This is a personal study on codependence, addictive, behavior and human nature in general. Please follow me and feel free to share your experiences and ideas. Please feel free to visit my sponsors if you like what I write. While I'm not in it for the money, it would be nice one day to transition to full-time writing.
With a contentious election fast approaching, there is no denying that we are a country with problems. Either way we vote, that is/will be true. Anyway, I was talking with a friend today about how we deal with problems as a society. It occurred to me as a society we have a number of different ways we deal with major issues. There are:
Those who want to be part of the solution
Those who see the problem and feel compelled to face it head on.
For example, as a resident of the region around Ferguson, for me, this could be someone who sees the distrust between law enforcement and the minority community and instead of dismissing one side, listen to concerns of all sides. That doesn't mean necessarily seeing equal culpability, but means respectfully treating the concerns of those who legitimately want peace.
Those who are fine with the problem.
Those who know they are part of problem and don't care as it benefits them.
In the Jim Crow era, many people benefited from keeping keeping discriminatory laws in place for various reasons such as keeping political power or of fear of competition (such as in sports).
Those who don't don't see themselves as being part of the problem, but are.
They often justify their own behavior as legitimate even , therefore not problematic. For example, self-promoters who justify jumping into a conflict/controversy claiming to want to help this person or this group when their hidden motive is profit/power--with an end result of inflaming the situation.
Those who see the problem, but want to push them aside.
Those who see the cost of dealing with the problem as "too expensive".
Either the problem seems too intractable and therefore too stressful, so just like a car with curious annoying noise, it is easier to turn up the music and pretend the problem doesn't exist.
Personally or as a society dealing with certain issues, means giving up something such as time, money or comfort.
Those who see the problem, but convince themselves the problem is minimal or has an easy solution.
For them, it is easier to live with not concerning themselves with the size or complexity of problem than it is to actually face a problem.
For example, our national budget. Some people believe if we just raise taxes on the 'rich' enough that we will be able to pay for programs.
Also, racial issues. We know that there are underlying problems, but is we don't have to live the issues daily, it is easier to convince ourselves that the problem is limited to 'this' or 'that' area.
My friend mentioned another way or category of people and how they deal with problems, which I though was insightful.
Those who blame the messenger, ignoring the message.
Politicians are famous for this. They are confronted with a message that is not necessarily favorable to them and they turn around and attack the messenger's credibility. Their hope is to distract from having to answer the message.
For example, a whistle-blower who publicizes a secret program of questionable constitutionality is often attacked by those are tied to the program.
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I'm not sure what my takeaway from this blog is except this.
It is best to face problems completely head-on if at all possible.
When you can't face it completely, face it in steps and where necessary let it be known that's what you are doing.
Sometimes it is necessary to push aside facing problems to deal with larger problems that arise. But, that doesn't mean permanently facing dealing with the original problem.
I've noticed in my life that some people are so outgoing that they describe their life verbatim on Facebook or to anyone they run into. Others, it is like pulling teeth to draw them out of their cocoon. I think most people fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum: Out times outgoing, at other times reserved and at other downright introverted. This leads me the saying above. No one can live in the spotlight 24/7/365. We all need downtime. We all need time outside the public sphere where we can let our guard down and be ourselves. Typically, we find some of this time around our family and friends. They are familiar with us as we are familiar with them. If they are good for us, we can be our goofy selves around them and reveal private thoughts we wouldn't share with the public at large. In a way, they can be a testing ground for our idea. If we throw something by them and they give it a thumbs down, it often means that what is on our mind isn't ready for public consumption. If they give us roaring approval of our thoughts, well, that can give us confidence to take our thoughts public. In any case, even among our family and friends we don't always want to immediately if ever want to share certain thoughts as they could be a bit disturbing, a bit too "ate up" or just not fully formed. In this way, our secret life aka secret thoughts have a 'safe space' to reside in while we contemplate whether to reveal them. The $64,000 question is this: when we are keeping thoughts to ourselves is it healthy? In short, are we isolating or retreating into an internal 'safe space'? I guess it really depends in some ways on the content of the (secret) thoughts in question and/or the volume of thoughts. For example:
If we keep most every thought to ourselves, especially if we never reveal them, that would seem to indicate that we are isolating.
If our (secret) thoughts are dark (too blue or too disturbing), then we are probably isolating.
If we are hiding most of our thoughts, worried about how we are going to come across, we are likely isolating.
If we don't feel like we have anyone we feel that we can talk to and therefore keep our thoughts to ourselves, that may be isolating.
On the other hand:
If we had the loss of someone close in our circle (family/friends/coworkers), it may take some time to process our thoughts and therefore, we need a 'safe space' in our mind to process them before we know how to express them.
If we have a random devious or rude thought from time to time, having a space where we can internally process it is helpful as it can be harmful/hurtful to stream of conscience speak, at least until we can determine whether it is just a little off or very inappropriate.
We are busy and haven't had time to unpack our thoughts, keeping our thoughts to ourselves--a thought safe space--can be useful until we have time to process them.
Ultimately, I believe if we take time to get to know someone or ourselves, we typically know whether we are isolating or whether we are just using the 'safe space' of our mind to process our thoughts. Ironically when we isolate from others, it makes it harder to tell if their quietness is due to safely processing there own thoughts or if they are isolating themselves as well.
I guess the takeaway is this. If you love and care about someone, take time to know them, but just as importantly makes sure you provide the best ear you can for them. This is even more true when the someone you are talking about is yourself.
Just my thoughts for the day. Cheerio
-- Rich One final thought, if we have been shut down, ridiculed or abused by a significant person in our life--spouse, older sibling, parent--- especially early in our life, it can cause us to isolate. That is to say, the important things in our life we won't discuss as we have been taught it is not safe to. In this situation, our trust of that person and possibly others will likely have been shaken. In a sense, by keeping our thoughts to ourselves, we are retreating to a 'safe space' to protect ourselves, but in another sense, we are isolating--with cause. Unfortunately, I've seen this in my own life before and that of others. When a loved one doesn't allow you to be yourself and say the things that are on your mind free of consequence, they are setting the relationship up to fail. Your thoughts won't disappear, they will just be driven underground and resentment can build up. Anyway, this lead can lead a person to search for others to themselves around--sometimes in a healthy way--friend/minister/counselor--and sometimes not so healthy way--partner outside the marriage, someone who doesn't have the family's interest in mind. The long and short of it is this: the best way to keep a relationship open is to allow the other to be themselves as much as possible even when you don't agree with them. The best way to destroy a relationship is to shut the other down is to tend to come down on the other when they are being themselves. Just more thoughts. -- Rich
Have you ever noticed that some people seemingly take great risks, step out on the edge, tend to gravitate towards the unhealthy or bounce around from controlling relationship to controlling relationship OR dramatic relationship to dramatic relationship.
Why do we do it?
Are we trying to outrun or 'escape' our problems?
If I keep busy or seek the latest thrill or high, we won't have to face our issues.
Are we trying to medicate away our problems?
If I gamble, drink, sleep around and so on, perhaps I won't have whatever pain I have will be masked over.
Are we so used to drama that the mundane feels out of place? The word familiar has the same root as family. If we were raised and/or have always lived in a dysfunctional environment, we will not know how to react to 'normal' or 'healthy' relationships. 'Normal', healthy or 'wholesome' relationships could seem boring or stale.
Are we seeking approval? Sometimes the attention we get from 'acting out' or 'being the life of the party' is better than a lack of attention. That is if we are 'interesting enough' or 'fun enough' then people won't help but to be drawn to 'the party'.
Are we feeling hopeless or too damaged?
If we feel like we have nothing left to lose, then it can free us up to engage in risky or dangerous behavior. That is, if there doesn't feel like there will be much of--if any--of a tomorrow, what do we have to lose by living on the edge?
The problem lies when we wake up from the 'binge' or edgy behavior and realize in many cases that it has made things worse for us.
What forms does it take?
I've kind of touched up on it already but here are just a few.
Excessive drinking
Illegal or illicit drugs
Out-of-control gambling.
Acting out, sleeping around or porn addiction
Unsafe activities such as reckless stunts, reckless riding/driving, going to reckless places, reckless behavior with fireworks, etc.
Excessive thrill-seeking. Sometimes, it isn't so much that a certain activity is bad per se, but if we do it excessively it can indicate a bigger problem. Say sky-diving every weekened for example, could be considered excessive for an average person.
Conclusions:
It is okay to step out a little, go outside your comfort zone, take a chance from time to time. The whole point of this blog is not to suggest otherwise. Were it not for people taking chances or risks, life would be dull and we'd have likely not accomplished some of the great feats/advances that we have.
It isn't so much how much we live on the edge, but more so the motivation behind it.
Is it for a healthy reason such as helping others? If so, we are less likely to flame out.
Is it for an unhealthy reason such as avoiding dealing with abuse, hurt, grief, pain, trauma, etc. If so, we might find we need a higher and higher dose of living on the edge just to keep the avoidance up and we will be more likely to flame out or spiral out of control.
Living on the edge in a way
Whatever your faith--for example, Christianity--it is in many ways necessary to be willing to not be 'ordinary'. Mother Theresa was not Ordinary, she could have lived an easy life, but instead she sacrificed to help the poorest of the poor. Sometimes our faith requires us to go against popular opinion or worldly views or behavior In other words, going against the grain and not being 'ordinary'.
While I believe that most people are social creatures and need and even sometimes crave positive interaction with others: children, parents, spouse, friends, etc., I believe that people by and large have a need for space from time to time. They need it to re-energize, to recharge, and to quietly consider their lives--what's important to them and even their relationship to God.
I've heard the term "man cave" so many times. For a guy, it is thought of his own space or spot in the house or own area he can retreat to for peace and quiet. But, over time, I've come to a different understanding of what the meaning of 'man cave' (space) is. It doesn't have to be a spot to retreat to in one's house. It doesn't even necessarily have to be one's house. Here are some examples of where one can find his (or her) man-cave (or she-shed)--that is their space.
Space can be somewhere besides one's place. If you love your work, it can be there. If you own a garage for example and are working on restoring an old Corvette Stingray that could be your place. It could be at your best friend's place. It could be at a place where you hang out listen to music, play pool, throw darts... It could be literally anywhere else.
Space can be your own place. You could have a room designated as your own in which you are not disturbed unless they knock. That's the classic definition. It could also be your garden area outside in which you are left alone to tend. It could be your work area. It could be literally anywhere on your property.
Space doesn't have to be a physical spot either. It could be a time that you have completely to yourself uninterrupted, while family is out at school, work or just doing something else.
Space doesn't actually have to be alone time either. For example, if everyone is around the house, but is quietly, peacefully and separately entertaining themselves, you can have your own virtual space For me, as you might imagine, this is my blog. If everyone else is reasonably and contently occupied and I'm just typing away, I feel a certain freedom.
Anyway, just some thoughts to consider as you search for your own space.
Some songs just grab your attention for reasons you don't know and one day when you are listening to it many years later, their meaning hits you and you realize that there is probably a reason you have always loved or connected with the song. In the late 1980s, Brenda Russell co-wrote and recorded Piano in the Dark. The concept is at once both simple and involved. The words and the music are powerful. In the song, Ms. Russell's character is at a very disconnected place in her relationship. It feels dead to her. She's thinking she's strong enough to call it quits. But, her mate knows how to reach her and as she is getting ready to leave, he plays the piano for her and she realizes that she still loves him. For me "Piano in the Dark" is a synonym for that special something about your significant other pulls you in, that keeps you from leaving. It is that special something about him or her that you just can't live without. This got me to thinking the subject matter. In your relationship, do you have that special something that your mate does, says or is about him/her that you can hold onto? What is it about your relationship that keeps you there even through the rough spots? This blog is essentially about what keeps people in relationships, even through the rough patches. From what I see the following are one or more reason why people stay in relationships even through turbulent times, not necessarily in order of constructive:
Comfort factor. Sometimes we've been with someone so long that the relationship feels like a well worn shoe. In other words, not elegant, not necessarily even warm fuzzy, but comfortable. Stephen Stills: Love the One Your With
Functional factor. This can be for raising kid(s) together, convenient living arrangement, appearances, etc. Sometimes, this can be a consideration or The Consideration.
Fear of the unknown or codependence factor. Sometimes, the idea of 'starting over' is too overwhelming and it just seems easier just to stay together. Sometimes, the idea of being without a someone, even if that someone doesn't treat us right, can be daunting, especially if we haven't spent enough time on ourselves.
Honorable factor. This can take the form of staying together for the sake of the kids or staying together because of a commitment to the Father or something similar. I believe that these are good reasons to stay together in a lot of cases. Definitely, take the children into account and definitely if you are married, don't think that a vow before God should be taken lightly. Too many people do that.
Special factor. There really is that something special about the other person that keeps drawing you to them. It can be that voice, the way they are good with the kids, that sense of humor, that sweetness about them, the way they love you. John Michael Montgomery: I Love the Way You Love Me
I would say we all, but there are some that don't care. But most people hope that find that someone special and that what made their mate special will always light up a glow in their heart. So, I will focus the rest of the blog entry on that.
I believe that it is important to spend a few moments from time to time in contemplation and prayer. Remembering what it is about our mate that we love and to remind them from time to time why we love them. Life can get hectic, difficult and/or cloudy and it is important to establish a pattern of keeping in mind what we like about our significant other. But, perhaps even more importantly, spending a few minutes letting them know we are thinking about them.
So, I guess I will end this as a I started this by asking what is your "Piano in the Dark". For me, it is my wife's warmth, the way she appreciates me--especially the side I don't like to publicly show and the way she cares for my daughter. It helps that she's got that Creek Indian look about her ;-)
But, I digress, I challenge to find, remember or express what is your "Piano in the Dark".
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When I find myself watching the time I never think about all the funny things you said I feel like it's dead Where is it leading me now
I turn around in the still of the room Knowing this is when I'm gonna make my move Can't wait any longer And I'm feeling stronger but oh
Just as I walk through the door I can feel your emotion It's pullin' me back Back to love you
I know I'm caught up in the middle I cry just a little When I think of letting go Oh no, gave up on the riddle I cry just a little When he plays piano in the dark
He holds me close like a thief of the heart He plays a melody Born to tear me all apart The silence is broken And no words are spoken but oh
Just as I walk through the door I can feel your emotion It's pullin' me back Back to love you
I know I'm caught up in the middle I cry just a little When I think of letting go Oh no, gave up on the riddle I cry just a little When he plays piano in the dark
--Written by Scott Cutler, Jeff Hull, Brenda Russell
Once again, I heard a song that for some reason has stuck with me for the past few years and I remember the first time it really started to like it. Before, I go there, I must confess something that anyone who really knows me knows (even when I sometimes try to hide it). At time I have a profoundly deep sensitive side. It's not sensitive as in "weak", but sensitive as in I feel a range of emotions and I often can 'feel' the human experience very profoundly in myself and others. Raised by a dad who didn't show emotions and who was deeply uncomfortable with 'feelings' being expressed, I learned to hide this side of me or at least not own up to it. I've come to realize that as it says in the Bible, There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens (Ecclesiastes 3:1). ... A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3:4) In other words, God understands and appreciates a sensitive side to his creation. Of course, society has always pretty well accepted that women can have a sensitive side, but it has only been in more recent decades that we've accepted the same in a man (at least openly recognizing it anyway). Anyway, I've come to see it not as a curse, but as a blessing. It has allowed me to be better able to feel and relate, understand, empathize and what I refer to as "sensing a disturbance in The Force"). However, while having a sensitive side is good and letting on to at times is good, like most everything in life there are limits. For example, while we want our President to connect with us by showing anguish in a time of national hurt such as 9/11, we don't want our President to be a complete blubbering pile of goo at such times. In my own life, I have revealed deep hurt (and tears of joy) a few times to my own daughter, but I know I can't afford the luxury of her seeing me upset on a regular basis, even if at times I might feel that way. She needs to see in her dad that it is safe to have feelings, even vulnerable I'm feeling upset type feelings. However, she needs to know that her I am strong enough to protect and guide her as well. So, like I figure, a balance. Anyway, the Song was "Grease" performed by Frankie Valli. I'm sure I'd heard it many times and you know probably thought it was from a musical, meaning geared towards the other gender. I'm supposing I was okay with it though. In any case, this night that I had heard it, it was a fairly early stage in my divorce and I was VERY underemployed with other trials going on at that time. I was very down. It was about 2-3am in the morning and I was getting off of work. I dunno, but when I heard it, for whatever reason, I connected with the song in a profound way. For some reason, I finally focused on it enough to know that it is a coming of age song. The messages I got from it were: that you can make it if you believe in who you are, that life as we know it is in many ways just an illusion and that our purpose is not always immediately clear. Anyway, I will never forget that song, that early morning as long as I live and perhaps in some ways that was a turning point towards being in a better place. I don't know if I'm an empath, but I know I have some of the tendencies for better or worse (as did my brother Bill). But, how I tie this together is that this was a step along the road in realizing and accepting who I was--a sensitive person and possible empath. As the title implied there are two parts to this blog entry. The second part is the "seeing only clouds on a sunny day". It's funny, we are taught to see the "silver lining" in the clouds. In other words, the positives even in the darkest of times. However, I believe as humans we have this tendency to gripe and moan about things in our life and overlook the fact that perhaps we may not have it so bad after all. As I've mentioned in a previous blog, I came to realize that failure is a default position. It is easy to fail. You don't have to do anything to fail. In some cases, it is precisely by doing nothing that we fail. In other words, failure is the easy path. Similarly, I think it is human nature to focus on the negatives. As a fallen creation, in this life we face trials and struggles which can seem overwhelming. In this context it is easy to focus on the struggles or imperfections. However, if we peel below the surface we may just see things aren't that bad. We in pretty decent health, we have a roof over our head, we have reliable transportation and we have a steady paycheck which allow our basic needs to be met. Additionally, we may have a loving partner who cares about us and loves us though not necessarily always likes us. Focusing on the struggles in this context is like seeing only clouds on a mostly sunny day. It is at this times, we need to write or recite our daily gratitude list. --- The takeaway from this blog for me is twofold. The Jewels to be found in the darkness are:
Yourself and your good points about you.
That if you peel away the below the surface or see beyond the clouds, you may just find that your life is not a mostly cloudy day, but instead a mostly sunny day with an occasional cloud.
GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen
