some not as early.  Some seem to experience a lot of losses while others not so many.
• This seems to be most acute sort of loss, especially if it is abrupt.  One day, that person who was important in our lives is no longer accessible to us.  The person we could laugh or cry with, smile or frown with, share happiness or frustration is just no longer there for us.
• Mourning the loss of someone who isn't necessarily close, but someone who felt like was bigger than life and/or represented a time in our life.
• Kobe Bryant was a celebrity.  We shared the joy of watching him compete, the disappointment/irritation of  scandal in his life, the winding down of his career and the new direction in retirement.  As fans, he brought us joy, but as a very public figure even though he was rich and a celebrity, he was still human and relate-able.  His passing was sudden, shocking and for me it felt like a bit of an era died.
• Mourning the loss of innocence or safety.
• As a young child in a dysfunctional home growing up, divorced parents and as survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA), I was too busy dealing and it was only in my adulthood I was able to focus on this loss.
• Being abused or assaulted without little or no warning.
• Mourning the loss of an ideal.
• For some people, they have dreams of the happily ever after, but one day they end up divorced.
• For some it is seeing someone they looked up falling from grace and getting in legal and/or personal trouble.
• For some it is realizing that life isn't fair (being passed over for an honor or a role, despite knowing that it should have been theirs.
• Mourning the passing of a time in our lives.
• Hitting a certain age or certain time such as 50 or the kids are all grown up and we miss their younger days.
• Remembering the days in which everything seemed simpler.
• Empathizing with the tragedy of others.
• Hearing about a horrible murder.
• Reading about or watching a tragedy unfold.
• Releasing of pent-up emotions.
• Seeing your team which was denied the Stanley Cup for so long and after so many letdowns finally win it.
• Enduring great physical or emotional pain.
• Such as with childbirth
• Such as with a perforated colon.
• Such as the pain of knowing you have suffered a season ending, career ending or hobby ending injury.
• Losing or getting something valuable destroyed.
• As a kid it just might be our favorite drawing.
• As an adult it might be a beloved heirloom that belonged to a late parent.

In Ecclesiastes 3:4, King Solomon inspired by God wrote: 

[there is] a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance

--
Clearly our Higher Power understood that we experience sadness (or in some cases bittersweet) in our lives and that crying is a very healthy and human response.   As with anything and implied by the same verse, there is a time and circumstance when we crying is not appropriate.   Wailing loudly at a pie eating contest at the country fair probably would be completely out of place.  Similarly, wailing as you watch a loose penny roll down the sewer is probably an overreaction.

I see no hard and fast rules as to when to cry.  For different people and at different points in our lives, the when may differ greatly.  As far as how, I think it can differ from person to person, but from what I've seen usually people look for safe situations.  I have found comfort crying in private when appropriately moved, comfort in crying in public when the situation allows or calls for it such as funeral, or when I'm watching a tear-jerking story, quietly crying along with family or friends who seem amendable to those moments.  

One more final point on crying:  How much and/or how often? While sometimes there is so much hurt that you need to cry and cry and cry until you've seemingly processed all the hurt, there are other times perhaps the amount of crying is excessive for the hurt.  For example, when a close friend dies, you'll probably cry seemingly endlessly.  However, when you drop a book on your big toe, you might cry in pain, but to continue to cry over it for days afterwards might indicate a bigger problem.  For me, with the passing of Kobe Bryant and his 13 year old daughter, I shed a tear when I heard and for the next couple of times I read about it.  I didn't know Kobe, but the human interest of it was sad.  Not enough to disable me, but enough for me to be sad and empathize some.  Which leads to a final thought.  Sometimes we need to just get it out, but other times it is disabling.  If it is disabling for too long, it is probably best to seek professional help.  Anyway, thanks for listening.

Rich


* January 26th, 2020 when this blog was started.

 

Pettiness: Only Appropriate for Tom and Richard

For a few fortunate people being 'Petty' is a very profitable and successful way of life:  Just ask Richard and the family of the late Tom Petty.   Being 'Petty' has worked very well for them, indeed.   However, I've found that being petty or pettiness usually doesn't work well and doesn't really better our lives and those around us in the long term.  I believe whatever short term 'benefits' we get from being petty usually come at a cost.  Below is what I see as the 'cost' and 'benefits' of pettiness.


'Cost' of pettiness

• Makes you look smaller.
• If it is in response to another person's own pettiness, you've given them a victory by agreeing to their rules of engagement.
• You give up energy (emotion/physical/spiritual) that can and should be devoted to more productive endeavors.
• If it is born out of conflict, you lose the opportunity to defuse or end the conflict and instead may add fuel to the conflict.
• It can invite a unpleasant response from the target of your pettiness, especially if they can see it for what it is.

'Benefits' of pettiness

• Gives you temporary 'satisfaction' of having punished to someone.
• If in response to conflict, you are announcing there are consequences for another creating or pushing conflict.
• It can be a way of making a point with limited effort.
• It can sometimes actually allow you to get your way.   Some people, just don't like petty conflict and just will try to avoid it.

What pettiness is not (and why it should be avoided):

• Being the bigger person in a conflict.
• An exhibition of positive principles that the Golden Rule implies
• Leading by example or setting a good example.
• A way of breaking the stalemate in conflict.
• Being a man or woman of honor.

My general philosophy has always been that I should hold myself to a standard that I'd hope for out of others, especially towards me.  Put another way: "Don't expect others to treat you a preferred way, unless you are willing to treat them that way as well."  For example, if I don't wish to be yelled by another, it is imperative that I do not resort to yelling at that person.  If I expect be treated like I know what I'm doing, I should start with the assumption that know what they are doing.  As it relates to pettiness, if I expect to be treated with decency from others and not pettiness, it is imperative that I do not choose pettiness as an acceptable way of treating them.  Sure, I might be able to get away with it and they may not immediately realize I was petty to them, but ultimately, I will and my Higher Power will.  Besides, I think even if they can't point a finger to a specific case of it, most people will eventually be able to sense pettiness (or disrespect) directed towards them.  For example, I could purposely badmouth someone behind their back, purposely get their order wrong without it being blamed on me or something like that.  However, eventually, the person who I am being petty to will likely catch on and I will have to pay consequences for it.

My takeaway about pettiness (in no particular order):

• It's beneath us
• It is a wasteful use of energy.
• It is potentially a cop-out for dealing with resentment and other relationship issues.
• It may not be a 'sin' per se, but it is clearly not in keeping with the golden rule

So, IMHO, we should do ourselves a favor and avoid it.  If it is masking relationship issues, then the deal with the underlying issues.  Trying to deal with it by pettiness is a long term loser.

Just my thoughts.

Placing Sadness in the Anger Bin

According to grief.com, the Five Stages of Grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.   The idea is that you first deny the reality of that which grieves you; you are angry about what seems unfair or not right; you 'bargain' with your higher power that you'll do better if only you wake up and this horrible nightmare is over; you fall into a depression when you realize that no matter how much you wish it weren't so, there is nothing you can do to change that which grieves you and of course you accept that which you and move forward.

What I've learned along the way is the practice of 'medicine' is as much of an art as it is a science.  I believe this to be the case with psychology as well.  I believe that some models of human behavior, interactions and thought are better than others, that there is no one-sized, fits all model.  Each model has its flaws and exceptions as well as its accuracy and strengths, but I digress.  I believe the "Five Stages of Grief" model has a lot of value to it.  However, I believe the progression of grief doesn't always follow that model and frankly sometimes people never quite reach the acceptance stage.   From what I've seen some people never make it through the depression stage.  It's like they deny the loss, are angry about it, try to bargain the loss away, and hit the sadness or depression stage and struggle to handle it.

I called this post, "Placing Sadness in the Anger Bin", because essentially, the griever is at a point in which he or she should be working through the sadness, but for whatever reason, is struggling to.  What should manifest itself as Sadness or Depression instead comes out in Anger.  The sadness exists, but the griever is not processing or allowing it to fully express itself.  In my own life, this circumstance manifest itself with my brother's suicide, written in Don't you forget about me: The blog I needed to write one day about my late brother,

Due to the circumstances and timing in which he was found, the family was never allowed to see him after he was found.  As I worked through his belongings in his apartment that in the week that followed, a part of me expected him to walk in and gripe about what were we doing with his belongings.  It was surreal and was obviously the denial stage.  Gradually, it gave away to anger.  I knew he was struggling and did what I could to help him, but I felt the family overall had let him down.  He would 'disappear' from time to time and it seemed as if few in the family did anything more than to ask about him (from my perspective).  Had dealt with the same type of sexual abuse that I did as a kid and the struggles that come from growing up in a dysfunctional family which was unnecessarily poor and led by an alcoholic dad.  He struggled to find acceptance and had cried out for help in his teens with an overdoes on Tylenol.  From my perspective, he was largely abandoned and left to his own devices by the family.   I was angry and humiliated that as a family that we let him down.  I was angry at God I'm sure.  I was angry at myself.   I knew he was struggling and I dropped away for a little bit.  I didn't care that I was dealing with my own failing marriage, depression and unemployment.  I told myself I knew better and let him down.

In some ways, I'd wake up for a bit and just hope that this was just a bad dream and he'd show up and hoped there was a way that that could happen.  But, at my age, the 'bargain' stage didn't last too long as I am a realist.  At this point, having gotten over the shock, having worked through some anger and realized that bargaining was fruitless, I was was struggling with the sadness/depression.  Why should I have to deal with this?  Why should I have to feel this bad?   Why was I the one who was the last one in the family to attempt to be there for him?   I bounced back and forth between sadness and anger.  Eventually, I worked through the sadness and came to accept the reality of never seeing him again, but it wasn't a clean, linear five step progression.

As with the story above, I have come to realize in my life, a phenomenon.  I have seen in the life of others, especially, but not limited to kids and younger people that same phenomenon: Sadness hiding behind Anger.  That is Anger being Sadness's spokesperson, instead of Sadness speaking for itself.

• The sadness hurts. Why should I have to feel this hurt or loss?  
• The sadness leads to unexpected/uncontrolled expression sobbing or crying.  Why should we have to deal with something that makes us feel 'weak' or 'unsafe'?
• It can make us feel vulnerable or 'weak'.   Anger tells us we should be able to better deal.
• It can feel humiliating.  Crying, while healthy, is best done in a safe place.  If not done in a safe place, it can lead to humiliation.  Anger hates humiliation.
• The sadness seems never-ending.  Why won't this stage ever end?  Why can't I just move on?  Anger hates an unresolved endless repeat of the same painful story.

Anyway, from what I see, Anger serves two purposes, not necessarily healthy, but nonetheless two purposes.

• Anger can serve as seemingly less draining than working through the sadness.  
• Anger doesn't require the level of introspection and processing of sadness.  It is a raw unfiltered emotion.  Let's face it, if you don't feel like you should have to deal with sadness, anger seems to be a good option.
• Anger can serve as a way to block the sadness (at least for a time).   
• In a way, it can be seen as the emotional version of cutting.  My understanding is that the raw physical sensation of cutting serves as a distraction for emotional pain of sadness.  If you are focused on the acute physical sensation of cutting* and all it involves, for a time, the emotional hurt is overridden.  Anger can be raw and intense, and in a similar way to cutting it can overwhelm sadness the emotional hurt of sadness.

I think most people have seen instances, either portrayed in the movies or somewhere in their own lives or those around them an angry person who is lovingly embraced and proceeds to break down and cry.  While I wouldn't categorically endorse that technique in dealing with angry people, it does emphasize a point: that sadness is often underlying anger.  

I guess my takeaway is this: Before you write off someone who has anger issues at least consider that there may be more than just meets the eye.  It isn't always just some jerk who decides that hating is an acceptable way of life.  It isn't always necessarily some psychopath who has predatory anger.  Sometimes, an 'angry' person is simply a person who is trying to avoid dealing with sadness.  So, instead of placing their Sadness in the Sadness Bin, they feel more comfortable placing it in the Anger Bin.  So, before you condemn an angry person, consider that there may be a sad person inside who just needs some understanding.**

Just my thoughts,

Rich

* I understand there are other reasons behind cutting as the Mayo Clinic details.  I've known people who cut, but I never began to understand why they cut themselves UNTIL one day when I chewed a fingernail too far down on the nail bed.  I'd done this before where it caused an uncomfortable, acute pain.  But, I had found that pressing down on that fingernail until it turned white for a while would lessen or block the pain in the nail bed.  I believe my higher power gave me an insight that day.  What I was doing was substituting one pain for another less intense pain.  In other words, I was blocking pain with pain.  I realized that day that people often cut for the same reason.  They are blocking an (emotional) pain with a less intense physical one.  I realize now that perhaps anger is just another form of pain displacement.

**But don't be so foolish as to try to hug and angry person with a knife or to ignore the symptoms of 'psychotic anger'.   Personal safety comes first.  ;-)