This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
When jokingly expressing to a friend that he should have intervened in a family situation, I came up with this gem. I was cracking up when I the thought of it popped in my head.
DANGERS OF AN ILL PREPARED/THOUGHT-OUT INTERVENTION
With enough people you can take a horse to water And attempt to force it to drink What you will likely end up with is a drowned horse And a jail sentence for cruelty to animals -------- In other words, sometimes if the person isn't open to it at all, the intervention could actually backfire. Secondarily, it can be dangerous to 'swim in the pool' with an addict to reach them as it could drag you down with them. The irony of this post didn't initially come to me. But, there is one addiction, in which you don't want the proverbial horse to drink. Namely, alcoholism. In that case, you don't necessary want to take the horse to water. You might want to take him or her to detox instead. :o)
For those who follow my FB page, you might recognize this thought as I'd posted it previously. I realized something deep and profound. So, I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about parent/kid boundaries. Namely being too much of a friend/buddy/confidant to your child rather than being a parent can be cringe-worthy to an outsider or yourself once you realize it. As you all know by now, my mind goes in unique directions at times. So, here goes.
Okay, we all remember Tom and Jerry and how much fun it was to watch them they tangled. Though I hated Jerry always winning, I realize if Tom ever won, I guess the show would be over, but I digress. Anyway, I remember in the 1970s they had new episodes in which they were friends. I never really took to those. As a matter of fact, I found them quite annoying. I realized why. Tom and Jerry are suppose to be natural enemies. Tom is suppose to chase Jerry and Jerry is suppose to defend himself. When they are best friends, that natural order feels completely off. Similarly, a parent is suppose to be keeping in mind his/her child's interest first, not be their child's best buddy or to seek their child's love and approval based on letting the kid have his/her way. When you see a parent/child relationship based on the latter, it feels off.
I'll let you draw your own moral of the story or conclusions.
Do you find yourself consistently giving and giving in relationship and getting little in return? It is like driving down the highway day after day in the same direction, cross country and expecting to make it home. Sure, you can fill your tank up at places along the way, but eventually your car will break down and leave you stranded. Similarly, you can scratch and claw and find hope in a one-sided, one-way relationship, but eventually you will be mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted and having nothing left for anyone including yourself. As my ex-father in law said, "the highway goes both ways". Sometimes you just have to pull the car off the road and wait for the other person to drive to you. It can feel risky, scary or uncertain when you are so used to doing the reaching out, but it is a necessary step. If nothing else, you cannot expect the other to come to you if you continually deprive him/her of the opportunity to meet you halfway. Beyond that, sometimes you just need to know IF the other person has the capacity and presence of mind to know he/she needs to meet you half way. ---- A variety of the above concept or a finer point on the scale is tolerating vs. embracing. Tolerating, no matter how you wrap it up is never as warm, giving or loving when compared to embracing. Tolerating to me means: a) I don't really get you, but you offer me something anyway, so I will stay with you. b) I don't necessary like you, but you offer me something anyway,.... c) If you stop offering me something in return for tolerating you, don't be surprised if I leave. Effectively, tolerating is a calculation that what I are putting up with is worth what I am getting in return. Embracing to me means: a) Your quirks are cute, funny or charming. b) I accept you for who you are, not what you can give me in return. c) I would feel sad if you changed the things that made you uniquely you. So, the questions I ask myself are these: Am I tolerating or embracing? What does embracing look like? If I am tolerating, can I get to a point of embracing? Some things/relationships aren't meant to be embraced or tolerated, The keys are learning to embrace what we need to regardless of how unpleasant it is and those things/relationships we shouldn't tolerate letting go of them.
Last Sunday as part of Pastor Wedel's service, he made a really simple, but often overlooked point. HURTING PEOPLE HURT OTHERS. *(This was written when Harold Wedel was the head pastor of Harvester Church of the Nazarene in early 2015. It was also written as my dad was dying. I only hope he finds the peace that eluded him in life. He passed away May 1, 2015). Sometimes, we are so caught up in our own lives, our own fears, our own addictions, our own demons that we fail to see how we are affecting those around us. The story I tell below is not to cry over spilled milk, bash my dad or ask for pity. Instead it is a cautionary tale about how we hurt each other when we are hurting and how if we don't deal with our own demons, they can and will affect others. So, please read it in that regard. With my daughter, every dollar I spend on myself, friends or someone whom I'm dating, I have to weigh it in my heart: is that a dollar that I am depriving Olivia (or some other deserving soul) the benefit of? My focus here will be my dad's alcoholism as that is the closest example to home, but in another it could be drugs, things, food, etc. --- My dad apparently had/has demons that he has never really shared with his children. I only know this as I have heard bits and pieces from family members over the years of his early years. I don't know much about his foster family and I know even less about his family of origin. However, I do know this, whatever demons he had/has, he took them into a marriage with my mom and into his marriage family.
When he was sober, he could be mean, resentful, controlling. I think this was out of fear largely. When he was drunk, he was much more friendly, but also less reliable. His sickness lead to the following:
Proceeds from his paychecks going to watering holes and 'friends' of different sorts at those places. This meant that his kids often went without. I'm not talking about not being able to do little league or other activities, I'm talking even more basic: eating not as healthy food, wearing beat up or torn clothes, birthdays and Christmas being generally disappointing (and embarrassing) and being promised all nature of things and rarely getting any of them.
He would disappear for hours and on one occasion that I remember for days. I would at first be glad that he was not there to fight with my mom, but then I got scared he wasn't going to come back.
His kids being open to predatory types. I think you know what I mean, so I won't elaborate.
Verbal and physical abuse of my mom and his kids.
He's never owned up to his alcoholism except to say, "I went to the bars so I wouldn't have to deal with your mother. He never has come clean on much. He never really has opened up about his family of origin, why he was in foster care, etc. He is a shell of his former self today and God has given me the grace to forgive him and the willingness the see him in his later days despite it all. I look at him and see a pitiful soul. I think to myself, I need to share the Gospel with him, but there is a part of me that thinks he'll just be ignorant about it and what's the use?
On some level, I think he might have known that he was hurting my mom and his kids, but on some level he was in a deep state of denial. He drank, justified it by a 'tough home life' and seem to think he could control it. From what little I know instead of dealing with his early and pervasive demons/hurts, he decided to try to medicate them away daily and when he couldn't do that he was a difficult/controlling person to be around. Even to the point of putting his others and his kids down, to elevate himself comparatively.
In other words, he was a hurting person, who hurt others. Sometimes purposefully and sometimes just unwittingly selfishly. He only stopped drinking at a later point when the Dr. told him in no uncertain terms that if he continued that way he'd be headed to the grave. But, that's another point.
My brother Bill, God rest his soul, never overcame the hurt/demons that he endured in his childhood. His passing was a wakeup call to me, that hurts do not go away on their own. God used a terrible circumstance to give me a new life. In other words, HOPE.
The takeaway from this post is this:
What are we doing to deal with our fears, concerns, angst, worries?
Are we dealing with them in a healthy way: talking with our Heavenly Father aka prayer, venting to friends, journaling, counseling, talking to our ministers, support groups,
Are we dealing with them in an unhealthy way: drinking, drugs, gambling, compulsive overeating/shopping, etc?
How are we treating those around us? Not how we think we are, but how actually we are.
As long as we have air to breath, there is always hope. Just as lungs can repair themselves from years of abuse smoking, God can help us repair broken lives and broken relationships.
This video below is more profound since he passed away in May 1, 2015. Even if a parent is not the 'perfect' parent, they are your parent.
As I am revamping my original blog about addiction/codependence, I will add a human nature post now. God blessed me with this enlightenment about an hour before church this past Sunday.
Accepting people for where they are: So, as a single guy in his 40s dating and with friends who are in their 40s as well, I've come to many an insight. For example, everyone has a different path to where they are in life.
* Some have the clear path straight along the highway on a sunny day. They are very blessed and have seemingly made the 'proper' choices.
* The path of some is the scenic route where they take a few diversions. They mostly make the right choices but they make a few 'mistakes' along the way. In other words, they get to where they need to go, but they make a few 'bad choices'.
* The path of others is the long and winding road. They struggle with some of the basic questions: who am I, what is my purpose. They've made a number of questionable choices along the way. You look back at where they've come from and it is clear that it was almost inevitable that they would struggle. What I've come to realize is that each person in my life has their own story. They have their own path. The people with the easier path, you don't begrudge them for not understanding. The people with the long and winding path, you don't judge them for where they've been. The people who took the scenic route, you listen to their story and appreciate the diversions they've taken. Really all of them you listen to their story. God accepts each of us for where we've been so why shouldn't I? I guess the long and short of it is this: I don't care where you've come from, what you have or haven't done. As long as you are here today and treat others around you well, none of it matters. Anyway, that's my thought of the day. Take it for what it's worth. * (Now married - as of 3/12/16) Just the way you are.
In conversations with friends in recovery--where addiction/codependence is present--I've noticed a common theme. It seems like almost without fail, they have had a poor or non-existent family of origin connection. Anyway, to me, it's almost inevitable that addiction/codependence would be more likely to play a huge role in these people's lifes. I've heard and I believe that people are social creatures. In our childhood, we need reassurance/nurturing/validation. I believe that if we miss this early on, people are prone to find this connection in other ways or at least a way to medicate the lack of connection away. This can lead to a few problems:
Lack of healthy relationships. We may not know how to handle a healthy relationships as we have no model to base what one looks like on. Furthermore, if we are used to unhealthy relationships, we may be prone to think when we see a healthy one, there must be a catch. This can lead to sabotaging it, as it is better to have the certainty of a bad relationship rather than the 'uncertainty' of a good one.
Lack of trust of our Higher Power. If our earthly father whom we can see let's us down, how could we trust our Higher Power whom we can't see.
Finding an unhealthy significant other or predatory 'friends'
As a friend said to me, "Healthy people, generally don't marry addicts".
A predator can see or sense an opening where a person is vulnerable and has the ability to adapt their "story" to take advantage of the addict/codependent.
Finding something to 'medicate' away the problem. Drugs, alcohol or illicit 'relationships', e.g.
-- Addictive/codependent behavior or relationships remind me of an artificial sweeter.
They seem to meet our needs, but like an artificial sweetener they leave a bad aftertaste.
As we live them long enough, we find that we adapt to the bad or unnatural/uncomfortable taste to a point that healthy behaviors and relationships (sugar) becomes too rich or sweet.
The may seem like a decent substitute, but living with them--like baking--tends to produce an inferior final product.
Healthy behaviors or relationships remind me of sugar.
If indulged properly in our lives, these like sugar will bring us a more rich taste without the biting aftertaste.
If we indulged properly in our lives, we will be able to tell a difference between the healthy ones and the unhealthy ones. Just as if we indulge sugar properly, we will be able to tell what is and is not a natural sweetener.
Properly indulging in a natural sweetener of sugar--just like healthy relations--will yield better results in baking--just like living.
Ultimately, I believe the best connections we have are with the guidance of our Higher Power. We all may not have the advantage of starting off with the best connections as we all don't get to pick our family of origin. However. even if we started off in an unhealthy environment which encourages with bad connections , as we grown and mature, we have a choice to hold onto the bad connections or not. Like clinging to a cocoon, we can cling to our bad connections (and the coping skills) Else, like a butterfly we can break free of the bad connections or sour to better heights and better connections.
In short, we can either seek the authentic sweetener OR we can settle for the artificial sweeteners.
* This blog was cleaned up and updated for republishing.
