This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
I was talking with a friend the other day about something that was bothering me and he said, "well it's human nature". Then I thought back to the series of events leading up to and including WWI (that I'd seen on AHC) and realize how we stumble into disaster. In our everyday lives, we make selfish choices. Very often, the selfish choices are necessary such as finding time away from our kids so as to mentally and spiritually rejuvenate ourselves--allowing us to be better people and parents. Sometimes our choices are selfish out of obliviousness. For example, we make an unscheduled stop at the store to pick up a few items and are so focused on our own needs we forget to ask our spouse if he/she could use anything. Sometimes we make selfish choices out of greed or jealousy such as grabbing more than our share or taking something that isn't ours. Then there are times we make selfish choices out of fear such as pushing others out of our way to escape a burning building. Whatever the case, we often justify our self-focused, inconsiderate or boorish behavior by saying, "It's human nature.", as if that makes it okay. In the WWI series, it was a series of selfish choices by leaders that led to a disastrous war. In our everyday lives, that behavior leads to unhealthy relationships and unhappy lives. So, what do we do? We take time and listen to our Higher Power (God). We take time and listen to our conscience. We take time and listen to our others. LISTEN, not just hear or just do, but truly listen to them. We need to listen for whom our behavior or actions benefit or hurt. We listen to whom our actions aren't considering. God's wisdom, knowledge and discernment are there, but we just have to be open to it. God gave us a free will. But sometimes our free will takes us to dark and/or selfish places. We justify it by saying it is human nature. Shouldn't we strive for more than human nature? Shouldn't we strive to understand and mimic God's perfect wisdom?
Proverbs 4:5 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
(This post was originally published on April 27, 2015)
The past month has been a difficult one for me. Some of which I will share here, some of which I won't. (originally posted in April 2015)
The part I will share: My dad has Parkinson's and he is at a late stage. He has lost the ability to eat by mouth, he has lost so much weight, he has lost almost all ability to take care of himself. I've had to make DNR type decisions for him and put him on hospice. To a lesser extent I've had to deal with family drama which is typical when multiple siblings are are involved. As his POA, I've had to do what I think is best. As he did not leave a living will, I've had to try to figure out what he would want and/or what is best for him. Anyway, very depressing and definitely no fun. After losing my mom last July, I'm starting to feel parent-less. I've had a few other lesser things weighing on my mind too. Some of which had got me down. Anyway, I wasn't feeling my lovable self. My girlfriend had noticed that too. I've heard you have to love yourself first before you can love another. There were days in which I felt like I wasn't throwing out as much warmth as she was. I felt kind of bad about this and my instinct was what's wrong? Within the past week, the cloud started lifting, part of which is my dad seems to have stabilized. Also, I've come to better terms with his imminent passing. The upbeat nature and warmth came out of hiding. She noticed that. I had noticed my capacity for warmth had diminished temporarily. but now that the clouds are lifting, I am back to my usual warm. My realization: if you don't take care of your own needs, up to and including feeling good about yourself, you will not be in the position to love another the way you should. She had been through her own losses fairly recently too, so God blessed me with someone who understands all this. --- A side note, I previously had dated someone who had had her life collapse about her. Instead of facing the demons, she sought a distraction in relationships. I came to realize she didn't love me so much as she loved the distraction. She was using the relationship as a means to find love for herself rather than processing and looking inward and seeing herself as having inherent God-given value. Whenever my life needs would pull me away from seeing her, she'd take it personally. She'd let me know that "she wasn't a priority". I realized that to her I was part of a 2D vs. 3D relationship, ---- I guess my takeaways are this:
Be kind to yourself and take care of your own self-needs and you will be in the best position to give to another.
A supportive significant other will not try to 'fix' your problems/concerns, but will be there for you. He/she will be there for you through the good and rough patches.
In healthy relationships, each partner understands the ebbs and flows in the other's life and doesn't personalize them.
One time when I was talking with my daughter, it occurred to me that we spend a lot time throughout our life, wishing we were at a different point of our life. In other words, the grass will be or was greener at a different point. Now, descriptions of each stage and the longings at each stage, doesn't apply to everyone and experiences differ, but I believe on onto something. So, without further ado, i bring you the stages in our lives and how we could wish for them to be different.
When we are real little kids we look up the elementary school kids and wish we were one of the 'bigger kids'. We want to be able to ride on this ride or do this activity, be stronger or faster, etc.
When we are young kids, we look to the teenagers and see that they can drive, they can go to more grown up movies, they can stay at home by themselves, they can date, etc. We see the freedoms they have and wish we could be a big kid. We won't necessarily see the responsibility that goes with being an older kid.
When we are teens we wish an adult so we can live on our own, be able to work full-time or go away to school, etc. In other words, we are striving for the adult level perks. We like the perks, but may not be thrilled with the responsibility that comes with them.
When we are a young adult under 21, many look forward to 21 as a right of initiation. We look to be able to go just about to any club or any place we want. In some cases, we look at those in high school as 'kids' and we are glad we are grown up. We yearn to be taken seriously as grown-ups, but are not always at this point, especially if we still have parental dependence.
There is a period starting in our early to middle 20s, especially if we have our first job out of college or have been working for a while when we really start to feel our oats. For many, it is being able to do just about whatever we want and not having to answer to many people, except maybe an occasional parent or peer group concern. But, relatively speaking, we have our freedom and a paycheck and can do what we want. While some have already worked on finding that 'lifelong' relationship, for others it is the time in which we have started to move away from fun dating and have started really started to want to find that lasting grown-up relationship. From what I see, this period has the potential to be the happiest. However, for some they have lifelong career ambitions that can usually only be achieved with time. For them, there is impatience to be a little older.
Then we hit our 30s. For some this is a good thing as we are able to really start hitting some of our career ambitions. For others, it is an 'oh crap' moment in which we realize that we aren't so 'youngish' anymore. By this time, many are married and have started families. Now we have to be responsible. The carefree days of childhood and still free days of young adulthood have yielded to the realities of having to be a responsible spouse/parent. In some ways, while thirtysomethings may be happy in their marriage/family, there is sometimes a wish for the freedom/carefree nature of our younger years. In other words, there is some yearning to be a little younger.
For me at 36 I realized that I was on the wrong side of the 30s. In my early to mid 30s, I felt I was close enough to my 20s that I could consider myself close to a 20 something. To a high schooler, I would start to seriously look like Dad this point and less like the cool older brother. By 36, the delusion was over. I wasn't anywhere near old, but I wasn't exactly close enough to my young adulthood to be part of the 'cool crowd'. To a teen, I'd be starting to look old though. To myself, I'd realized that I am closer to 40s than to 20s.
For me hitting the 40s was like oh well. I mean what's the difference between 39 and 40. From what I see, not much. I was the age that I thought was old when I was a teen. I still could hold onto the delusion that I wasn't starting to get old. That delusion's end comes later. For some in the 20s and 30s, our body starts saying, "Hello, I have issues". But, in the 40s our bodies tend to kick this to a higher gear. Recovery time is longer, we just don't have the flexibility that our kids have. While they are playing and running, while we are looking for the bench to sit on and watch. Still, relatively speaking we are not old. Many are established in their career, but we still wish we had the stamina and spunk of younger years.
Later 40s. The 40s have been said to be the new 30s with advancements in healthcare. But, we are realizing now that the delusion of being the new 30s will end soon anyway. We are seriously edging closer and closer to being able to receive AARP benefits. In other words, society has in way started to let us know that soon we will be welcomed to the old person's club. We start to really reflect on how far away we are from high school/college. Our parent's health often seriously starts to deteriorate then and in some cases, they have died by this point--leaving us to feel like oh wow, we are the family elder(s). We start really missing the younger years.
In our 50s, we are telling ourselves, well at least I'm not a senior citizen. But, to the youth culture, we are looking like or being seen as "grandma/grandpa". In many cases, we start really recalling the 'old days'. To younger people, before your time, is unfortunately a saying we are uttering more and more. We in some cases, wish we had the wisdom of now with the body of a younger person. For some, we are 'old', for others we don't want to give up the delusion. Our kids, whom in some cases have already started leaving before this, are growing up in droves by now. Our parents start leaving us behind in droves, leaving us to realize we are the family leader generation coming of age. Once again, we miss more and more younger years.
Our 60s - literally now we are senior citizens and by this time most people, if they are to be grandparents are that by now. We like the grandkids, but we enjoy that we don't have to watch them at the end of the day in most cases. As our kids have become well established in their own life, we really really sometimes long for the younger years. Friend of ours, who in some cases have died before this, are dying more often now. Some still have parent alive, but most or many of our parents have passed on, leaving us as the older generation. In any case, we start to really strongly consider our own mortality, assuming we aren't in denial. We see our younger years as a distant memory by now.
70s and beyond - We start to look at 50s and even some in 60s as 'young'. If we are 'lucky' to have made it here, we have lost a lot of people. We realize that in many cases, we are nearing the end and reflections/regrets that might have really evidencing themselves in our mid to late 50s and 60s just become more and more common now, presuming we still are mentally with it. Clearly a younger version of ourselves with the knowledge we've gained would be desirable at this point.
Anyway, the conclusion, I have come up with after assessing the different points in our lives is that for much our life, unless we have faith and the hope that goes with it, seems to be a struggle. We long to be a different age then we are much or most of the time. There are struggles/frets at each stage. There may only really a short window at best in which we are 'truly happy' with our age. FAITH is a tool by which can hold on through the rough periods and realize happiness in every period and have hope for the future.
If we look through a glass half full perspective, there is always something we have to do or are not allowed to do at the various stages of our lives. It is easy to overlook the responsibilities we are exempt from due to age--working for a living, paying bills, etc. It is also easy to overlook the things we can do at our age, that we can't necessarily do at other ages. Things such as riding kids ride, easily climbing and jumping and running as kid.
For me, my Christian faith has helped me to accept the stages and roles of my life, though not perfectly. For example, I'm in my late 40s and instead of seeing managing the affairs and expenses of the passing of my parents as a burden, I can see it as an honor that they trusted me. In my younger years, it helped me see that I have the freedom to do things without the burden of responsibility that comes with adulthood such as how will I pay for my needs.
It is inevitable that from time to time and at different points in our lives that we wish we were at a different stages. It is also inevitable that at times, we look forward to stages in our lives idealistically or back on stages in our lives selectively. However, what is not inevitable that we stay in the past or impatiently wish for the future. With faith and hope, we can learn to appreciate the moment and stay in it most of the time as needed.
As my dad's life draws to a close, I have felt the need to come to terms with what at times has not been the most comfortable or easiest relationship. In some ways, the most difficult relationship of my life. Part of what helps me come to terms with people and circumstances is writing about them. In other words, allowing my thoughts and feelings see the light of day. So, over time I have come to some conclusions about forgiveness.(originally written 3/27/15 - he has since passed away)
About forgiveness:
I've heard it said that forgiveness is not something we do for others, but rather ourselves. In a way, I see this as true. This is especially true when the person whom is the object of our forgiveness either doesn't realize that he or she needs to be forgiven or doesn't care about being forgiven.
We can confront the one who has wronged us and if he/she is ready they might even own up to their offense. However, there is always a distinct possibility of them them not being recognizing or caring about the wrong they've done to us. So,what then are we left with at that point: perhaps more resentment.
So, what do we do? It's believe it's healthiest to forgive them. I don't mean forgive and accept continued abuse. I mean to forgive them for what they have done and if necessary forgive them for their hurtful tendencies.
I believe the process to forgiveness can be a 4-step process: avoidance, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness I will elaborate on that:
Avoidance
We might have to pull away from the person who wronged us to prevent further hurt.
Alternatively, we might have to pull away to avoid trying the temptation to 'settle the score'.
Acceptance
We still get irritated with or by the other person, but we accept that it is time to start trying to forgive our offender.
They may not have stopped wronging or trying to wrong us, but we accept at this point that we cannot control them. They may be incapable or unwilling to change, but with avoidance, we've minimized their ability to hurt us.
This step is characterized by showing outward signs of forgiveness--going through the motions of forgiveness--but not necessarily internally being forgiving.
This is an important step as it shows we are moving beyond being the victim and worked towards forgiving them.
Understanding
For our peace of mind we are trying to find reasons for why our offender is the way he or she is. Is it personal or are we just the one in the line of fire?
This isn't meant to accept or condone their behavior but to understand it better. That is to say we don't agree with, but understand how our offender could get to the place they are in their thinking or behavior.
In some cases, we may start to empathize with our offender, depending on what brought them to hurting us.
Perhaps, he or she had a tough childhood--abuse/neglect/tragedy.
His or her behavior, while not at all acceptable, may be a coping mechanism. For example, if he/she did not have any control over rough circumstances during childhood, he/she might exhibit harmful controlling behavior in adulthood as a misplaced defense mechanism.
In other cases, we may just have to understand that perhaps our offender is wired differently. Not everyone is wired the same. We may on some level start to appreciate our offender is just wired differently and doesn't have the capacity to understand how they hurt us nor the capacity to avoid hurting us. In the worst case, we might be left with understanding that they are (or have become wired to be selfish). That's not very comforting, but understanding that some people are just that way can at least allow us to move to the forgiveness level.
Forgiveness
In this stage, we have pretty well let our anger and resentment go. That's not to say we don't have 'flare-ups' of anger and resentment, but instead that it doesn't rule us.
This stage may be characterized by sadness. Sadness that the relationship in question 'has to be' like it is.
We may forgive, but that doesn't mean we forget or put ourselves at risk in the situation again.
It may mean having the person involved--sometimes heavily--in our life.
It may mean forgiving from afar and for our own sake keeping a safe distance.
Sometimes forgiveness is expressed directly to the person. In other cases, it may be implied or unspoken as we no longer showing resentment or anger in their direction.
In relationships, I believe most people wish to be helpful/supportive to their significant other. Sometimes, it is in the form of emotional support and sometimes it is in the form of money and sometimes it is in the form of 'things' that money can buy. e.g., paying another's bills, buying items, etc. This blog entry will explore what I think are the types of giving, common aspects of them and the motives behind them. Granted, sometimes we fool ourselves about motives and sometimes we have mixed motives, but I digress. 1. Controlling rescuer
Focus is on dominance.
It may be subtle or it may not, but there is an 'or else' feel to this person.
Buys things, helps their significant other out financially.
e.g., gives an allowance, gives jewelry, pays many if not all of the bills.
Offers 'helpful' advice, that is not necessarily 'helpful'.
e.g., advice in dealing with family and friends will often be portrayed as 'reasonable', but practically speaking is a measure of manipulating dominance.
Behind the financial help lies a darker motive. Effectively, a controller rescuer tries to buy control. The implied deal is if you let me run the show MY WAY and just go along I will 'take care of you'.
e.g., if you don't complain about my drinking/womanizing/gambling/etc. I will give you what you need.
e.g., I will take care of you as long as you obey my requirements. Don't talk to others, go out with friends, etc. WITHOUT my permission.
e.g., I will give you an allowance/give you some freedom IF you do what I need. Instead of organically and lovingly coming to a split of duties/tasks that the partnership requires, a controller often strongly implies if not outright demands the type of help her or she requires.
Often positions the 'rescuee' in a position of continued dependence.
Independence is a threat, to a controller. So, the controller will be careful of how much and what type of help they will give the rescuee. Such as giving them an allowance, but not 'allowing' them to work or go back to school.
2. Fixer rescuer
Focus is on heroism. Looking like the 'loving hero'.
He or she doesn't use dominance, but rather 'heroism' to manipulate.
Literally, the fixer rescuer may give until it hurts. On some level, he or she hopes the fixee sees how much they give and feels compelled or guilt-ed into 'loving them back'.
Characterized by 'idiot compassion'.
Idiot compassion is the highly conceptualized idea that you want to do good to somebody.At this point, good is purely related with pleasure. Idiot compassion also stems from not have enough courage to say no.
Buys things, helps their significant other out financially.
e.g., gives an allowance, gives jewelry, pays many if not all of the bills.
Often when he or she cannot afford it to do so. Once again, giving until it hurts literally.
Offers 'helpful' advice, which is designed to make them look or feel heroic.
Wants to sound loving and heroic, but often is hidden manipulative. However, once again the manipulation can be subtle. They want to sound 'understanding' when under the surface, what they want is to be leaned on. The trade off is if I am understanding enough, the other person will be compelled to love me.
This relationship is often characterized by strong codependency and can slide into a controlling rescuer relationship IF the fixer rescuer doesn't get what he or she 'needs' out of the relationship and the fixee is dependent enough.
In a way, a fixer rescuer may be seen as trying to 'buy low'.
The one he or she is attempting to fix and rescue may very well be someone who he or she would 'not have a chance with'. But, the hope of the fixer is that through heroism, the fixee will love him or her.
3. Useful partnership
This is a give and take relationship.
This can be an element of a healthy relationship.
Motives can be mixed.
This can be a cynical tradeoff. I'll do this for you, only if you do that for me.
This can also be a healthy division of labor. e.g., I am handy and you are good at cooking. So, I don't mind doing the fixing things around the house and you don't mind making sure I eat right in return. Both of us win.
While motives are not necessarily pure, at least it is not a destructive relationship. It is a relationship where 1+1 could equal more than 2. That is, the relationship is a little more than the sum of the parts, but isn't a full potential relationship.
Alone it is not the basis for a good marriage, but a strong, cooperative partnership can be an important part of one.
4. Healthy supportive
This is where each partner is supportive of the other because they truly care about their partner and his/her well-being.
They are attuned to their partner's needs.
They are attuned to the overall relationship as well.
They do not compromise their own needs in the process.
This sort of giving relationship will tend to positive aspects of a useful partnership, but will tend to minimize the selfish aspects of it.
This type of giving tends to maximize the relationship's potential. It tends to be more altruistic.
Most people like to think of themselves as having the best motives. You know, we want to think positive about ourselves. We'd like to think we are the good partner or spouse. It is best if we can be truly supportive of our significant other, but it is imperative that we at least try to have a productive if not 100% pure motive partnership. Sometimes, in a relationship, our partner is struggling and perhaps we may even need to 'come to the rescue', but it is imperative that we 1) are grounded enough that we can afford to give of ourselves that way and 2) that our motives for 'rescuing' are not controlling or manipulative. i.e., not self-serving.
In a story well known by St. Louis Cardinals baseball fans and by many baseball fans outside of St. Louis, the 2011 Cardinals defied the odds. They were 10 1/2 games out with 31 to play, 8 1/2 back with 21 to play and 3 out with 5 to play. Furthermore, they were one strike away from losing the World Series that year to the Texas Rangers. Yet, they fought back each time and won. So, it occurred to me, why do some teams with great talent fold under pressure, yet some teams with lessor talent seem to win it all? I believe it is what I call a "winner mindset". In a way, like individuals we seem to live up or down to our expectations.
Some teams just have a bad history. They can never seem to get over the hump. Year after year they are subject to futility. We think of the Cubs, the Padres and the Pirates prior to the past couple of years as such an example. They have almost no recent winning tradition to speak of. They may start out well, but typically they fade. It is almost an expectation that they have that they will ultimately not succeed. Comparing it to relationships, they've had so many bad ones before that 'seemed' to start out good that they have little expectation for new ones.
Some teams have a moderate to healthy amount of success They know they have talent and they think they can win, but they just don't have that eye of the tiger. In teams with talent, but not a culture of winning, this often leads to what we know as 'choking'. They are underachievers in a sense.
The 2004/2005 Cardinals were such an example. Arguably they were the best teams in baseball, but in 2004 they got swept by Boston and they didn't fare much better in 2005.
The Braves from 1991-2004, were pretty dominate--making the post season each year--but with the exception of 1995, they did not take home the crown.
Thinking it in terms of relationships, it is like hoping to find 'the one' and getting close to whom you think is the one, but never quite finding someone who is a good match.
Some teams just seem to know that they are winners. It is as if they not only think that they can win, but frankly, expect to win. The 2011 Cardinals were such an example. The Giants of 2010, 2012 and 2014 are such an example. It may come across as arrogance or swagger, but really it is believing in yourself. Comparing to relationships, it is having a quiet confidence that you are with the right person. In a sense, knowing that you can be yourself in the relationship and be accepted.
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The progression to winning:
1) Bringing in winning leadership: Tony Larussa and Walt Jocketty and later John Mozeliak.
You have to have confident leadership to a) be able to determine which players are part of the problem and which are part of the solution and b) be able to generate/send a winning vibe.
2) Taste some success. In 1996 and 2001, the Cardinals tasted some success in the postseason, but in some ways, maybe just happy to be there.
3) Build a strong team, and think you can win, but not KNOW that you will win. In 2004/2005, the Cardinals had arguably the stronger teams but they didn't know that they were suppose to win. They thought that they could, but didn't yet know that they were suppose to.
4) The team knows that they are suppose to win. It's an intangible, it is almost a sense of mission. Where you know what your destiny is. You don't just think you can win, but expect or know that you will win.. It is a quiet confidence. I believe in 2006 and 2011 the Cardinals organization of recent finally matured and realized that they were meant to win, to be the team of destiny.
I believe the Dodgers know they have a good team, but haven't fully embraced that they are meant to win. The Giants on the other hand have. Similarly, the Washington Nationals haven't gotten over that hump either. Sometimes, it is just a matter of having the right players/management combination and sometimes it is having a winning tradition built in your organization.
For me, the takeaway is this:
1) You work towards winning.
2) Even when you are unsure, you work through the motions of believing in yourself, even if you don't feel it initially.
I realized something last weekend. Or maybe I'd realized it before, but it really stuck this time. I had to make a decision regarding my dad's care. Literally, a life and death type decision. He was coming up upon a crossroads in his care. * Originally published on 3/18/15
I was so torn about what direction to take--that is until I got out of my own way and let God work through me. Anyway, this led me to today's point. Sometimes, we are so worried about the outcome of decisions we need to make and discussions we need to have, that we get in our own way. Instead of surrendering our decisions to our God--our Higher Power--we struggle. From my own experience and that I've seen of others we struggle for a few reasons:
Codependence
We want our decisions to be accepted by others. We want our choices to be accepted by all. As I have learned, no matter what choices you make, you will usually have someone critical of them. Best to pray on it, listen to the wisdom of trusted voices and consider what advice you'd give someone else in your shoes, in other word's step outside yourself.
We want to be accepted by others. It is easier to avoid a hard discussion/decision and pretend that all is well than to open up the door to conflict/disagreement. This is especially true when what hangs in the balance is significant (marriage/life & death decision).
Lack of faith/fear/need to control.
When our faith is low, we believe we cannot count on others, especially God. This leads us to rely on ourselves.
Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
When we are so afraid of making the wrong choices/mistakes, we are paralyzed into not making a choice, which usually in and of itself a choice. A lack of choice pretty well means the choice is made for you.
When we are afraid of an outcome that is out of our comfort level, we will overcompensate and try to 'control' the discussion and/or everyone and everything in the decision loop.
I've learned in life there needs to be a happy balance--the balance between trying to 'control' life and letting life control you. In other words, doing the necessary planning and then letting God be God and trusting.
