Walking through molasses: Codependence can make life more difficult...

I don't exactly know when, but I have at times in relationships--especially when they weren't healthy--felt as if I were not only carrying the weight of my own fears/worries/insecurities, but that I was carrying weight of those of my significant other.  Not only that, but the weight of their opinions too.


For example, in a relationship I had when I was in my 20s, my significant other at the time had a relative who was very smart and successful.  I know it now moreso, but at the time I knew I was smart as well.  A the time, I was reasonably successful, though I hadn't fully "arrived".

Her grandpa was a very status-oriented and judgmental person.   He bragged about her successful relative.  It was obvious, that the relative was a measuring stick upon which others would be measured against.  At the time, I felt her desire to want to brag on her significant other--being me--but I wasn't as successful as the relative.   I already had in my mind my own insecurity about where I was in my career.  So, her 'concern' about her grandpa's opinion was more weight on my shoulders.  

Anyway, at some point in the relationship, I was fired from a job.  So I was unemployed and of course I feeling less worthy.  At the time I was very private--even more so than now--so I wasn't dying to 'brag' about my job status.  But, I got the sense from her that I should just keep my mouth shut about my job situation in front of her family and her grandpa in particular.  Rather than have my back, it felt like she was pushing me protecting her image.  She should have been able to express concern about her significant other without worry about pushback from her family. Secondarily, I should have expected that she'd have the respect for me to stand up for me rather than to 'hide my shame'.  To me that should have been a sign to just walked away from the relationship.

So, I am stressing about being unemployed.  But, I am also stressing about retaining a 'good image' in the family for the sake of the relationship.  Obviously part of that 'good image' is being gainfully employed.   So not only am I feeling the pressure to find decent work, but I am feeling double pressure to do so for the sake of the relationship.  

I describe dealing with the relationship like walking through molasses because I can picture how difficult each step would be if one was doing that.  To me, having my own pressures and the pressures from a significant other in such a codependent relationship was made my steps forward in life more challenging as if I was walking through the "muck or stickiness" of codependence (aka molasses).

* Update 12/29/16.  I've been going back through my old posts to repost where the initial posts had less exposure and to tidy up old posts where it makes sense.  I revised this a bit now, but the essence of this one, I wrote this over 4 1/2 years ago, when I was permanently separated and in the process of a unkind divorce.  So, as you can imagine, I was reflecting upon relationships in my life and things that I'd learned and what not.  I'm in a better place now and I'm not sure I'd write this today.  However, unfortunately some of the clearest thinking occurs when we are pressured by painful circumstances in life.  So, while I rarely if ever consider the situation behind this post now, I see benefit in reposting it where my share could help someone.  Thanks for reading, Rich

Codependence and "Little Precious"

I have been busy the past few days, but I wanted to at least put a short entry for today.   I was talking to a friend in CODA and it occurred to me what extreme codependence looks like.

As many of us know, this is Gollum from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.   Anyone who knows anything about this series of books/movies, knows that his character has an extreme codependence on the "Ring of Power".   He is so stuck on the ring that he will go to any lengths to hold onto it or get it back if he loses it.   In fact his body and mind have been corrupted by the longing for and the influence of the ring.   He calls the ring "little precious" and speaks of it in a very deranged manner.

The insanity he displays when longing for and/or holding onto the ring bring to mind what extreme codependence look like:

* A single-minded pursuit.  (Living for the relationship)
* A smothering grip. (Controlling/Fear-based).
* The unwillingness or inability to see how such codependence can be destructive. (Delusional)
* Losing oneself when trying to reach for hold onto one's own "little precious". (Destructive)

In considering whether a relationship is healthy or not, if you are honest, would you see the relationship as "my little precious"?  In other words, would you see it as something you can't cope without or do you see it something that enhances your life but that takes work to keep healthy.

You fight for what's important to you, but you can't live your life as if its continuation depends on THE relationship.  I'm not advocating something like simply walking away from an imperfect marriage--except where it is abusive, threatening and/or the vows are shattered.  Instead, I'm advocating not trying to hold onto the unhealthy with a deathgrip.  You fight for what's important.  However, when the fight becomes an unhealthy death-grip, you step back and let the chips fall where they may, reaching out to your Higher Power (praying/meditating) for guidance.  Once again, I'm not meaning pushing towards breakup or divorce when the relationship is not so healthy, but instead letting the relationship flow in a natural direction, not a forced or fear-based one.  A relationship that is tied up in extreme codependence is fear-based and not love-based.  As the scriptures say...

Let all that you do be done in love. (1st Corinthians 16:14)

Just some thoughts for the day...

* As of 12/29/2016, this blog was updated for editing and reposting purposes. I know LOTR is way out of date, but the concepts within the blog are not.

The Regret Puzzle: Proper to mourn mistakes, but not to live in them.

I was talking to a friend one day and I finally was able to put into an easy to understand way, why it is foolish to  "what if" think.   What I came up with is effectively a cousin of the butterfly effect.   I will call it the "regret puzzle".

In the "regret puzzle", one lives their life with "what if" thinking.  What if I had not made this bad choice or that bad choice?  Presume that you know it was a bad choice and also presume that you could go back in time and change that choice to a better choice.  If it is a decision or choice of any importance, it will likely chance the trajectory of your life is some way.  In other words, it would change the possible decisions you make in the future and/or the outcome thereof.  Now imagine each decision you make/outcome 'you choose' is a puzzle piece.   If you change the shape of that puzzle piece, it will necessarily effect the puzzle pieces--decisions/choices/outcomes--surrounding it.   One has no way of knowing how a decision today will alter a decision/outcome tomorrow.  Typically, we assume those surrounding decisions/outcomes will be either unaffected or better, but there is no way of knowing for sure.  Hence, while it is proper to mourn bad choices or decisions, it is doubly pointless to live with regret and 'what if' thinking surrounding them.    Not only can we not go back and 'fix' mistakes in the past, we don't even know how it would affect surrounding choices/decisions/outcomes.

Seeing this has helped me not to live in my poor choices/mistakes.

Why to write? Even thoughts need a home..

I was talking with a friend in CODA (codependents anonymous) and sharing some struggles I'd been going though. I obviously needed to vent. In the process of thanking her for listening it occurred to my about why we surrender our fears/worries/successes/failures. As we know sometimes we have thoughts that bother us until we get them off our chest-either by writing them or expressing them to a friend. It occurred to me stray thoughts that are going around and around in our mind are homeless. When a person does not feel like he has a home, his or her life and/or future can be clouded. He or she has no place to really rest or unwind. In a way he or she may not be comfortable enough to really start unpacking aka opening up. We can have thoughts running around in our head which seem to lack clarity. The thought doesn't feel like it has a place to fully express itself. This can make us irritated as we know something is bothering us, but cannot totally pin it down. Those thoughts effectively are homeless. When we journal or write for public consumption our thoughts, we are giving our thoughts a home. What happens when we truly feel at home? Of course, we begin to unwind and/or open up.  Similarly, having been freed of the confines of our mind, our thoughts often seem to expand or clarify as if they are opening up.

The benefit of surrendering our thoughts by writing is we give them a home.   Like sometimes people do when they get a new place and have had time to unpack, they start inviting company over to share their place.  Similarly,  when a thought has a comfortable home such as in a letter, on a post, in a article or in a book, we are often willing to share that thought with others.  

Birth of a Blog Concept

When I first started this blog, it started out as a recovery blog for me and others as I've come to see within family and through the experiences of others, how intimately linked addictive behavior and codependence is. However, I've decided to expand it. It will now cover my basic understanding of human nature as well. As I am a Christian, I will come at it from a Christian perspective. I hope to share my thoughts, my understandings, experiences and experiences of others I have had the pleasure of meeting. My friends may see themselves in my blog, but I will be careful to be respectful and not share names when to do so would harm others. My sincere hope is that my posts one day can help others. I would like to pass on the wisdom and experience the Holy Spirit has directed me to see. Thanks, Rich

As I write I try to just let the words come out, good or bad.